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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset by having my holiday hijacked?

26 replies

GeorgetteHeyer · 17/09/2010 11:32

Apologies for the length of this one, but didn't want to drip feed...

My DB and SIL moved to New Zealand last October, and my niece was born on Sunday. I'm really pleased for them, and looking forward to meeting her.

My parents went out to visit them in January, her parents have been out twice but for flying visits en route elsewhere (they travel a lot with work so get lots of air miles). Her parents are going out in November and December, and mine were due to go in January.

I've been scrimping and saving for a year to go out there and finally booked my flight last month. I'm going in February for 3 weeks, and have lots of plans to stay overnight and do a bit of travelling elsewhere so everything is staggered and managable for them (all this is with their knowledge and approval - I'm very close to them).

Last night I got an email from my DB to say 'Isn't it great, mum and dad are coming out so they overlap with you, we can all have a family holiday'. I was a bit Hmm, but thought 'Ok, a week or so, it'll be fine'

Turns out it's for 12 days, and my mum says 'us being able to have a family holiday makes up for not being able to see the baby for so long'. I was a bit upset, but rationalised that he's got other things on his mind that 12 days isn't so bad, really...I do get on with my mum (most of the time).

This morning I got an email from SIL's brother to say 'Hey, isn't it great, we spoke to New Zealand last night, and we're coming over just after your parents leave and we'll be there whilst you are. We knew you wouldn't mind so we booked it.' Shock

I checked the dates and this means I get less than 24 hours with my DB and SIL, the rest of the time other people will be there. I'm really hacked off at the assumption that I'll be fine with it, I'm not, I wanted that time with my DB and his family.

I'm not meaning to come across as totally selfish, but AIBU? Just feel like my whole time with them has been hijacked.

OP posts:
zisforzebra · 17/09/2010 11:37

Nope. YANBU. You're being selfish either, just disappointed. Hope you can get something worked out.

fedupofnamechanging · 17/09/2010 11:37

I don't think you can do anything about this without upsetting all of your family. I also think that it sounds as if your brother is very happy about having all his family in one place - must be hard for him to be so far away when he wants to share the excitement of having a baby. Your family do sound lovely and close, so I would try to focus on the positives otherwise it will ruin your holiday.

It is annoying and upsetting when people hijack your plans and don't even discuss it with you first, but they clearly love you a lot or they wouldn't want to spend all this time with you.

zisforzebra · 17/09/2010 11:39

Sorry, that should be been not being selfish!

NordicPrincess · 17/09/2010 11:40

see id say to your brother that you were really hoping to spend some time alone with him as youve spent so long saving to come and see him. they can always switch flights.

Original poster
GeorgetteHeyer · 17/09/2010 11:41

Thnks Zebra, I will try to do so without causing huge family ructions.

I think my problem is I end up always being the one who compromises on this sort of thing, but this time I'm determined to put my foot down (in a very non-confrontational, you've just had a new baby so I know I'm not high on the priority list) way

OP posts:
tattycoram · 17/09/2010 11:42

I agree with Nordic, I would say something I think (can relate to this a bit as BIL and family are in Australia, and if we were ever to go it would be at huge expense and a big deal for us)

Original poster
GeorgetteHeyer · 17/09/2010 11:47

Karma - thank you, I hadn't thought about it like that. But I would like to do what Nordic says too.

Will sleep on it before I say anything. Another 24 hours won't hurt, and I may calm down and being able to do it without blurting out 'but I should come first!' Wink

OP posts:
diddl · 17/09/2010 12:23

Will everyone be staying with your brother?

If so, isn´t it up to him who goes when?

Also, if he is going to have time off then from his point of view it perhaps makes sense to have as many visitors as possible.

I feel for you though-I´m visiting my sister & she has invited our Dad over at the same time which pissed me off-but I was roundly told on here that she can invite who she likes when she likes.

Which is true of course.

Although I will be with my family & told her not to have time off as we could catch up in the evening.

She does get a day off midweek that I was hoping we could spend together-just the two of us-& I now won´t get thatSad

StreathamHillary · 17/09/2010 12:30

I can completely understand why you are so disappointed, and frustrated.

But you can't very well ask anyone else to change their flights - could you put yours back or forward a bit?

And make sure your itinerary for travelling around the country doesn't rob you of any 'aunty time'.

Try not to make your DB and SIL feel fought over or awkward, in truth the reality may be fine, especiall if all the other parties are planning to travel around a bit too.

