to feel that my partner is being a sanctimonous cock and is wrong?

[miniwedge]

He has been a cock all day today. Offered to help him with something for dsd and he bit my head off. Has been biting my head off/being generally snappy with me all week.
He is giving up smoking and I am very proud of him but he is only being a twunt with me and it is wearing a bit thin today.

I do understand how hard it is to give up, I did it two years ago so whilst I sympathise I'm a bit fed up of him taking it out on me.

So anyway, he snapped, I told him to pack it in and went to do the weekly sh0p.
Got back, was still fed up, he started picking at me, he was trying to start a row. I ignored him, he came into the kitchen and started yelling, called me an ignorant cunt. At this point I threw my hand bag at him , told him to fuck off and went out of the house to have a short walk and cool down.

Got back, he told me that I have upset his dd and if I ever do that again he will throw me out.
I laughed because it was so obviously utter bollocks. DSD was laughing behind hi back whilst he was telling me this and making faces at me.

He then went into one about the house insurance, our rebuild value is £80k, I have insured us for £85k. He is now saying I am a selfish lazy cow and have "put us at risk".
He just doesn't understand insurance nd which bit is which. He wants me to reinsure for ..... wait for it.... £1million rebuild value.

I am fucking fuming,
A; he called me a cunt which is utterly wrong in my opinion. You don't call someone you care for a cunt.

2; He brought dsd into it to point score off me which again is utterly wrong.

I want to brain him with the joint of pork I'm cooking.

He's a prick.

As a mother, how would you feel if in the future your DD's partner said those things? What would your advice be?

I think tbh, when you are calmer and more rational, seriously you need to find somewhere for you and DD to live.

Until he treats you with respect and stops manipulating things using his daughter to try to force you to toe the line then tbh, you need to put him on probation.

This giving up smoking has just inflamed things that were already there. It is who he is.

he needs some nicotine patches

My DH has just given up smoking. It is hard and at times has been a bit grumpy/short tempered but if he behaved in such a vile manner he would be out on his ear!

He sounds like a bully and an arse - the not smoking just sounds like an excuse.

And I definately wouldn't be cooking for him

Perhaps don't move in until you marry thogh with people particularly if you're the weaker party financially. It sounds like it's his house not yours so you're in a risky position as a cohabitant.

I'm not the weaker party financially. My earning power is far greater than his.
The mortgage is in his name because when we bought we discovered that my ex partner had run up credit in my name and that had incurred a couple of ccj's which we were unable to remove as the judgements were over a certain time limit. That meant that it would be very difficult to get a mortgage let alone a deent rate. Hence in his name but legal protection for me.

We have been together almost 7 yrs, we didn't decide to live together for almost 2 yrs. we didn't rush into this.

Appreciate your point of view but I have been careful to make sure I am protected with regard to the house etc. Even marriage is not a cast iron guarantee of a fair financial settlement if you split.

He is being a twunt, I agree that there are some red flags there but also don't want to overreact to a row that is made worse by his nicotine withdrawal if you see wha I mean.

Oh I don't know, right now I'm just angry and upset.

Do people really think this is defensible because he is giving up smoking? Really?

I think it's inexcusable behaviour!

What type of man uses his dd to score points/get his own way/bully his dp into doing what he wants?

Lots of people aren't perfect (and nor are most of us). It just depends what compromises you're prepared to make but the picture painted here doesn't look too good.

Don't leave of course because possession is 9/10s of the law. If you were really nasty and at the end of your tether you could try to get him ousted from the house even for verbal bullying although I don't think in most cases that is very fair on the man.

Perhaps anyway things will calm down. Not sure how anyone could live with a smoker. Doesn't it just totally put you off, the clothes smell etc. It must be horrible.

(If 50% of the house is held in trust for you although registered in his name that is sensible - loads of cohabiting couples don't realise they dont' have the same rights as in marriage)

What a total tosser. Yes giving up smoking is very hard and I was a cow but I was never like this. The fact that he was using his DD as an excuse as well shows that he knows what he is doing and saying.

I would be seriously reconsidering being with someone who refers to me as a "cunt" and who threatened to throw me out because of something that isn't even true (you supposedly upsetting his DD).

Why is he so 'upset' about this insurance thing anyway? You have enough covered for a rebuild so what is the problem? Why the hell does he want it for £1 million?

I didn't say it was ok for him to be like this, but I can bet he smoked a lot before he started trying to give up. I was an unreasonable, nasty bitch to start with, and even, to my shame, completely lost it one day, after 9 weeks of giving up, when I had to go down to a patch that was half the strength, and actually lashed out at DP. It was that that got me to realise that I was going to lose him if I didn't sort it out. So while it is never ok to behave like this, I can see the other side of it all. We are now fine, I don't smoke, we are getting married next year, and I am 23 weeks pregnant, so it can be got through, but I needed a hell of a lot of understanding from DP to get to this point.

Surprised you don't think being ousted for verbal bullying is fair on the man, Xenia? How is not fair? If someone has to go, surely it should be the bully?

What Loudlass said.

This isnt him talking - its nicotine withdrawal. When you see the signs again, just walk away. It will get easier for him pretty soon.

BTW - you're the one who escalated to physical violence. He was pretty damn nasty verbally though.

Regarding the insurance - its a well known fact that insurance companies rarely pay out as much the headline rate. So insuring a 80k rebuild house for just 85k would probably leave you with a payout of less than you need. No idea where hes getting 1 million from though. Perhaps he's going to build you a mansion?

So, if it's nicotine withdrawal, how come my colleague who gave up cigarettes, never called me or other colleagues a cunt while giving up? Is the OP's dp also calling colleagues cunts? Or clients? Or is he just reserving this treatment for his dp?

I agree with Zukiecat-
this is his true personality- there's loads of women here who partners have quit smoking but ffs look at the responses - NONE of them got called cunts. Don't sweep ths away like it's nothing

I think the drastic remedy of ousting should not be available for anything which is just verbal. for a start it is hard to define. Secondly it is often two way. Third it's hard to prove. Fourthly women often make it up. If a divorce is progressed then the person who doesn't leave the hosue has to leave anyway but far too many women make up spurious reasons to oust men (and Im not sure what Fernch law allows anyway). I think if it's just nasty comments people should put up with them until the divorce is done rather than go to court to get someone ordered to leave the home.

Is he taking anti-smoking pills from the doctor? I can't remember the name, but the ones my DP took gave him a frightening personality change. He's given up smoking before (!) but never been as horrible as he was when he was on the pills.

NICOTINE WITHDRAWAL.

Its not as interesting as a verbally and phyically abusive man, so forgive the more excited posters.

Of course, if it goes on for a while then perhaps you need to revisit this. Maybe he doent want to quit at all?

My dad was a seriously heavy smoker and felt very unwell when he was giving up. He managed not to call my mother a cunt though. If he had, I suspect he'd be wearing his bollocks as a pair of earings.

You say that he involves his DD. Did he do things like that even before he gave up smoking? Really unacceptable for him to call you a cunt, but to do all he did in front of his child is even worse.

Wrt the insurance, tell him that if he wants it to be done differently, he can get on the fucking phone and do it himself.

Personally, I think you have to tell him that this is completely unacceptable. Draw a line in the sand and tell him that if he crosses it again you will end the relationship. You have to mean it. He will be able to tell if you don't and if you threaten something but don't follow it through he will have even less respect for you than he does already (if that is possible).