To think that mum should stop being proud and hire one of these?

[poshsinglemum]

Mum has an aggressive tumour and will have to have chemo and radiotherapy shortly.

I think that she should hire a Macmillan cancer nurse as they are free, trained professionals who offer emotional and physical support.

She isn't open to the idea at the moment and yesterday she had a scare as she found a lump. I left work to be wigth her, so did my dad anmd she was rushed to hospital. Fortunately it was just an infection and not a tumour but if she had a nurse with her too she would have got the added reassurance from a cancer specialist. Dad and i had no idea what to do other than phone 999.

I know this sounds selfish but I am a single mum and I have to work and I can't give up work to look after mum full time although I will be there for her as much as possible.
I am worried about the impact that the chemo will have on me and dd too as mum will be very sick and I know we will be upset and I just feel that if she had a nurse we would all benefit. It dosn't mean I am going to abandon her but I just want her to have a carer who can dress wounds and administer drugs effectively.

Is she just in denial or scared that it will confirm that she is ill. she's being very brave.

We will all offer emotional support of course but it will help to have a neutral party who isn't so emotionally involved.

I think that sounds very sensible. The nurses have done brilliant jobs for many members of my family. Why don't you ring Macmillan and ask about how to talk to your mum about this? They will have come across this resistance zillions of times.

Strange forum to post the question in though!

I suspect you are right that she is scared to admit she is ill.

Have you tried asking her to consider it as a way of helping you and your father?

Does she have any friends who might offer additional support?
She may change her mind if/when her symptoms worsen.

I am sure Macmillan will be happy to take her on at any stage and at fairly short notice. Has your DM had any contact with her GP practice district nurses? They are the ones who will do dressings etc at home and usually work closely with Macmillan nurses.

I posted it here because I think mum thinks that I am being unreasonable to suggest it and I want reassurance that i am not!

Sorry, in which case, yanbu! As above, it's as much about support for those around her as well as for herself. It might be hard for her to see that at the moment though.

Try selling them to your mum along the 'expert advice' tack . They will be able to answer all her questions re her treatment etc ,which to be honest you and your father will be clueless about . Also reasure her that macmillan doesnt have to mean terminal , they look after people who have curative treatment too. Without prying ,is there a specialist nurse at your hospital for your mothers type of cancer ? there often are and they can be very helpful too . Whilst understanding your concerns re your work etc ,try to understand how utterly terrified your mother probably feels right now and as ive mentioned alot of people assume that macmillan nurses only work with the terminally ill ,which is probably what your mother is thnkng . If i were you i would ring them and have a chat and explain your own concerns

Firstly, so sorry about your mum.

Has another professional suggested that your mum should see a Macmillan nurse specifically? I'm just wondering, because there is often lots of support available for people going through cancer treatment other than Macmillan if you know how to access it.

If she's really against the idea of a Macmillan nurse, you could see if the District Nurse team associated with her GP practice could come and visit, with the proviso of letting her know what services are available to her and so she knows the team, in case she needs them during her chemo / radiotherapy. I work as a community nurse, and we are expected to provide emotional and physical support for people going through this as part of our service (partly because the macmillan service is so overstretched in the area i work in, partly because the district nurse team generally provide the day to day practical and emotional support, whereas a macmillan nurser would normally visit less often). It might be a way for you and your family to get the support you need, but without going against your mums wishes?

Hope the chemo / radiotherapy goes well.

Just re-read your post and wanted to add some more info. A Macmillan nurse will generally not be there to administer meds / change dressings etc. Things might be different in the area where you live, but it would be more normal that oral medication would be self-administered or assisted by a family member (anything other than oral meds would probably be administered by a nurse, but only likely to be visited by a registered nurse when that is necessary, not there constantly). Dressings would probably be changed by the district nurse or practice nurse when your mum is at home.

Also, unless your mum has specific needs, then it is unlikely that the NHS or Social Services would provide a full-time carer at home, so if you wanted that for her, it is likely that you would have to pay for that privately.

(Sorry, that's not meant to sound harsh, I just don't want you to have unrealistic expectations of what might be available, although I'm baseing what I say on the area I work in).

YABU - obviously you are rightly concerned for your mum, but essentially you want her to hire a nurse so that you don't have to worry and feel scared for her. Whatever you are feeling, she will be feeling a hundred times more scared and upset and right now she needs you to be there(however inconvenient it is - and of course it will be so hard as a working single mum) and to LISTEN to her , not tell her what she needs and thinks and feels, but listen to what she wants. sorry if that sounds harsh, but consider what she actually wants, not what you feel she wants or needs.

Sorry you are in this situation :(

In my experience with my own mother though (despite the alternative being for me to look after her in much the same circumstances as you) the harm in pushing her to accept professionals she didn't want did far more distress and harm than good.

Certainly persuade her as much as you can to try one but also try to find some way of accepting and dealing with whatever her final decision about that is.

Just to add having re-read title: again, in the case of my mum, I can understand her position because pride was all she had left.