To be annoyed that so called friends like using my home as a creche but then never return the favour??

[electra]

I've now realised that I have more than one friend who does this.

I don't mind people coming round with their children and clearing toys away afterwards BUT they never return the favour.

Last week a friend texted me - could she come over for coffee. I would usually have said yes but the house was being used already for a meeting so I explained this and said 'if you like I could come over to you?'......no reply.

AIBU to think this is bloody rude?? I have at least 2 friends who always come here and whose houses I have not been to for over a year.

Surely friendships should be a two way thing?

is your house so utterly perfect that they are embarrassed to let you into their normally chaotic houses?

or do you have a reputation for putting cigarettes out on peoples sofas?

or does your child have a reputation for tornado-like destruction?

hahaha - no my children are all in school except dd3 who could not even sit the last time I went to their houses so not able to make a mess - their children do make a mess however!! (but I wouldn't mind this by itself). I don't smoke - no the house is very much lived in, not perfect.

oh i do this, definitely, but am most up-front about it. i ask people to adopt us because our neighbours are pita about noise...

sounds like your friend needed to get out of the house on that occasion, or her house was just not in a fit state to have any visitors... if this was a one off i would be ok, but the absolute lack of reply is weird/rude.

this happens to me too.

but i have stopped it. it was costing me a fortune too in extra food etc etc.

thing is, i dont actually mind people round, in fact i love having people round.

i do mind being taken for an idiot though. and never being invited round to thiers. not just because its uncool, but also because on occasion i would quite like the change of scenery!

funnily enough, since i started saying no, only one of the 'regulars' is still a mate and now makes much more of an effort to have us round hers too. all the others have totally fallen off the radar.

so i guess they really were just using me [shrugs]

ok so that is all the obvious explanations ruled out.

do you have an ongoing (and often brutal) feud with their neighbours that means they can't risk being see to socialise with you?

are they running a drug empire from their house?

do they actually live out of the school's catchment area and are afraid that you will "dob them in"?

This happens to me frequently and it is annoying so i totally sympathise with you.Have one friend who comes up at least twice a week with her kids for about 3 hours,eats all my food,kids make a mess then buggers off home when my dh comes home from work and leaves me to deal with the aftermath of mess,food everywhere etc.Yet i have never ever been asked into her house and we have been friends for nearly 2 years which i do find strange.Have asked if i can go to hers for coffee instead but always get told no its a mess etc.

frikonastick - sounds familiar! I think what I find rude is the total lack of response, yes.

This used to happen to me a lot, in the end i just got plain fed up of it and started being 'busy' myself on days they wanted to come over. Wouldn't have been so bad even if they'd just stayed an hour or 2 but 4 hours after they'd arrived and i'd fed everyone lunch i was still sat wondering what time they'd be planning on leaving, and 2 friends i literally had to turf out of the door before tea time on many an occasion!
Since i put a stop to this only one friend has stayed in regular contact and invites me and 2 children that are at home with me over to her house.
I always try to be considerate though and never stay more than 2 hours and take something small over to have as a snack that the kids can share, oh and i always tidy up before i leave.
Just basic manners i think, good to read that i'm not the only one who has experienced this though

This used to happen to me as well.

However, since I registered as a childminder, only a couple are still with me (and make use of my services from time to time). All the others have fallen off the radar for some reason. hmm. Fair weather friends.

Oh my god! I cant believe you lot! If my friends come over and kids make a mess, so bloody what! For goodness sake! Its nice to have friends! why would you pick at them like that!

YANBU, how rude!

With all my friends we tend to take it in turns to host. I just assumed everyone did!

Theincrediblesulk - it's nothing to do with the mess at all - I've already said that if you look. It's the selfishness of it that annoys me. Does it occur to them that I might like a change of scenery occasionally? (as would dd3).

Exactly, Violet - I never stay longer than 1.5 hours and always take something like a cake if I'm ever invited anywhere (some friends I have do invite me over and we take it in turns - I'm talking about particular people)

It just annoyed me that on the one day when I couldn't have this friend over she ignored me when I asked to come to hers instead!

I am very selfish.

I always invite my friends here. Because I am also lazy.

Theincrediblesulk, i don't think i was picking on my friends, just friendship should be a 2 way street in my opinion, and people should at least show a little respect for each other or thats how i like things but we're all different.

It's true people do see things differently but I think ignoring a text is quite rude when the person is supposed to be a friend (and in both cases I've known these women since we were children).

In addition, turning up at someone's house and staying all day, expecting lunch and generally taking advantage on a regular basis is bad manners imo.

Totally agree electra after having been on the recieving end myself too, i don't think you were being unreasonable at all.

Same with me. There are some mums who just don't seem to invite people over. They are quite happy to go to other people's houses but when they arrange the meet up we always have to go to park or soft play. It's a bit of a pain as it is nice to have a change of scenery. Also, when anyone comes over I seem to spend tons of time tidying up and then have to do it all over again when they leave!!!

However, I did have a friend from son's pre school that would invite me over to hers for lunch with the kids and she would make a huge effort, so when I returned the favour I felt really under pressure to get nice food in (not just sarnies, fruit etc.)

I have another friend who has a play room full of the most amazing toys, big garden etc so I am always a bit nervous about inviting them round as I think her daughter will be bored of my son's stuff and also we don't really have a garden as such either.

Yes I think the crux of it is that I feel they think I'm not worthy of an invitation to their house. I'm fully prepared to accept that maybe this is my issue and possibly not really how it is!!

Same here. Though I have lived with my parents and DD post-breakup and in a horrid council house and was wary then to invite people over. So I try to be understanding that people may be having work done/have other family at home/not much like their house.
But some people just don't want the hassle I think (usually the same people who ignore their children mashing banana into the carpet and don't offer to help tidy). I don't think they think I'm unworthy (hope not!), I just really think they can't be arsed with the mess and providing snacks and cleaning in advance.

Doesn't really matter to me though -I'd rather have some adult conversation and playmates for DD than not .

yes, i have a big garden etc etc and some of the piss takers dont, but kids dont care about stuff like that anyway. well, mine certainly doesnt. she just likes going somewhere different. and anyone elses toys are always way more exciting than your own, thats a universal law isnt it!

like i said though, its obvious who just doesnt want the hassle and its just easier to come to yours than put the effort in. stop inviting them and see how soon they call you up and offer to go round thiers......

I had a friend who used to text and casually ask if I was about that afternoon and would we like to meet up. She wasn't bothered one way or other about whether it was her house or mine, but once we were either there and settled or she was here, she would do this thing where she suddenly remembered she had an osteopath appointment or something (usually medical) and would then go on with this theatrical thing where she'd get all stressed about it and that they'd charge her £30 if she didn't turn up and before you knew it, I was looking after her 2 kids as well as mine.

She did it twice in 2 weeks and had seemed to had forgotten about the first time when she tried to do it the 2nd time.

I was busy the next time she wanted to meet up, funnily enough!

Crafty cow.

Funny thing was, if she'd just asked me outright, I probably would have said yes (though I might have wanted the favour returning at some point and you do open that can of worms when you start asking)

Brilliant sloany - your friend is a master - free babysitting!

OMG - that is unbelievable SP!