to want time alone?

[Gracie123]

I don't think I am, but maybe I am. What I'm really looking for is some advice on how to tactfully deal with a situation.

DH and I moved a long way from family (5 hour drive) when we first got married, in part for work - but in truth we only looked at the job because we wanted some distance.

Now we have two children, and so does my sister, and we have moved back to within an hours drive so that the cousins will now each other growing up.

Things have always been difficult with MiL, for various reasons, and DH did contemplate not accepting this job because he thought living so near to her would be stressful for us, but I convinced him that I could handle it and we would be fine.

Thing is, she has now changed her shifts at work so that she can work weekends and have wednesdays and thursdays off. This is because she says we are always to busy to spend time with her at weekends (we go to church for 1.5 hours on a sunday).

So she came over on wednesday, it wasn't very convenient, but as I was busy on thursday too I re-arranged some stuff to make time for her. As she is leaving she announces that she will usually just come on tuesday after work (about 6pm) and stay until thursday evening as it's easier than driving back and forth.

Thing is, I know this sounds really uncharitable, but we don't get on very well, DH works until midnight on tuesdays (so I would be on my own with her all evening) and we hae a 7 week old baby who I am still up at all hours of the night with. I need to get some sleep and tuesday is supposed to be my catch up night because DH is out. She always stays up until well passed midnight herself and I'm going to be exhausted trying to make polite conversation until DH gets home, and then getting up again 2 hours later with LO.

I also don't particularly want to commit 2 full days every week to entertaining her. We are new to the area and I want to try and get out to some toddler groups etc... so that I can meet people.

AIBU?

If not, how can I tactfully say that this arrangement doesn't work for me?

I'm popping out for a bit in about 10 minutes, so I'll read your (hopefully) insightful posts in about an hour.

Thanks for your help mumsnetters!

Bloody hell this is a difficult one!

I'm sure someone will have better advice but I think you need to be very clear before this starts happening that hell will freeze over you are not happy with this arrangement. Some people do need it very clearly spelled out to them.

Good luck

Forgot to say, you are definitely not being unreasonable! YADNBU

Even if I loved and totally got on with someone 100%, I would not want them camped out in my house for 2 days every week! Your DH needs to grab the bull by the horns and speak to her!

Thanks for your swift reply.

It's really hard to know when I'm being reasonable because the relationship is strained and I don't want to react out of bad feelings. It's good to know someone else would find this intrusive too!

Do not start this arrangement!!

The thought of having to do that every week would do my nut in. Even if it's not as bad as you expect then just the sheer dread of it happening would be enough.

YANBU for sure.

Explain that you do need time for yourself and can accommodate a visit (not a stay) once a week. Explain you'd like to make some friends and that you are sure she would understand.

Best of luck to you.

she has invited herself to spend tuesday early evening untill thursday evening at your house?? seriously?

yadnbu, your dh needs to talk to her and say a very firm NO.

your DH has to call her and tell her that she can't.
He doesn't have to say "Gracie doesn't like you" but he does have to make it clear that MIL is NOT going to be able to do this.
And he can't do it in a "Gracie asked me to call and tell you" way because that will damage your relationship with her further.
As to how he actually does it - very hard.

I'd be tempted to express complete disbelief that she is contemplating it.
Actually I think I would say "Mum, you must be joking, while we love to see you every couple of weeks/once a month/occasionally - you can not stay here for 2 days & nights on a weekly basis."

where is she planning on sleeping? does she have a bedroom at your house? did this come out of the blue or was it discussed before hand?

i am so shocked that someone would just invite themselves like this!

She just announced that she was going to do this? No please may I, would it be all right with you if... No acknowledgement that it was your house?

I'm beginning to see why you don't get on with her...

YADNBU You have a 7 week old baby FFS! She is being totally unfair especially as she must know you don't really get on. Tell her to fuck off rethink

"That doesn't work for us. It's difficult to commit to anything concrete for now so we'll have to go on a week by week basis. How about coffee next Thursday morning? I can't manage lunch next week."

