Should I expect DF to "babysit".

[theredhen]

DF and I live together. I have 1 DS from previous relationship (aged 12). DS lives with us most of the time except when he visits his Dad.

DF has 4 DC, who live with us 2/3 days per week.

This weekend, we will be having DF's children here, but DS was due to visit his Dad.

I planned a girly lunch and visit to the cinema with a friend on Sunday. Really looking forward to it. DF will be taking his DS to football and 1 DD will be at a friends and the other 2 will either be with his parents or will go along with him. They will be home by midday at the latest.

Unfortunately my ex has now let me down with regards to having my son this weekend.

Having told DF this, he has not volunteered to "look after" my son while I stil go out with a friend and has said "it's a shame that I have to change my plans because of my ex".

Bearing in mind that quite often I will have his children while he is off out at work or taking one of the other to friends or a club etc., I also take them to school and to clubs (although he doesn't "expect" it) and also the fact that DF goes out with his mates (when his kids aren't around) a couple of times a month. I haven't been out once on my own since I moved in in June.

DF is very good and does pick DS up from school regularly (we live in the sticks) when I'm at work, and quite often, when I am not. He helps round the house and is always around for mealtimes, bedtimes when his kids are here.

DF has now suggested that us and the chidlren go out to lunch on Sunday and as I have had to cancel my plans or he has suggested that I take DS to the pictures with me.

AIBU to expect him to offer to have DS?

Hear hear Laurie.

redhen, do you honestly think he will make any more of an effort when he has actually married you?

The answer to that is a shrieking NO!

Once we marry them, petty selfish men like your supposed 'F', all negotiation power vanishes, we are hooked trapped and powerless - they know this and will take liberties. Trust me.

He has 4DC and won't have your DS? believe me, better to be single than stuck with a selfish pig like this.

You were perfectly within your rights to ask him to let you know in advance when he is planning to have his 4DC over. If he is punishing you for that, believe me, you better put Mumsnet/relationships on your bookmarks, cos you are going to be a regular!

ditch him

I think you need to Sit Down and Have a Serious Talk about this. Already you have fallen into the trap of thinking he is a good father/partner. You say he is around for mealtimes and bedtimes when his children are there. I should blimmin' well think so!

Don't marry this guy.

Calm the fuck down everybody.

How can you possibly say "don't marry him"? What do you know about their relationship? One single thing, which could easily be sorted out through proper communication, or even counselling.

Are you all saying you've never acted selfishly or stupidly?

I think people mean that the OP shouldn't marry him without resolving the whole issue. It's not really a little thing if a man acts as if he is doing his fiancee a 'favour' by looking her DC, whilst expecting her to look after all 4 of his. The OP felt punished by her F because she asked to be consulted before he made plans. I think when you are joining two families it is really important to iron out all the potential issues first, so things are smooth for the DCs. This situation is an indicator that all is not 100% well as the OP is now feeling guilty and this shouldn't be the case at all.

If one person is doing more of the 'giving' in a relationship, it doesn't bode well.

Karma, you're right of course that "the OP shouldn't marry him without resolving the whole issue".

But that's not the extent of what some posters are saying.

"I think he is making a point to me."

Yes he is. But I think you should also pay attention to the point that he doesn't realise he is making. As has been said by others, this is something you need to resolve before committing to marriage.

Yes, we will certainly be having a discussion about this.

I'm not sure which is worse - him proving a point which means he wouldn't have behaved like this normally, or if he genuinely thinks it's OK for me to be home alone with his children but it's not OK to do the same with mine even though he lives with us all the time and he is only 1.

I've been up since 6.30 with all the children resolving fights between his children etc. on my own while he is out. If I'd been on my own with DS he wouldn't even been awake at this time on a Saturday. Normally I wouldn't think twice about it, but today, for some reason, I am.

Yes, I work 4.5 days per week.

Geekof has it - the weird thing here is that anyone thought plans needed to be changed because a 12 year old will be at home when it was thought he would be out.

I don't think DF's comment was any weirder than your failure to just say what you were thinking.

I also think the assumption that the whole family should act as if you are a couple with five children from the first day you move in together is bonkers. Surely that is something that will happen gradually over time, not something you enforce on everyone?

You seem very resentful if him, although nothing you've described really justifies it.

Can I be nosey and ask why his relationship with his ex split up? That might give you some clues to his future behaviour

Can I ask what discussions you have had about how your family (including all children) is going to work after you are married, or even now you live together?

