to have called the school and told them dd was refusing to come in?

[tittybangbang]

.... Second week of term at her new secondary school and dd was insisting she felt sick and had tummy ache, and refusing to get out of bed. Problem is that she's said the same thing every day for several weeks now - tummy hurts, neck hurts, she feels sick etc, etc. Hasn't stopped her eating loads, seeming completely well when she's doing something she wants to be - ie going to a party/friends house/watching tv, shopping. Last week I managed to get her into school every day, and she came home happy enough most days. Today she dug her heels in, cried and shouted and refused to go. She did this a few times last term at her primary school too. Made a good recovery on the very few occasions that I let her stay at home after having lingering doubts about whether she was actually ill or not. She moans a lot about aches and pains, but hasn't needed to see a doctor in the last 10 years ,except about her very, very mild excema. She's not had antibiotics since she was a few months old and appears to have the constitution of an ox.

I said I understood that she might not feel 100%, but that unless she was actually ILL she still had to go to school. I explained that I wouldn't phone the school and tell them I thought she was ill as I didn't think she was, but would tell them that she was claiming to feel unwell and was refusing to come in.

The school has recently had an outstanding OFSTED report and is obviously very hot on students going AWOL, so when I phoned up and told them this they suggested 1) that dd either came in after break to talk to a teacher or 2) they'd send someone round to the house to talk to her.

So dd got dressed and we all went into school together. I explained to the teacher what I felt was going on (that dd was swinging the lead and had her own reasons for not wanting to come to school which I'm not at present privy to) and that both DH and I felt very strongly that it was wrong for us to keep her at home.

Teacher managed to persuade her to stay and DH and I went off, with a promise to pick her up if she vomited or took a turn for the worse.

She's due home any minute now and I'm bracing myself for a barrage of abuse. She's furious that I refused to tell the school that she was unwell, but my feelings are that this is a very slipperly slope to start going down with a stroppy pre-teen and it's best to play things completely by the book.

Was I being harsh and cruel? And moreover, what the buggery bollocks will I do tomorrow if she tries it again, as she's very likely to? The school will only show so much patience surely? Anyone else here had to deal with a school refuser?

Sorry, should add that she seems to have settled fairly well at school in every other way. She's not shy, has loads of friends there from her old school, and has started to make new friends already. As far as I know she's not been in trouble and can do the homework with both hands tied behind her back.

YANBU. I think you've handled an extremely difficult situation, very well.

And don't beat yourself up if she gives you abuse - or respond in kind - if you can, keep calm, she will soon see that emotional blackmail is going to get her nowhere.

A trip to the doctor is certainly on the cards... rule out genuine illness as a first stop. Assuming she is not unwell it's then worth trying to get to the bottom of why she wants to stay home... bullying, unhappiness, finding the work too hard etc. If it really is a case of swinging the lead (and you know your daughter best, I would suggest) then stoic ignoring of the 'symptoms' and leaving her at school is probably the best bet. Good luck

No, you were absolutely right. My dd does exactly the same thing and I was totally upfront with the school.

The school also asked me to tell them well in advance if I thought something was up so they could head it off early rather than it festering and making the situation worse.

YADNBU Sounds awful. My DD is 10 and last week announced she didn't feel well in the morning when I knew that it was a maths homework issue. But she still talks to me. Can't imagine how dreadful it will be when she stops confiding in me. I think you did the right thing but no idea where you go from here - hopefully someone with more experience of this sort of thing will be along soon.

OP - you did the right thing...well done.

You're probably right in that there is likely to be some underlying reason for her not wanting to go in.

In my day (yawn etc) there was a simple rule, in that missing a day of school meant that you couldn't go out that evening.

I think a fair but firm chat - where you try and explore her reasons for not wanting to go in...and re-emphasising the need for integrity etc (boy who cried wolf is a useful allegory, at any age!).

Best of luck.

