to think I'm a crap mum?

[mrsmindcontrol]

Have 3 DS, aged 4,3 and 11 weeks. Suspect DS1 has ADHD. He is VERY challenging and I have a hideously short temper.

I spend all my time screaming at them and letting them watch too much TV and realised today that I actually avoid engaging with them as much as possible as all situations tend to end in fighting whilst I try to juggle feeding the baby and getting him to sleep.

Today I had a meltdown after a bad night with the baby and sat and cried for a long time infront of the boys. I want to be a good mum but can't control my temper with them. I'm so scared of turning into my mum who was vile to me and continues to be pretty vile to my own kids.

But, I'm just too tired of the screaming and fighting to make things better and even if I had the energy, I don't know where to start .

AIBU to think I'm just destined to be a crap mum?

Yes YABU - you don't sound crap, just knackered trying to look after 3 dc's under 5 (I take my hat off to you, I struggle with my one 10 mo dd).

Do you have anyone that can look after the dc's for a couple of hours so you can get out the house and breathe.

Also phone you HV on Monday, they might be able to come and see you and help you find some techniques to help feel like you are managing better or refer you to someone who can help.

Repeat after me "I am not a crap mum, i'm knackered and probably need a rest and a cuppa, but i'm not crap".

Of course you're not - being a mum is hard work even at the best of times! Don't beat yourself up especially as your youngest is only 11 weeks!
Is your partner good at supporting you & do you have family nearby who could give you a break?

Having three DC of those ages is bound to be fucking hard work.

The fact that you've noticed you might be struggling a bit to keep your head above water is good, because that's when you can do something about it.

You obviously care about them a great deal or you wouldn't want to break the cycle of how you were treated by your mum.

You're not your mum, and I don't think you sound crap, everyone has difficult times it's very, very normal (especially the TV/juggling/trying to relax your mind for just-one-bloody-minute without someone asking for something!! )

you are not destined to be a crap mum, but you are having a tough time and could do with some support. Do you have a good HV or GP?

Who else is supporting you with such a young child and 2 other under 5?

You are not a crap mum because you recogise all is not well. That said, most mum's think they do something wrong wether its letting the kids watch too much TV.

Its not too late to make sure you have a better relationship with your kids than your mum did

No you are not destined to be a crap mum just because of yours.

My mum disowned me when I was 4 years old after abusing me for the first 4 years of my life. It has made me determined to be the complete opposite of her. Yes there are days when I think I must be like her if I snap at DS etc but I know that I couldn't hurt him.

You have an 11 week old baby. You will be sleep deprived and hormonal. If you think it is getting on top of you then go to the doctors. I had PND and it is nothing to be ashmed of if you did have it. 3 young children is a lot for anyone to cope with. Also your eldest may be reacting more to your mood rather than having ADHD. I find my DS's behaviour is soooo much worse when I am having a bad day and I am snappy and tired etc.

I think the fact that you are reflecting on all this shows that you are not a crap mum. I've only got one DC and I was a total mess when he was 11 weeks. I can't imagine how difficult it is with two more. Especially if DS1 has got ADHD. If you seriously suspect that he has, maybe you should get him checked out. ADHD isn't usually diagnosed until about 7years but there might be some behavioural stuff you can implement with a 4 year old.

Give yourself a break, I'm sure you are doing your best. Do you have an understanding DH, sibling or in-laws that can help out?

Thank you all. I know my mood definitely makes DS1's behaviour worse but that's not the whole story for him sadly. He is challenging in every environment. Infact he started school this week and I've already had a phone call from the head about a morning full of incidents in which he hurt a member of staff and tried to flee the school grounds .

My DH is supportive but he's only home in time to put the boys to bed in the evening and works all day Saturday. There is nobody else I can ask to have the boys to give me a break.

Feel like I should just suck it up. I chose to have 3 after all.

Have started to think about PND today though. May book GP appt on Monday.

You don't need to just 'suck it up' (a phrase I hate). There is support out there and you can get it. No point suffering because you chose to have 3 young DCs.

What about your local SureStart centre? I have found them to be very good. Doc app sounds like a good idea!

You are a lovely mum. You care what your children think of you, that says it all.

Please ask for more help. Three young kids is a lot of work for anyone. Wish I could help you out

mrsmindcontrol, my 3dc are bigger now but i still remember the tiredness, the helplessness and the panic that I would be as crap as my parents when I wanted to be a good mother..looking back I should have got more help (as others have suggested) and seen that I needed a break..be kind to yourself and know that you are doin more han one person can someimes cope with-good luck!

mrsmindcontrol i too have 3dc under 5, my eldest is 4.6 yrs and just started reception!

i could have written your post, i too get tred, stressed and snap and shout. having 3 of this age is very hard work and a 24 hour job. i often feel like all i can here is crying!

regarding your eldest he may be reacting to change - a new baby and school can be daunting. reassure him he is loved and give him plenty of hugs. a bedtime story can be a good way of catching a minute together.

when at my lowest after the birth of my dd2 age 9months, i felt like walking out of the door and not coming back. its not a nice place to be in.

in the end i got so desperate i escaped to the doctors and told them how i was feeling. i started on antidepressants and my lfe has changed so much! i have more patience and my dc make me smile again. i now enjoy spending time with them and dont see them just as a chore.

be kind to yourself and try to have some you time. you are doing an incrediably hard job bringng up 3 dcs so young! xxx

You can get help for ds1. Get him referred to the community paed via the GP. They can give you some advice about behaviour strategies.

You must be knackered to be dealing with possible ADHD and 2 little ones. Properly knackered.

Hope things improve for you soon.

DH is not keen on having DS1 assessed as he thinks he will grow out of his behaviour and doesn't want him labelled.

I don't agree. I spend more time with DS1 and with other children with whom to compare him to, to be pretty certain that his behaviour is atypical. Besides, I am the one who gets the phone call from the headmistress/looks from other parents/nasty comments from my mum about him.

BUT I am lacking in the energy to labour the point or take the necessary steps to set the wheels in motion.

I too could have written this. It's bloody hard bringing up children. Wish I had answers for you (and myself)