I saw a programme recently about couples who were marrying and all had steps kids, its was called step kid dont ruin my wedding' there was actually a woman who had said she was not prepared to be a mother to her husband to be's children So what part do the two of you see each other playing? Its sounds like you have very different ideas.

I saw that too. Wasn't she the woman who banned her fiances DD from attending the wedding because she didn't want to be a bridesmaid? She sounded like she wanted to have her cake and eat it, as she wanted total acceptance from her step children but no responsibility towards them. Couldn't understand why the man was marrying a woman who was essentially making him chhose between her and his DD. Felt very sorry for the girls involved.

We've had discussions albeit fairly vague ones about discipline and parenting etc. Generally everything is OK. DF does help out a lot and we share the care of all the children.

I made it very clear long before I moved in that I am not going to be looking after 5 kids for days at a time on my own - we will share the parenting of all our children. That's why I don't expect him to ask me to look after his children for a few hours and vice versa.

His relationship with his wife split because she had an affair.

I have heard the reasons why she says she felt the need to have an affair and very few of which I can see evidence of in my DF.

Karma - I truly believe he will regret marrying her. Yes her step daughter was not allowed to attend as she was brave eough to say she didnt want t be a bridesmaid.

OP your last post doesnt saound like it is written by the same person who started this thread. If all of this is the case how has this situation occured?

LoveBeing.

I have no idea how this situation has occurred. I was completely gobsmacked when he expected me to change my plans.

I honestly thought I was being polite and running the situation past him and thought he would say that "it makes no difference to me to have DS there" and he would gladly have him so I could go out. Especially as I've had all or most of the children for 11 hours on my own this weekend (this weekend, have counted! while he has been out. I don't insist he takes all his kids out to work with him (which he did before he met me) or insist that everytime he runs one to a club, he takes all "his" children. But I feel that is what he was saying to me.

I feel like he was saying that I can never go out unless my DS is at his Dad's.

Yesterday, he even offered to take "the girls" (aged 7 and 13) with him to football this morning, if I wanted to go out early with my friend. This meant that he would have left DS on his own at home. Not a problem practically, but why would he leave him out like that? I think he thought he was offering to be helpful by taking responsibility for "his" children!

I haven't had a chance to talk to him yet. The kids are always around and he fell asleep last night even before they were in bed. Hopefully, tomorrow evening we can talk about it or maybe tonight if either of us has enough energy.

Please don't just let this go. Something very important has been highlighted here, almost by accident. If your DSs dad had been able to have him, you might not have realised that this is an issue until after you were married.

This is just an impression from a snap shot into your life but it does come across here as if your DF is using you. It is very convenient for him to leave all his children with you while he works/goes out, but he is making a very definite point about not being responsible for your DS. Does he generally expect childcare to be the womans role, whether the children are hers or not. Certainly, he seems to be taking you for granted.

I may have read it wrong, but you do need to iron this out now. It wouldn't be right for your child to feel excluded by your DF or for you to find yourself responsible for all the children while their dad goes about his life. You are meant to be a life partner, not a nanny.

karmabeliever,

Thank you. I am certainly not going to let this go. I am hoping he is just having trouble adjusting and not really thinking. It's hard to go from "my" children to "our" children.

I struggle with it sometimes. I am only used to 1 child, so I really feel that I am spread thin, when I have all the children and don't feel confident enough yet to take them all out at once on my own.

But I really believe if we are to move this forward, we really have to be aiming for the goal of being one big family, certainly when his children are here. And for him to be a positive influence on my son when his children aren't here. I thought one of the advantages of being a couple was that I didn't have to worry about childcare as much.

And as for the wedding. Nothing is booked and it won't be until I feel comfortable that everything is going in the right direction.

Hope it all works out for you.

Well, we had a chat last night and he says he just didn't "think". He was happy for me to go out and it made no difference to him that my DS stayed with him.

So all is well.

Although I think the fact that his "default" reaction was that he is "your son, your responsibility" says something about our family set up. Especially as he is more than happy to leave his children with me without even considering how I might feel.

I hope, given time, he will think differently.

Good to hear you have aired this with him.

Now that you are aware and he knows you're concerned about the set up, here's hoping that with a bit of guidance and a great big stick you'll be able to achieve a more equal and supportive set up!

Also glad to hear it's been sorted.