To expect my ex to support his daughter?

[serafinacat]

Sorry for long post... Bit of background info, I left my abusive ex husband four years ago when dh was 5. He refused to work for a year leading up to that, leaving me to worry about keeping a roof over our heads and providing for our daughter. Since I left him he hasn't given me a penny for dh. There was a bit of equity in the house, but I split it 50/50 with him, even though I could have gone to court to get more, just because I wanted the whole thing over with so I could move on with my life. He told everyone (which got back to me via dh,) that mummy had run off with a big fat wallet. This was mainly because he is a twat, but also because I refused to pay off his debts (taken out whilst still married but without my permission) as to have done so would have left me and dh with nothing.

I spent my half of the money on rent and furnishings for my house (I paid 12 months up front)... he spent his on a narrowboat. This means that our daughter hasn't got her own bedroom and either spends her visits with him on an unheated boat (not that much of a problem in summer, but so good an idea in winter), one of his exes, or at his parents house.

He was convicted of assaulting me so I don't have to see him, and his parents drop off and pick up dh.

I tried the csa a while ago but at the time he said he wasn't working so got away with paying nothing. As it happens he was working for his Dad and getting paid cash in hand, and living on a boat has it's advantages re being found. His parents have always defended him and no doubt see me as a bitch, despite me always behaving decently towards them, being fair and letting him see dh regularly, in spite of substantial provocation towards me. I do this because dh loves her dad and while he is a shit, he's still her dad and also because that's what he wanted me to do, so he could tell people that I stopped him seeing his daughter cos I'm a witch.

Now I've managed to move on with my life, am now married again and very happy but it still gets to me that he has never paid towards his daughter's upbringing. He is now working as a tattooist, as far as I know earning lots, enough in fact to recently buy... another fucking boat.

This is the final straw. I'm livid. Aibu to expect him to put his hand in his pocket and support his daughter? I have contacted the csa again but am not holding my breath. He's not stupid and will almost certainly be getting paid cash or will manage to weasel out of paying anything. What are the chances of them pinning him down? Any suggestions appreciated.

You're not being unreasonable in being furious about this and he is a selfish prick.
But - he's not going to change. You could continue pursuing him via the CSA if it doesn;t cost you too much in time or money (they are not that much use with determined aoiders) but try not to get into a battle that consumes you. As your DD gets older, she will realise what a prick he is and appreciate you more for everything you've done.

Of course YANBU. Unfortunately CSA have to accept the inland revenue's decision regarding how much he's earning.Might be worth reporting him for tax evasion hopefully this will force him to declare his income allowing CSA to claim money on your behalf.

www.hmrc.gov.uk/tax-evasion/index.htm

You could try again and emphasise the importance of it to DD's life and future self esteem, but I doubt it would work (although you could ask his parents to put pressure on him).

YADNBU. You are being the best mum that your daughter could hope for and in time she will see you for the strong, role model you are and him for the snide git he is.

Thanks for replies, your advice is appreciated. I've pretty much got my head around it in the last few years, hubby thinks I might as well let it go, which is why I posted, but for me it's more the fact that he is obviously bloody rolling in it, narrowboats don't come cheap!

Will keep on with the CSA and hope they manage to squeeze something out of him, and will possibly try the tax evasion route if I don't get anywhere. I'm just hoping DH sees him for what he is when she's older. For now she thinks he's superdad, but he's a misogynistic arse who may show his true colours to her in time. Thanks again!