To let my 4.6 year old play outside?

[ASecretLemonadeDrinker]

We have no garden, but where we live we have a U shape of terraced houses and my house and another links the two ends with walkways underneath. Inside is a green. Over the summer I have been letting DS play out there with next doors DS (5) - they take out a basket full of toys and muck around in the bushes etc. Another house had put a slide out there but it broke a year or so ago. When one of the owners grandchildren come (few times a week) they play outside. THe other side of my house to the green is the garages. We are off the road, then into a cul de sac then into another cul de sac. Both sets of parents (when DH is here) pop out, have windows open - I leave all my windows open, front door open, pop in and out bringing snacks/drinks/toys.

I was always allowed out like this, both boys are good (but obviously we know they are young so check on them alot, I wash up infront of the window etc.)

3 incidents have happened in the last 2 weeks though and I don't know whether I ABU to this or not.

THe other week DS took his cuddly toy and walked up the verge abit (garages side - big grass verge) and sat next to my car waiting for DH to come home. This is within sight of my living room window. Where he sat was about the corner into our cul de sac and someone who lives over the other way was loading her car, as was one of the people in my U bit (who is a childminder). She was asked by 'loading lady' if he was one of hers - she then shouted through my open front door my child was on the road (?!) and she went to get him. I went out to get him and she was bringing him back (all 10 odd steps) and I said thankyou and sorry (?!) and she told me off saying I should be outide when he is. Yes, I'd love to but I have a 2 year oldand a 10 week old and although I sit out there sometimes, DS spends whole days out there with his friend. They love it.

On Thursday DS wanted to go out there when we got in from school (he's just started so tiring) and he curled up near the front door and fell asleep and childminder ladies adult son knocked on the (open) door and told me.

And thirdly today, DS and his friend were playing out under the archway infront of my door - there are bushes across abit of 'road' of the cul de sac and they were playing abit in there too and a neighbour came back with her 7 y o son who sometimes plays with them (but isn't allowed to pick up other childrens toys etc. because of germs) and when DS and his friend were asking him to play out, and he was asking his mum if he could she said no and said my DSs and his friends parents didn't care about them ! :( I felt like running out there but have hid inside instead - I got DS and his friend in and put on Chitty Chitty Bang Bang in the playroom, but then the 7 y o must have been allowed to associate with the rifraf out and started shouting for them, so they are all back outside now

AIBU? I am careful with my boys, but don't want to smother them or be a helicopter parent - when they go out I let them climb, dig, roll and just peel off their clothes and take PJs and wipes for the journey home kind of thing.

DS is back out that in old clothes, generally dirty from beind in bushes and making a construction site - am I being neglectful? Honestly? :(

I wouldnt let mine out at 4 like this but horses for courses.

ooops, sorry that's long. Nutshell: I let DS play out with next doors DS (5) and today a neighbour said their parents didn't care about them.

If I were that parent I would have said different parents have different rules and I am sure there are things you are allowed to do that neighbours children arent. I wouldnt necessarily trust the word of a 4 year old either to report back exactly.

I heard her - she pretty much shouted it at them

I think it's too young. I mean...I let my dd out at the age of 5 but I sit n the step whilet she plays with her picnic stuff on our front uninclosed lawn....I would not let a 4 year old out alone for long enough that he could fall asleep....not judging here...poeple have different fears...my 5 year old is a bit daf in some ways and if ssome adult came up to her and said she was to go with them because "mummy said" then she would go....some kids are more streetwise...and would tell a stranger to feck off....but still.

What worries me is that if your neighbours are noticing him then someone local and weird could also notice him...and then the opportunity is there.

Also..and I may get flack for this...I dont let my own child play with kids who ate more than 2 years her senior...too much room for bullying.

He fell asleep within minutes while I was unpacking shopping.

Maybe I had better bring him in :(

I think you also have to be careful where cars may be backing in and out....as you said he was waiting by your car for your DH...I know my Mum is terribly nervous of knockinga child over on her estate as they're often playing near the car parking area...they dont have the sense to move or even notice some things.

I dont think you should feel too badly about it...but I do think that if DS plays outside, you need to sit and watch at this age.

my nearly 7 year old and nearly 4 year old are currently at the little playpark two houses up from mine. I cannot see them from the house. I therefore dont see anything wrong with your lo playing within your sight even if you arent out there with him.

I sometimes think my 4-year-old hasn't the sense he was born with, but I still let him play out with his friend with minimal supervision (i.e. I'm in the kitchen within earshot, but not looking directly at them at all times.) I check every couple of minutes. Our garden is unenclosed at the end of a cul-de-sac in a tiny village. They will occasionally go out onto the footpath to retrieve a toy, or wander across the road to beg sweets from chat to elderly neighbour. They also climb fences, pretend the tree is a pirate ship, and can climb on and off the trampoline without assistance (and they always close the zip)

I think YANBU, at that age when I was a child, we would have been lost in the back of our extremely sprawly back garden and my mother only expected us at mealtimes. I do wonder about the falling asleep bit though. My DS is never quiet, so I always know he's ok.

mine have just come back and are still in one piece - survived another unsupervised trip to the park!!

