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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my SIL she is a selfish cow

27 replies

nomedoit · 17/09/2010 19:40

Allright I am not actually going to use those words.

I'm British, live in the US, hubby is American as are his family. My SIL is my husband's sister.

SIL met a man three months ago. After six weeks she rented a house, moved in with him and announced they were getting married. She is besotted. Her Facebook profile photo is of him - just him, not them. She left her daughter, my niece by marriage, to live with my MIL. Niece is 18 and was supposed to start uni this month.

That didn't happen. SIL announced she couldn't pay for it which is rubbish because she is a nurse and nurses here, RN's, earn a lot. All her time, money and effort is now focused on this man who drinks a lot and talks about sex at the family reunion (oh, this is a saga but I will try to keep to the point...)

Niece was told by SIL (a) she would have to get a job and postpone going to uni until January 2011 when she could pay for it herself and (b) instead of going away to the uni of her choice which she had been led to believe she would go to, she would have to live with MIL and go to a much cheaper local community college. So now niece is working in an ice-cream shop.

I have got closer to her, we went to lunch, my niece says she feels totally abandoned and thinks her mother is insane to be getting married.

So, do I say something? I'm not sure niece is going to be able to even pay for this cheaper college just by working. I want to tell SIL to help out.

But, my husband says keep out of it. He thinks his family is very toxic. He has been very badly treated by his parents at times, as have all his siblings at one time or another with the exception of SIL who was the favourite. SIL will tell MIL and MIL will jump to her defence. MIL can get very, very nasty if criticised. Also, I suspect MIL has her own agenda and quite likes having my niece living with her to help her out. Recently MIL said to me that there was "no rush for niece to go to college at all". I think niece is MIL's next hostage; SIL used to live with MIL and FIL and now that she has moved out MIL wants a carer.

My husband is afraid that if I get involved I will get burned and then shunned. I don't really care if I am shunned. I suppose some of this is my stuff as well. My mother died when I was 15 and my father got remarried when I was 18 and after that didn't give a damn. I was left to fend for myself. I feel there is no-one to be an advocate for this girl. Please don't advise me to get my husband to speak up because he won't do that in a million years.

Is this actually any of my business at all?

OP posts:
ragged · 17/09/2010 19:45

Keep out! I can't believe that you are British and have to be told that. I am American -- we are famous for speaking our minds, but honestly, nothing good can come of it, even I as a dumb Yank can figure that one out. I know community college fees have gone out, but depending on what MIL wants for rent, the Niece should be able to make it work financially and use loans/grants/whatever to make up the rest in the long run.

Do what you can to help the niece out as best you can. That's the kindest thing you can do.

onceamai · 17/09/2010 19:46

If you take the girl under your wing now you had better be prepared to keep her there through thick or thin, with or without DH's appproval for the next 18 years. Give a thought to whether niece might be as manipulative as the rest of them. If they are that nasty why do you live in US instead of UK. Can't DH be persuaded.

Original poster
nomedoit · 17/09/2010 19:47

Ragged, you would get on with my husband like a house on fire! Since I came to the US I've got really mouthy and he's got the stiff upper lip...

OP posts:
Original poster
nomedoit · 17/09/2010 19:48

My husband's business is here and honestly we don;t see that much of them.

Yes, it did occur to me that I might end up paying and i can't afford to do that.

OP posts:
PurpleCrazyHorse · 17/09/2010 19:49

Personally, I wouldn't confront the MIL or SIL however I would support the niece in any way I could. I'm not necessarily thinking financial support but maybe careers advice/work experience/researching uni sponsorship etc. Just being there as her aunt, really.

cupcakesandbunting · 17/09/2010 19:50

You're in a tricky situation but experience wouldctell me to keep out. Be there for your niece but SIL won't want to hear that she's being a dick and will
lash out.

aloiseb · 17/09/2010 20:04

I don't think you will be able to persuade any of the family to help your niece with her college course. Telling SIL to help out is not very likely to be effective, as it's evident that she has already decided not to support her through college.

I wonder why this is? Perhaps she knows more about how your niece is likely to get on in life? Maybe she feels it's time she stood on her own feet, having spent 18 years of bringing her up in you don't really know what circumstances....Also it sounds a bit conspiracy-ish to suspect that niece is being lined up to be the next MIL-carer. Doesn't niece have any say in that matter? If she really can't think of a way to talk herself out of that one - if she doesn't want to do it - what is she doing going to college?

It seems to me from what you say that she hasn't shown much motivation to go to college. Does she have a great career ahead of her, if she is prepared to allow herself to drift from ice cream shop worker to carer without doing anything about her own future? I may be doing her a disservice, but you didn't mention anything except that she "had been led to believe" that she would go to the expensive college.

I think you probably are seeing yourself as an 18 year old all over again, and it must be very uncomfortable. But unless you are in a position to help niece yourself - practically, or fanancially - maybe it would be better to steer clear. The family do sound very toxic, but it's really got to be up to niece whether she becomes a victim.

FakePlasticTrees · 17/09/2010 20:17

What about your DN's father? I'm assuming he's not arround, but would he contribute to his DD's education?