I also should add that being nervous or anxious does make some people/children feel sick (it does to me too) so I never ignore dd's symptoms of feeling sick. Your dd may well feel sick but its cause is probably an emotional one and maybe it's just the jump to secondary school that makes her feel that way, especially if she has a sensitive disposition.

Another thing that helped is me insisting dd was honest with me. So I said to her 'look, I know what you are doing and I can totally understand you wanting a day at home when the going might get tough but it can't last and you have to tell me when you feel you are needing to do this'

I also gave a bit of a lecture on the educational welfare department lol and how they investigate children who continually don't go into school

You have done exactly the right thing.

If you get abuse then just invoke the consequences for her being rude to you - send her to her room?

Try and talk to her when she's calm, try and encourage her to talk to her form tutor.

But otherwise do exactly what you did today again.

YANBU - by flagging it up with school in this way you get them onboard to make sure all's ok there.

You are and you aren't...

I don't think what you did was 'bad' as such, but I do think that she's your daughter, so you need to get to the bottom of it, not the school.

I would be 'having words' along the lines of 'I'm not going through this every morning, you need to tell me what the problem is' and if she wont 'Fine, tell me when you are ready, I'm always here for you (blah blah blah) but until you are ready to talk to me properly I don't want to hear one more word about not going to school'.

Let her know you are there if she wants to talk about it, but that you aren't putting up with this 'debate' every morning.

No, you wern't being harsh and cruel.
Yes, it can be very difficult, you were certainly right to tell the school.
The school cannot deal with a problem they don?t know about.
From what you have stated above, it certainly sounds like a good and caring school. Keep up the relationship with the school and make sure they know you are a supporting and concerned parent.
Keep a close relationship with your daughter and support her (although I must admit that?s easier to type than to do!).
Keep a Diary, note all the days, dates and times of any problems.

Good Luck

No you weren't being harsh asnd cruel, I would have done exactly the same thing in your shoes,

I think you did the right thing. Well done.

Chipping's idea of a diary is a good one, that way you might identify a particular lesson or teacher or something in particular that she is trying to avoid.

Think I would definately make an appointment with the doctor just to put all minds at rest if all ok there then I would do exactly as chippingin has suggested. Good luck x

I think you did the right thing and I also think the school should be credited with supporting both of you.

No, you weren't.

But - I would say if she's been doing this for a while now, there must be a reason. Is she being bullied? Is she struggling in one of her classes? Think you need to sit down with her and talk about what is going on.

Would also offer to book her a doctors appointment to get her checked over, see if that prompts her to being open with you.

If it's not too nosey can I ask what happens if she does take a sick day as she did last year? You say she made a quick recovery - surely when that happens you could take her to school instead of shopping etc? I would suggest making it as unexciting as possible to stay at home, no tv/computer etc just lie on your bed...if you are well enough to be up and doing you are well enough for school. If there is no more significant reason to stay home than laziness the prospect of a boring day with dry toast for lunch should put a different spin on it for her

I agree with Just. My mum used to tell me that too ill for school = too ill for parties/ going out / having friends over etc. I didn't stay ill long...

YANBU

I wrk as attendance & welfare officer for a secondary school and this is very common in Yr 7 as some kids find the change from Primary to Secondary a bit stressful.

Contacting the school is defo the best policy, there is no magic formula as all cases are different. Would certainly get he booked in with GP for a general welfare check. Try to have a chat with her about why she's not willing to get to school, cld be somethin as simple as in the wrong set for maths and not coping well with the workload etc. Does she have a head of house, form tutor or pastoral carer who she can be buddied up with just as back up in school if she needs to talk to someone about her worries.

If all else fails let her know that once her attendance drops below 95% (varies from school to school but usually around this figure) it is generally overseen by an Education Welfare Officer (equivalent to the the school board man when I was at school) who may then want a chat with her, but this is definately a last resort for yr 7's.

Good luck and defo keep up the contact with her school.