To not be able to spend a night on my own?

[Jelllie]

I have always had a real problem with sleeping overnight on my own without anyone else in the house. When I was at uni, when I was single and my flatmates were staying out at their boyfriends' houses, and later when DH was away on business (which he was quite a lot).
I could just about handle it when I was on my own, at least I could always go and stay with a friend etc... If it got too much. I just turn into a gibbering wreck, scared at the slightest noise, sleep with several telephones, the bedroom door locked, and generally get no sleep at all because I feel so vulnerable, I can't nod off.
I hate hate hate it, because otherwise I am usually a very strong person. I feel like such a baby, and now I am faced with DH having to do more international travel with his work. Now I have DCs and the baby is awake several times a night - I feel terrified with the responsibility, and being alone walking around in the dark with a teething DD. This is causing arguments - am I the only one who feels like this? Also the MIL is aware and thinks I am being 'ridiculous' which is further fanning the flames as i feel no one understands the terror I go through.

Errrrrr, no thanks!!!!!
Actually I think the news and crime watch were worse for me!

I am the same too and so is/was my mum. My Dad used to work away a lot, when he did my DB and I slept in her room and we locked the bedroom door.

I don't like it when DH is away for the night and stay up until I pass out too - though there is always the fear of flicking through a channel/advert that is scary.

I am also shitting myself since reading that thread about getting house blessed and today my DD was talking about being to scared to go upstairs on her own................

I now live in a flat and feel much safer, luckily I live in a really expensive area and will never afford a house, let alone a detached one!

Jelllie, just keep MN on all night when he's away and that way you can have "company" if you need it :)

I also hate being alone in the flat, would be far worse if we were in an actual house! I don't actually expect burglars but I do get really jumpy.

Your MIL is being bitchy about it, try not to let her get you down. It's completely legitimate. I bet there's something that bothers or frightens her that you are fine with -- spiders, mice, heights? Must be something, everyone has some sort of irrational fear.

Oh god, I had to post on here, Jelllie - I was nearly in bits too reading the 'should I get my house blessed thread' contemplating being home alone when my DH goes abroad! DH will be working abroad for a month next month and I'm already dreading the long, lonely nights.

We'll be moving house soon and it's in a rural location (other houses in the steadings conversion but the steadings themselves are on a farm, not in a town). It doesn't seem to matter with me though. At the moment we're in a flat in a safe, low-crime area and still I worry! It's a totally irrational fear with me as well as I've previously lived in foreign countries on my own in a city apartment and managed to get to sleep and stay calm but somehow since having had the luxury of DH around for the last 6 years, I dread every time he goes away. His last job required him to travel internationally quite a bit too and I used to get this sinking feeling every time he would come home and announce 'I'm off to Canada / France / China / wherever next week'...

It's totally irrational too because it's not like as if our DHs can do a lot anyway if a rampaging serial killer breaks in. It's not as if serial killers break in, see a man and then say 'ah, I didn't know you were married so I'll be off then' but somehow I hate the feeling of being alone at home anyway, even though I know it makes no sense.

I seriously think I'm going to get a dog once we move out to the country... I've always wanted one anyway...

I used to, would stay up as late as possible then just doze on sofa eventually going to bed about 5am.

But now I have the 2 DCs to be honest I'm just too knackered to be scared anymore! My DH is away about twice a month (away this week actually) and although I sleep quite lightly and leave the hall light on it's nowehere near as bad as it used to be. I definitely find the more I do it, the easier it gets.

It's horrible though, being so scared in your own home and whatever you do and whatever people say doesn't make it go away....

Agree with the poster who thinks we should have a support group!

Could playing a CD or something at night help? If I'm alone I normally leave my laptop on with the sound of pain playing through it (off one of those relaxing sleep sites). I don't have it on loud but it drowns out all of the little creeks that the house makes so I feel safer. It really does work very well for me. Having the dog downstairs also helps a lot I admit, as I know he would bark his head off if he heard anyone apart from me. If a dog isn't an option could you have one of those alarm systems which makes a noise every time someone opens a door or window? At least then you would be safe in the knowledge that you would be woken up straight away if anyone tried to get in.

I think yabu unless you come up with a few practical solutions yourself, rather than just moaning and arguing about it.

I have very little patience for fears of this kind, though. As you can see

This was one of the reasons I went to therapy. And I've been much better... I still hate it though. Last week I was staying at a friend's without DP and just ended up climbing into bed with my friend because although I wasn't nearly as scared anymore. I was still really restless and couldn't sleep.