What about scholarships etc? I would think at 18, if she's been lead to believe her mother would just pay, she might not have done any research or know where to get information from.

And just be there for her. But don't start lecturing your SIL, it's not your place.

Pancakeflipper · 17/09/2010 20:21

Keep out. You husband knows his family. You will become the cow if you speak out.

But do provide a shoulder for the niece to be able to cry on. She's going to need it.

Original poster
nomedoit · 17/09/2010 20:22

Fake - Dad's in prison...

aloiseb - I think my niece is immature but not entitled. She's worked at baby-sitting jobs etc. I think in theory she has a say in the matter but in practice, when you grow up in that type of family, it's really hard to have perspective and think for yourself. Yes, it does sound conspiracy-like but MIL is all about herself and it is the case that she's pushing against niece starting uni. I suppose I feel I am the voice of sanity but we all think we're sane...

OP posts:
Squitten · 17/09/2010 20:23

Unfortunately, it is your SIL's decision as to what she pays towards her daughter's education and there isn't a lot that anyone can do about it. If your DN feels let down, then that's an issue that she will have to resolve (or not) with her mother.

Just be there for your DN to talk to but stay out of it...

Original poster
nomedoit · 17/09/2010 20:25

Oh God, this sounds like something from Jerry Springer...

OP posts:
carriedababi · 17/09/2010 20:29

yabu to live in the us instead of the uk!

joke!

mumeeee · 17/09/2010 22:14

I was going to say hasn't your niece applied for a student loan but then I saw that you live in the US. I would support your niece as much as possible, Is there anyway you or another member of the family pay her uni fees. Perhaps lend her the money until she has finished uni. Do students get anykind of loan or grant for uni in the states?

newwave · 17/09/2010 22:24

Support her all the way, whatever the rights or wrongs regarding your Neice her mother is a selfish cow. It will also be good to have an ally in the "enemies" camp just dont slag of any of the in laws in front of her or it may come back on you.

cumfy · 17/09/2010 22:38

nomedoit, where were niece+SIL prior to the move ?
Why didn't he move in with them ?

AnxiousLand · 17/09/2010 23:31

mind your own business - you are not getting the full story! concentrate on your own children as it will backfire

musicmadness · 17/09/2010 23:36

I'd support your niece, if she really wanted to go to college she will need a shoulder to cry on. I know how important university is to me and if my mother had told me that she would pay then suddenly turned round and said no after the opportunity for other funding had gone I am not sure I would ever trust my mother again.
Unfortunately I am not sure what else you an do for your niece apart from be there for her, unless there is someone else in the family who can lend her the money.

aloiseb · 17/09/2010 23:43

nomedoit, I do feel for you, and I hope that you manage to keep some sanity in the family for the sake of your niece...I think all you can do is be there for her.

Best of luck, and I hope she gets to college one way or another.

Original poster
nomedoit · 18/09/2010 02:57

cumfy - SIL and niece were living with MIL and FIL. SIL moved out to live with the new boyfriend, leaving niece behind. SIL actually rented a one-bedroom place.

I think I should defend my niece on the ice-cream job btw. There isn't much else for some aged 18 with no further education except retail jobs.

I feel that she has really been abandoned by her mother and that it could end up with her not going to uni at all. It is fair to say that she has to take up the fight for herself and maybe my role should be to support.

I also know that some of this is my stuff about my past. I just feel at 18 you don't know much and it's hard to turn your life around on your own.

OP posts:
pluperfect · 18/09/2010 11:02

Good for your niece, starting work. As far as I understand, kids in the US know university is expensive, and many do work to get themselves to it and through it. However, your DN hasn't had that head start.

I haven't anything practical to add about grants, loans, scholarships, etc., but do think it would be best for her to get as far away as possible from her family, so encourage her to set her sights on a college further away, or on sharing a flat with college friends once she gets in.

Your SIL and ILs in general sound nuts and vicious with it, so until your DN is out of the way, it would probably be better not to antagonise them. Otherwise, DN may find "rent" being demanded, and other obstacles being put in her way...

cumfy · 18/09/2010 11:58

But, my husband says keep out of it. He thinks his family is very toxic.

Unfortunately, he may well be right.

If your niece has a place, is there no chance that there are hardship funds, grants, awards etc ? I would pursue this route very hard.

RunawayWife · 18/09/2010 12:11

Your poor niece,

Yes your SIL is a selfish bitch, and clearly a bit simple as well, just make sure when it crashes and burns all around her you leave her to it and offer no help.

Your niece is lucky to have someone who cares.

brassband · 18/09/2010 13:56

FGS keep out of it.I don't think you know the full story.she isn't even your blood relatibe, but your DHs and he wants nothing to do with it.i think yiu have to respect his wishes on this one.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 18/09/2010 17:39

i dont really get the problem, shes 18, thats an adult isnt it? or is it very different there? i had a mortgage when i was 18, couldnt imagine needing my parents so much by that age. I think ive been misled, I might give my dad a bell and tell him he owes me some Grin