Cartoose · 17/09/2010 12:50

YANBU, although you can't really do anything about it as you need to be diplomatic. A very similar thing happened to me recently when our very expensive OS trip to visit relatives was hijacked (by a very pushy, loud person). Don't want to go into the details on here but you have my sympathies.

Laquitar · 17/09/2010 12:52

Sorry but YABU.

When you live abroad-like your brother-you can end up running a hotel all year around. One person leaves, next one comes, you have to repeat the proccess (airport pick up, meals, tourist attractions). It can be very tiring. It is easier to have the guests together.

potplant · 17/09/2010 13:08

You have my sympathies - have narrowly avoided a complete hijack of my £££ holiday abroad by ILs next summer.

Unfortunately you have to either change your plans or suck it up.

Original poster
GeorgetteHeyer · 17/09/2010 13:30

Thanks for all the points of view, I will take them on board and be careful about how I deal with this.

Unfortunately I can't move my flights as it's too expensive to do so, I got them on a special deal. Yes, everyone will be staying with them - I am the only one who has offered to pay / do the shopping / cook and take them out in return though! Although my parents will do so, they've just not said it outright.

I take your point Laquitar, but they've only had 2 visits so far, but I will bear your point in mind.

OP posts:
diddl · 17/09/2010 13:37

Well if everyone will be staying with them then I think you are pretty stuck-unless you specifically asked for time alone with them.

Original poster
GeorgetteHeyer · 17/09/2010 14:12

I'll see what he has to say this weekend when we talk - I did ask for time just us (we're really close) and just feel a bit walked over.

But hey, I'll get over it. Whatever happens, it will be a lovely bootcamp holiday, I won't let how I feel about this spoil it for me or them.

OP posts:
helibee · 17/09/2010 20:44

this is hard, i can understand how you feel and wanting time together with your brother. I am very close with my family and dh's family and we often do things together and arrange to go away (the whole extended family, sometimes with db's in laws too Grin) i know this isnt for everyone though.

Could you arrange for everyone to go on a day trip so you could spend some quality time with your brother and his wee family?

You may surpsise yourself and find that you love it with everyone there Grin

SixtyFootDoll · 17/09/2010 20:49

Sorry YABU
If you are all staying woth your brother then it is up to them who stays there and when.

orienteerer · 17/09/2010 20:51

You have my sympathy but YABU

RunawayWife · 17/09/2010 20:55

Can you change the dates of your holiday?

alicet · 17/09/2010 22:31

YANBU. My sister lives in NZ and if I had saved but like you to have some quality time together I would totally resent anyone who got in the way!

I think you need to say something. Doesn't need to be pissy or make things difficult for your brother but just ask if he would be OK if you asked parents / sil to change their flights as you are disappointed that you won't get any 1 on 1 time.

Or speak to sil who texted you and ask if they have actually booked tickets yet as they may not have and just talked about it so if you get in there quickly you might still be able to influence it

alicet · 17/09/2010 22:33

OK I meant sil's brother not sil in my last post - didn't read op properly!

Firawla · 17/09/2010 22:58

are you sure they dont want to have people staying overlapping so that they dont have their house full of people week after week with you coming for a few weeks, then someone else, then someone else, if i understand it correctly then their house would be full for almost like 2 months if people don't overlap? are you sure your sil does not want it like this, maybe she has said it will be better?
you see a lot of people on here even saying they dont want to have any house guests at all with a new baby, perhaps she is not keen on a constant stream one after the other and rather just have all together?

taintedpaint · 17/09/2010 23:11

YANBU to be upset. I would be too. I think it's the assumption that you'd be okay with the 'hijack' that is the main issue here. They shouldn't have assumed you would be fine with it. It is ultimately up to the hosts, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't have had some kind of say in the matter, even if it was just out of courtesy. After all, this is your holiday too. By all means, have a word (not sure who with though), but don't expect much to change now.

Original poster
GeorgetteHeyer · 18/09/2010 11:43

Quick update, I had a chat with both my DB and my SIL this morning.

They said they'd been too hasty and apologised (without me saying anything).

We've agreed my parents will stay as planned and overlap, but her brother will move his flights by a week (he apparently hasn't booked them yet) so I get to have some time with everyone without appearing to be a complete cow.

It's a compromise but at least this way no one has fallen out - and your wise words definitely helped, so thanks everyone.

OP posts:
tattycoram · 18/09/2010 11:55

oh, that's brilliant news

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