I think they are too young to be out unsupervised tbh

I persoanlly think 4y is too young to be outside playing unsupervised.

I think 4 and 5 yrs is too young to be totally unsupervised. Could you not take turns with your neighbour. Maybe you could sit out and watch for a while and another day the neighbour could take her turn.

I hink playing unsupervised in an enclosed garden is different and fine though.

i think you know your own child. if you think it's safe, then it probably is. yes, anything could happen. but will it? it's unlikely. and there might be a gas explosion in the house if you keep him in. you can't legislate against everything...

as long as you trust your ds and his playmate then i think you're fine. i hate it when people tell me what my dd is doing, when i know full well and i'm allowing it. i left her and dd2 with the pushchair in sainsburys today while i nipped back and got some cheese. when i got back to her there was a man with her saying 'she was a bit concerned about where her mum was'. was she bollocks. what does he know?

you are the mum. you know best.

My four year old has no road sense
she'd go off with anyone who offered her sweets
she's too little to cope alone if she fell and hurt herself
she needs supervising, because she's 4, there's years when she won't need me, for now she does

I think you (OP) are fantastic for encouraging your little one to be independent and to have fun. We have had similar dilema with our three year old especially as other three year olds are out all by themselves.

But watching these three year olds (and 4,5,6 7.....) and they ar not old enough to be by themselves. They usually don;t go near the road...but several times they have been disctracted and run in th road when something (even on our very slow road) has come along and not seen them. Its not really fair on the driver either. Also they have eaten random berries, picked up a big stick with nail on they found under a bush and been waving it about and I;ve seen them chatting with strangers and the strangers looking at me as if to say "whose kids are these" etc.

Its a tough decision, but its about risk. How bad are the dangers and how likely are they? In a risk assessment you take into consideration both how likely damage would be (prob quite unlikely) against how much damage would be done (in this instance you're looking at the WORST thing any Mum could ever experience surely) and this would point the risk assessor to a high number therefore suggesting the risk is not worth it.

Agree this is a shame. We hope to have another and wonder how next year we would supervise 4 year old and a new born. But we;ve decided that if we couldn't she wouldn;t play out that time. At present we just move everything outside (folding washing, doing gardening, picnic dinners, doing college work...) and the house is a tip as we never get into it.

Also. ANd I wait to be slaughtered for this but I called NSPCC and referred to child services the 2 mums accross the street who let their three year olds play out unsupervised. I asked the help line (as I hated doing what I did) how old they felt kids could be allowed out and they asked me lots of questions. I also rememebered that our next door neighbours had tactfully let me know that we had a registered sex offender on our street and that if I had noticed they were out alone then he would too.

Also, I do risk assessments for child at work and at every training sessions I have had the number one thing you can put in place to massively reduce risk of harm is...

...adult supervision...

If you had a gas explosion you'd be there to help him.

I think they are too young to be out unsupervised tbh

I think it depends on the child. Your street sounds quite safe TBH, and as long as you believe your child isn´t the kind to go running off it´s fine.

I think your right to trust your child and give him space to learn for himself, they need this to gain perspective of what they can and cant do- however- you can only know youself and your child so well you DONT KNOW WHAT YOUR NEIGHBOURS or their guests are like!
I have a 3.9 and would not let him play out even if it was with a friend. I am also very wary after a friends child( 4.5) wandered off ( he aparantly was walking to the road to watch for fire engines!) we were looking for him for about an hour and that was THE most horrifying time, even though it was only an hour.Everyone parents differently though and it is not anyone elses decision but your own. I think it naive for people to say "When I was younger we were in the garden on our own all day" blah blah, this is a different world we live in today.

Hi LemonadeDrinker, I'm not judging you but although you can see and hear your ds most of the time when you're in the house, have you considered that others may not think you can?

I allow my two quite a bit of freedom although they weren't allowed to play out unsupervised until they were 5/6, and that was only if there was a group of them and close to the house.

I'm only asking this because I can think of many examples over the years with young children in our road riding bikes around, cars having to brake sharply to avoid them, children falling over outside our house and just SCREAMING even if it's just a grazed knee! If no parents appear I feel obliged to step in and supervise, (we live on the corner which is a prime spot for children playing out). Although dh or I will always run out and tend to a child, or even just shout "Mind the cars!", we do find it encroaches upon our time, feeling responsible for other kids because there's no sign of their parents and we're the nearest to where they're playing. It has annoyed us at times, especially if we're trying to enjoy the time with our kids or have visitors, or trying to work from home etc which I sometimes have to do.

You may need to make sure your ds and his friend aren't bothering your neighbours at all, as we often have requests for drinks/biscuits from other kids, my dh doesn't give into that whereas I have supplied a drink and biscuit on some occasions, it can be hard to know what to do if no other parents seem to be around. Of course this may not be the situation with your ds at all but I'm just giving you another point of view.