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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is it wring for me to go back to work whilst dh is full time carer

25 replies

chilipepper27 · 21/09/2010 00:31

im going back to work full time soon whilst my dh stays at home to look after ds, we are quite happy with this as i have good shifts and the better wage so i will still see a lot of ds and all the bills are sorted but a few people have said a child should be with his mother , are they right? aibu?

OP posts:
Katey1010 · 21/09/2010 00:32

YANBU. Do what works for your family.

angelberry · 21/09/2010 00:38

YANBU. They're talking bollocks. My DH is a SAHD at the moment and it's brilliant.

mjinhiding · 21/09/2010 00:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

thespindoctor · 21/09/2010 00:41

YANBU, DH and I do this and it works well generally. You don't say how old your DS is, but the only difficulty we have found is that the area we live in is quite traditional, and whilst other women will now talk to DH at toddler group, he never gets invited to anything outside of the group because he's a bloke.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/09/2010 00:43

YANBU DH is a SAHD because I earn 4x what he does. The kids are happy and he is teaching them his mother tongue so they will be bilingual. Dads matter too and if the mum is the main breadwinner then it makes more sense for her to work.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 21/09/2010 07:19

What shit some people speak!

A man is just as acapable of caring for his child as a woman is!

Do what makes sense for your family. And don't listen to these sexist people who think that you need a vagina to be able to look after a child.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 21/09/2010 07:23

Yep - ignore, ignore ignore!!! They are talking absolutely rubbish!

Tell your DH to contact his local sure start/NCT as they sometime run P&T groups more aimed at Dads... or they may be able to get him in touch with other SAHDs.
I do go to a few Stay and Plays at my local sure start and I must say that Dads are made very welcome Smile But it depends on the area, I guess!
One of my AN group friends signed her DS up to Water Babies and she and her DH took turns in taking him.

SandStorm · 21/09/2010 07:56

I know a couple of SAHDs and to be honest neither I nor any of our mutual friends have ever thought anything about it. Ignore what these people are saying.

ayjayjay · 21/09/2010 08:09

YANBU. What nonsense and very insulting to your DH to imply that his care will not be good enough!

EricNorthmansmistress · 21/09/2010 08:12

YANBU

Original poster
chilipepper27 · 21/09/2010 21:20

Thanks everyone ,my ds is an amazing dad and I think it will work out fine , I just couldn't beleive how many people I know are opposed to it one person even went as far as to say my husband just didn't want to work bloody cheek of them !

OP posts:
parakeet · 21/09/2010 21:41

Remind them it is the 21st century.

We did this for 9 months last year when my husband was made redundant. No problems at all.

Best of luck with it.

ChippingIn · 21/09/2010 23:35

we are quite happy with this

That is all that matters!!

FWIW my friend works and her DH is the SAHP and he is the best one for the job (she admits that too!!). He's great with the kids, cooks all the meals etc and does most of the housework/laundry... but she nags him to death about everything and micro-manages his day/kids school stuff etc. It would drive me insane if I was him - but it works for them!?!

I think what you should do (if you haven't already) is have a really, really good discussion about expectations (yours & his). Then also resolve to talk about any little niggles and not let them build up. For somepeople it works brilliantly and easily, for others it's hard to adjust - jealously of time spent with the baby, at home, meeting friends etc while you are at work, who is doing what around the house, who is spending money, activities you would with her if you were home that he doesn't want to (rhyme time, jungle kids, swimming etc),

He also needs to be prepared to feel quite isolated, being a SAHD can be quite lonely...

mumeeee · 21/09/2010 23:43

YANBU. If that's what you want to do and you are both happy,then do it. I knew acouple of SAHD@s when my children were younger and thier children were fine.

hanette · 21/09/2010 23:44

YANBU - just watch out for the swedish nannies in the park! my dh was PT SATH for a couple of years and loved the attention! Everyone assumed there was a tragic story behind it all and he chose not to correct them!

tralaa · 22/09/2010 00:27

one of my best friends went back to work and her Dh stayed at home (various reasons to do with their circumstances when they had their first child). They have four kids now and it has worked really well for them - she works shifts on a rotation so is actually at home alot anyway, and he is very domesticated (more than her, she would say!).Their DCs are delightful, and I think that the important thing when children are young is that they are cared for by someone who loves them.

TottWriter · 22/09/2010 01:00

YANBU. My DP has been and will be the SAHP when I eventually find another job. There is absolutely no reason men can't do this - I just don't understand how so many people can think a person incapable or inferior at looking after a child just because they happen to have testicles. It's sexism aimed the other way; the only reason it's not flagged up is that there are fewer men being discriminated against in this way than women are generally.

thomsc · 22/09/2010 02:37

I AM a SAHD and it's great!

DW earns 2x what I did and it was an obvious decision.

The OPs friends opinions baffle me. A child should be with someone who cares for them and loves them. Mother, father, grandparent, childminder, nanny...

I did get the odd "oh aren't you brave / doing well" etc but most people seemed to accept that a man should be capable of keeping a baby alive and vaguely clean.

I know quite a few SAHDs where I live (Brixton, London) and whilst we have the same gripes that many SAHMs do about being tired etc we all enjoy every most days and I'm sure few would swap for a commute and a desk again.

4 years in and with 2 DSs I have a good group of fellow SAHDs and lots of SAHM friends. ChippingIn is right, it can be isolating, but the trick is to get out and about and talk to people - go to drop-ins, one o'clock clubs, say hello in the playground etc.

pompncircumstance · 22/09/2010 03:59

My sister's husband does this and he loves it. It was the only way they could work around their finances and they seem to be happy doing it.

Sassyfrassy · 22/09/2010 06:38

My DH stays at home with the kids and I work full time. It works really well, he's definately more cut out for staying at home than I am. I was home for the first year with both girls though so I don't feel like I missed out. The expectation between us as that he will find at least part time work once both girls are in school.

gorionine · 22/09/2010 06:54

I think people have to start realising that dads are as competent as mums to raise their children (especially if they want to do so themselves0and stop this nonsense of only trusting mothers to do the job. Of course YANBU, he is a parent as well why should people find that strange?

Just one question though, if you were the one staying at home would you call yourself a full time carer or a SAHM? I was a bit surprised that you would say "carer" as opposed to SAHD.

smugtandemfeeder · 22/09/2010 07:01

Read Raising Boys if you want to reassure yourself. It is important in the first four years that they have a consistent loving care giver but this can be mum, dad, grandma as long as they are responsive, loving and consistent.

I share the childcare 50/50 with my DH and my DS LOVES the time he spends with his dad more than the time he spends with me! They just spend the day chasing each other and eating chocolate Hmm but they have a ball!

Bue · 22/09/2010 10:38

I didn't realise I had time travelled back to the 1950s.

It makes me so cross that people would suggest to you that this isn't a good arrangement. Children do NOT need to be with their mother all day. I'm sure your DS will thrive in his dad's care.

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 22/09/2010 10:43

What odd things some people think.

Original poster
chilipepper27 · 22/09/2010 17:45

i think i typed carer just because i was tired at the time ,
my dh is much better at being organised running a house etc than me and im more career orientated than him , so it seems ideal for us , our families are a bit old fashioned but i need to learn to speak up a bit more.thanks for all your posts , none of my friends have children and my family are old fashioned so all your advice means a lot

OP posts:
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