This will sound odd but I found turning off all the lights and making everything as dark as possible helped (no creepy shadows)

I hate it. I leave lights on, have the alarm on really early and retreat to my bedroom with the phone and laptop. I never sleep til really late and wake at the slightest sound. Not any easier since DD has been there either

I am just not used to it. It happens so rarely (1-2 times a year at most), so just can't feel comfortable about it at all.

I actually love being alone, and don't mind in theory DP going away for work for a bit (though I start to really miss him a lot after 3 or 4 days) - and yet even I start to get scared as dark falls. Once I've gone to bed I find it hard to get up and go to the bathroom or downstairs even if I really need a glass of water etc.

The cat helps, as she sleeps on the bed and I like feeling that she's with me. Also radio 4/world service droning away, I put it on sleep so that I can drop off with it still there.

I don't think YABU or that it's ridiculous. It's how you feel - if you were scared of spiders or heights people would accept that. Could you ask someone to come and stay sometimes?

I hate it too, although it doesn't happen too often.

I think in my case it's due to an overactive imagination, being a light sleeper and having terrifying hallucinations/sleep paralysis episodes.

Last year lovely DH arranged a weekend with him and DS1 at Bil's and DS2 at my folks so that I could have 'some time to yourself'. All my friends were jealous . I hardly slept a wink and was frankly relieved when they all got back on the Sunday.

Leave lights on, radio maybe. Drink yourself into a stupor at bedtime??

I didn't even read the 'AIBU to consider getting my house blessed' thread because I knew from the title, that I didn't want to know the details. DH is home tonight, but I would have filed the fear in my brain to pull out on a night when I was alone :)

I'm all for the support group. A kind of round the clock vigil on the 'I'm alone tonight, please keep me company' thread....

DH is going away for 4 days next week and I am crossing the days off the calender. I love him but his snoring is driving me nuts.

This 'phobia' wrecked my life at one point as we actually achieved my dream of moving to Canada BUT my husbands job meant that he was away for up to 3 weeks at a time and I could not cope with being on my own at night. Under the terms of our visas, he had to do that job until we got permanent residence which would have taken approximately 3 years and I only coped for a year until I begged DH to come back to the UK so he could get a job which meant he would not have to be away. We gave up a massive 5 bedroomed house with land and lost a lot of money which means that we have no deposit for a house here and have had to rent ever since .

I used to bring the DSs matresses into my room every night, DD would be in my bed, then I would lock the bedroom door (this was after I had been around the whole house and double checked all doors and windows) and then I would put an ironing board upright against the door . I still could not go to bed until 3/4am until I was almost delirious with needing to sleep. Then in the morning I would need to put the DSs beds back together which was a complete faff and I was really a complete mess through lack of sleep. We lived in a beautiful, friendly small town as well and the DCs loved it . I was absolutely fine during the day and when DH was home, I would have the most lovely peaceful sleep.

Totally fucked everything up having to come back and I have since been diagnosed with OCD and have had CBT and am on anti-ds and now am now much better. DH had to go away for a funeral a few months back and I was bloody fine, kids all slept in their own beds and I kept my bedroom door open! Wish to god I had got help sooner .

My mum is exactly the same to this day. My dad works away in the week (before that he was in the forces and was away for up to 6 months at a time) and she never sleeps either and she's 65 now. She never spoke about it until recently.

DH was away at the beginning of this term for two nights and I was convinced that I could hear footsteps in the loft above my bedroom, softly making their way towards the loft hatch.

I even advertised for a live-in nanny, not to look after the DCs though, for me! Of course I then watched 'The Hand That Rocks The Cradle' and had to rethink.

Given the context, can't stop laughing at musicmadness' typo (I hope she meant rain!)

"Could playing a CD or something at night help? If I'm alone I normally leave my laptop on with the sound of pain playing through it off one of those relaxing sleep sites."

I live in a skyscraper (level 52), the building has 24h security + concierge and the lifts work with cards specific to your floor, so realistically the risk is negligible, but I feel the same when DH travels. Especially hate it when he's away for a week as I know I'll be a sleep deprived zombie at work.

DH tries to explain calmly and logically why it's silly to be scared, but I feel there's nothing rational about my fear.

Has anyone actually had CBT or therapy and if so, did it help? Going back to the UK soon and dreading living in a house again.

Yes, I'd like to know a little about the CBT too. I agree, when I used to do it when DH was away a lot, it did get more comfortable towards the end of the week, so perhaps restructuring how I think might work.
Thanks soooo much for all of your wonderful posts - I can't tell you how reassuring and helpful they are. And funny!
I had even thought about checking into a hotel when DH is away just so I felt I had more people around me.
I try to get family to come and stay when he is not there, but I think I need to deal with this as it is frustrating me.
So glad to have posted to hear that I am not the only one getting nervous!

Where could we put a support thread on MN?