Be firm about the Tuesday to Thursday thing. Offer a small compromise.

Cheeky mare.

Her, not you, obviously.

The thought of anyone staying with me on a weekly basis (or even a monthly one, if I'm honest) fills me with horror. what an appalling idea.

I agree with ChasingSquirrels and be tempted to laugh it off or have all the lights off/door locked when she arrived on a Tuesday!

How rude of her to announce this! Not uncharitable at all. If you really can't say no outright can you suggest a compromise of doing this once a month, as and when it is convenient for you.

What does your DH say on the matter?

Either way, even if she did stay I wouldn't expect to stay up till midnight with her. Go to bed, she'll soon get the hint, and certainly don't rearrange or miss groups etc. to suit her. This is your life.

Oh my goodness, I'm absolutely no use at this sort of situation so I won't offer anything helpful but just a big huge and tons of sympathy, I get on really well with DP's family but the idea of having anyone moving in every week fills me with utter horror.

I would probably move house or something.

Really hope you get it sorted. YADNBU. What has your DP said about it?

It is an insane suggestion! I am reading this thread like this:

Lots of good advice already - basically you just have to be tactful yet completely clear (don't offer her any wiggle room). I would say 'I'm afraid that arrangement won't be convenient, but it would be lovely to get together every now and then for a coffee so you can spend some time with the children.'

Don't feel you have to explain or justify your reasons - if you do that, you give her a chance to come up with counter-arguments. But you can just be perfectly pleasant - even sound regretful - in simply saying that it isn't on, what a shame.

And then look for a new job on a different continent...

NOoooooooooooooooooooo!!! I would just tell her no way! There is just no way I would be able o cope with this. Ypu just have to be honest with her. Wethers she falls out with you or not it doesn't matter because having a 7 week old baby , you need time alone, time alone with your baby and time to sleep!!! Really just tell her NO!!!

she wants to LIVE with you three days a week!!! that's nuts!

you cannot have that announced to you as a fait acompli..

you need to put your foot down now and say that you cannot have her moving in for half the week. it's not an option.

Years ago my MIl used to spend practically every spare moment she had camped out in my house. It got to the point where I would screen calls/pretend to be out because I just couldn't bear hours of her sat on my sofa/monopolising my baby.

I did have the conversation that you are dreading, when I said that I was feeling stifled and needed some space (I was younger then and hadn't learnt the fine art of being tactful). It had the desired result. Now my MIL comes round once a week for a few hours and it's mostly fine (although she does bring her new man with her, which I am not so happy about but know I am being a bit U, so haven't said anything - yet!)

My advice to you is to start as you mean to go on. Once you let her start this, you will find it extremely hard to stop it. I would just say that it's not convenient for her to stay over. If she pushes it, you will have to be blunt and tell her that you need your own space and that you are happy for her to visit on whatever day you decide between you. Try to be tactful, but remember that she hasn't been tactful towards you. She has informed you as if you have no say in your own house.

I feel for you. It's a horrible situation

Thanks for the advice. DH was shocked when I told him. Apparently she had suggested coming tuesday through Thursday this week and he'd said no because I looked exhausted and needed to rest. He hadn't realised she was suggesting it become a regular thing.

It is a little embarrassing because we do have a spare room, so its not like she'd be monopolising the living room in the mornings or anything.

I think I'll try and get DH to have a word. I know I should have said something straight away but I was too surprised. She just said it, then got in the car and drove off.

I just feel like it's a bit mean and sounds like I'm saying 'I don't have many friends yet, but I won't make any with you hanging around'. Which is true, but I need a nicer way of saying it!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

I don't think it's your job to say it - def one for Dh to handle - it is his mum. Think it would be nice if you could make time for her once a week, maybe she could stay one night every month, just for her convenience and to spend time with GC

Lol at animation response. That's how I feel, but I'm trying to overcome it!