to not want to give my son the name of the man who nearly killed my OH

[islandbaby]

OH and I are expecting our son at the end of november. Two months ago, OH was involved in a motorbike crash and had to have his leg amputated. His best friend (who was driving, OH was on the back) died.

After the accident we found out that the friend was over the alcohol limit.

It had never occurred to me that he might mention it, and we haven't discussed it, but I know he has told another family member that he would like to put his friend's name on the baby, somehow.

OH and this man were more like brothers, they grew up together in a very small community, and he has been deeply affected by his death. I really understand that, but I just feel uncomfortable giving the name of the man who almost killed my partner, to our son. In fact, I won't. If he mentions it directly to me I'll say that it isn't something I am happy with.

But am I being unreasonable?

YANBU

That night is not the only thing about your OH's friend.
Their history stretches beyond that.

I think that you should take your DH's leaf in this case to be honest. It's his accident, his friend, his history.

Lead, sorry

How far over the limit was he? Is it possible he didn't realise. I know in your eyes it won't matter but to your OH he might only see it as he lost his friend.

In his mind he might want to remember his best, now deceased, friend.

If it makes you uncomfortable then you shouldn't give his name to your son.

YANBU but OH isn't either (if he mentions it)

yanbu. as much as your DH wants to, it would be a constant reminder to you of a horrible time in your life. your child shouldn't be a source of pain for you.

If you don't want the name, you don't want it! you should agree on a name.

Has his friend got a middle name, that you could use as a middle name?

Or would you not like it all?

If you feel uncomfortable still then tell him. It doesnt mean he will forget him, sorry that you and your dh have had to go through that.

I think that if either parent has strong objections to a name for whatever reason, rational or irrational, then the child should not be given that name. There's no point carrying on the discussion as it will only increase ill-feeling and resentment. It's in the 'no' list and everyone has to move on and think of something else.

Incidentally, if he suggests the name (which he hasn't done yet, if I read the opening post correctly) then turn it down on the basis of not liking the name rather than not liking the friend. This makes it a question of taste rather than a personality clash - less easy to argue against.

This is your child for life,not an aid for his personal grief.
He should plant a tree. climb a mountain,do something personal that he can link to his dead friend,
. He is too close to the situation at the moment to be rational,also grieving for his leg and self image.

When DD2 was born, family members wanted me to name her after DH's sister, who had died of cancer while I was expecting.

I knew DSL didn't particularly even like her name and wouldn't have wished it upon a baby, although couldn't tell MIL that.

I also didn't want DD to be burdened with the name of the recently deceased, as constant reminder to everyone, rather than a new person in her own right.

I gave DD the traditional family middle name, which most women on both sides have in some form (Mary, Marie, Marion etc.) but a new name of her own.

Stick to your guns, maybe find another way to honour his friend, but I agree with not tagging your baby with the name, it will just be a constant reminder and you will never be happy with the name.

Sorry, long post. Best of luck with the baby. xx

So sorry you and your dh have been through such a terrible time.

I don't think yabu, I wouldn't like it either.

I suppose you have to weigh up just how uncomfortable it would make you against dh's potential upset or resentment if you say no. You are feeling angry, raw and protective towards your baby but would it still trouble you as much in a few years time when you are just getting on with the business of family life?

If the answer to this is yes, and you can't do it, then you are going to have to say to your dh that you would find it too upsetting, and you wish you didn't, but you can't help how you feel. If this is the case then dh should accept it, because you've been through a difficult time too.