about brother's invitation to three separate wedding events I'll have to travel to?

[JaneS]

My DB is getting married, which is lovely. His fiancee is German, and both of them are quite quiet people so the actual wedding will be just immediate family. I think they think this means it's very low-key, but they've just sent out an email inviting us to:

1. a pre-wedding party in Germany on 1st January.

2. the wedding itself, on the 11th in Germany (they're assuming we'll stay over if we come to the first party, even though they themselves have to leave the country for a few days). Apparently travel there is hard in winter, so we are 'strongly encouraged' to stay the night in a particular castle they've found.

3. a post-wedding English celebration on the 15th.

Now, I am quite worried. My partner is Russian and in his religion, Christmas is on the 6/7th January, and his birthday falls on the first (the day of the first party). It looks as if, at this short notice, he won't be able to get a visa, so I may be doing all of this on my own. I don't want to stay in Germany for a week between two parties (let alone affording it), because I'll miss his Christmas and be away for his birthday.

I don't know if it's a bit silly to mind about missing DH's birthday for the first wedding party - thoughts?

To you, does this all sound like too much to ask? It won't be cheap to do all that flying out/travelling, and it is at a really awful time for me and DH. AIBU? I feel a bit selfish but I don't think my brother's thought this one through.

Why should he "think it through" because of you and your DP?

Its his wedding, you either go or you dont.

If it were me Id just o go the English one if travel plans and finances meant I couldnt go to the others. He is your brother, he will love to see you at any of them you can make it to.

But YABU with your "he hasnt thought this through" comment.

Yes it's an awful lot to ask. Just go to the wedding and the party in the UK.

"pre-wedding party" indeed. Surely the wedding is the party????

I really wouldn't have thought you need to go to the pre-wedding party do you? 11 days is a long time to be away. He might have thought that you would be upset not to be invited without really expecting you to be there for all that time.

My brother married a German girl too - that party has some sort of special name doesn't it, but iirc not everyone who goes to the party goes to the wedding, I think it has a slightly different function. Am sure someone more knowledgeable will be able to help.

I think that I would try and speak to my brother on the telephone and express my excitement at his wedding, and how lovely it is to be included in all of the celebrations. Then say that you won't be able to attend the pre-wedding party, for a number of reasons (which is true) but you will look forward to seeing photos/hearing all about it. And of course you will be there on the 11th and the 15th, in fact you may even come a day or two before the 11th to see them/family.

I guess if you can't get a visa for your dh then no one can solve that. But to just go for the actual wedding by yourself which would only involve 1-2 nights would probably be ok for you?

Jodies, I didn't really mean he should have thought of DH's religious stuff (that's why it's hard for me, that's all). I just meant I thought he hadn't thought through how three separate events would work. He's going away between the first two, but assumes we'll stay (in a hotel?) in Germany for ten days - to me, it doesn't sound quite thought through, I'm afraid.

BAFE - yeah, probably I will. The pre-wedding party is traditional in Germany and apparently very special and important.

I do love my brother and the thing is, he and his fiancee aren't at all attention-seeking, I think they just don't realize it's such a big ask.

Sorry, cross-posting.

Thanks tatty, that's good to know! I hope he won't mind if I don't go. He sent out a round robin email to the whole family and then mentioned that I would particularly enjoy that party though, so ... not sure.

I'm just sounding out my parents about it.

I'm trying to work out costs - if it's flight there and a couple of nights in a hotel, that won't be too bad will it?

They probably know that it will be hard for some guests, but it's not like they are not going to invite you because of that. I'd just o to the wedding and the party back here, and if your dh can't go, then be there for as little time as practically possible.

Sounds like it's going to be a very busy time of the year for you, but lots of fun!

I would fly out on the 9th or 10th Jan for the actual wedding. Yes, the pre wedding party may be an important part of the culture in Germany, but Christmas on the 6th is an important part of your DHs culture and I would want to be at home to celebrate it with him. Unfortunate that it clashes really. I'm sure your brother and SIl will understand that with guests coming from several countries, everyones culture/holiday time off etc will be different and they won't be offended if all their guests can't make every event.

I think it is a big ask to expect friends/family to fly out for pretty much a whole fortnight when the B & G are going away in the middle. It's a lot of holiday time to use up without your DH if he can't get a visa in time

Oh I see. Yes a three-party wedding is excessive in our culture, but clearly he has to consider his German fiancee's expectiatons for their big (three) days.

I would be honest and go to what you can manage to go to.

I'd say that the pre-wedding party is just for people in Germany. Think you are worrying about nothing.

It's really fairly commonplace these days to have a few wedding celebrations.

I don't understand why people get their knickers in a twist about it - go to the ones you want to/can afford to and don't go to the ones you can't!

My cousin had Greek wedding and week (!) in Greece with guests afterwards. Didn't go.

Wedding blessing in Devon. Didn't go.

London shindig. Did go.

Simples (sorry)

I would also expect that the pre-wedding party is for Germans, the UK party is for the Brits, and the main wedding is for everyone if they can get there, with the understanding that travel might be difficult so many people might only make one of the parties rather than the day itself.

Just say you would have loved to been able to attend the German party but are with dh's family for Christmas/his birthday & cannot be away from the UK that length of time(presuming you and dh work) , but are really looking forward to the wedding & UK shindig

Thanks. I think I will do what onepiece and others said, and tell him I'm really happy to have the invitation but can't make the first party.

I'm not great at opting out of stuff like this because my parents have a huge 'oooh, but it's family attitude. But on reflection and after this thread, I think you're right he won't mind as long as I say it nicely.

Thanks everyone.