Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up of dp helping everyone (one woman in particular)

17 replies

hunnibunni · 21/09/2010 22:37

DP is such a nice guy that he always helps everybody else out to the point where I feel pushed out. Dont get me wrong he loves me and the dc and would do anything for us but I just feel that hes always quick to help everyone else (doing favours, lending money ect) to the point where anything we do together gets rushed or put on hold. One person in particular is his female friend who is a single mum and shes always asking him to help her out e.g drive her places, fix things, borrow money, look after her dd and now im beginning to get fed up with this coz hes constantly on the phone to her or doing favours. I do feel bad coz shes on her own and finding it hard but it seems like the only thing he doesnt do is sleep with her? AIBU to see this as a problem or maybe im insecure?

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 21/09/2010 23:33

I wouldn't be comfortable with all that either hunnibunni. Was she his friend before you and he met?

bethjeff · 22/09/2010 00:58

My dad has always been a bit like this and I think he gets walked all over.

He will go out of his way to help people, lend or gift them money if he knows times are hard, fix things, drive things, deliver things.... you name it....

But never a thing in return. None of these people have ever done anything selfless for him. Even though he has given up holidays and even worked for no pay as one of his employees was about to be made homeless and he bailed her out.

I'm sure they have all said thankyou but when he was in dire need (my mother having a heart attack or when he broke 5 ribs) not one of them supported him or did anything to make his life a bit easier.

Tell your partner that he should not be so generous with his time as people will take him for granted. And that you and him come first no matter what.

tadjennyp · 22/09/2010 01:49

Your dp needs to put you and your family first. He doesn't need to be constantly on the phone to her either. Tell him you need his attention more, as he apparently has chosen you.

pompncircumstance · 22/09/2010 04:18

Why does she go to your husband to help rather than you? I wouldn't be comfortable with it either because people tend to just demand more and more once they start getting what they want and she may start to rely on him a little to much. He needs to concentrate on you and his family - the ones who will be there for him when he needs you.

My husband lent out a lot of money (£2000 +) to a brother in law and still hasnt got it back after 3 years. He also lent someone else money and they have vanished off the face of the earth. I think he has learnt his lesson now!

prozacfairy · 22/09/2010 06:24

YANBU sounds like he is being taken for granted, and in turn is taking you for granted.

My ex could be a bit like this. Help mates out at the drop of a hat so I made up "date night" and we had one day a week that we could absolutely not ditch each other for. Was only 2 days because it was pre baby. Worked out really well for us and he only let me down few times for major things.

Emo76 · 22/09/2010 08:50

YANBU - sounds like this woman is over needy and your husband is kind but not considering you - I mean lending money and babysitting??!!

ChaoticAngel · 22/09/2010 11:05

YANBU

It's time your dp started putting you and your family first and said no occasionally to others. I think you need to sit him down and tell him how it's making you feel. As for the single mum friend, she needs to become less reliant and more independent.

GeekOfTheWeek · 22/09/2010 11:08

YANBU

I wouldn't tolerate this from a male or female friend.

laweaselmys · 22/09/2010 11:15

Does the mum pay back the favours? Babysit, pick up stuff for you? If she does it wouldn't bother me. We have a single mum friend that we try and help out but she is equally generous to us (and lovely).

If they are taking but not giving back then you should talk to your dp and try to get him to see this.

DaisyDaresYOU · 22/09/2010 11:17

Omg yadnbu her intentions are pretty obvious.Put you bloody foot down,ask him how he would feel if it was the other way around.This woman is taking the piss.I would not tolerate this atall

lazarusb · 22/09/2010 13:56

I don't want to be the prophet of doom but I was in a similar situation with dh and a single mum friend a few years ago. It ended very badly...our marriage was on the line for a while. Talk to him and clarify exactly where you and your dcs stand and the nature of her reliance on him.

Chil1234 · 22/09/2010 15:34

The definition of 'an affair' is a lot wider than having sex with someone. :) If he's essentially acting as this woman's partner and putting his wife and kids in second place in the process then he's crossing a line. Don't turn a blind eye or feel sorry for her just because she's a single mum....

DaisyDaresYOU · 22/09/2010 20:23

I agree chil.Op should ask him in if hes in 2 relationships when he says no,op should say,well it bloody feels like you are.I dont know of any single mum's that uses another womans man in this way unless theres more to it.please op don't put up with this situation

taintedpaint · 22/09/2010 20:35

How much time per week is being taken up by your DP's friend? YANBU if it's seriously cutting into your time with him, but is it possible you're seeing this as a problem because you're jealous or a bit insecure? Please don't think I'm being horrid to you, I'm really not, I'm simply trying to play devil's advocate here. The likelihood from your post is that he is being taken advantage of, but before confronting anything or anyone, be certain there is a real issue, and that it is not being accidentally blown out of proportion.

scottishmummy · 22/09/2010 20:45

if it impinges upon private time,demands money,causes stress then it isnt a friendship if it is an imposition

fedupofnamechanging · 22/09/2010 20:47

You said it yourself. The only thing he isn't doing is sleeping with her. It is as though your DP is involved in two relationships. I would have a serious talk to him about how this is not on.You should be his priority, not the world and its dog and certainly not another woman. The 'friend' should not be so reliant upon someone elses partner for everyday help. He's not her boyfriend or the father of her child. She needs reminding of this. He may be a bit oblivious to how this is affecting you and it's all completely innocent on his part (I don't know), but I bet the woman is very aware, as I don't know any women who would think this is an appropriate way to behave with someone elses partner. Different, I think, if she was your friend and the two of you were helping her out together.

I know people with think I am not being supportive of another woman here, but truthfully, I think she's after your DP and you ought to get shot of her now!

lazarusb · 22/09/2010 20:55

The most useful thing a friend said to me was that this other woman saw in my dh a loving father and husband- exactly what she didn't have in her life. She was my friend and is still a colleague but I have no doubt she saw my dh as more than a helping hand.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread