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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to restrict ex's access to daughter?

24 replies

gabby69 · 17/09/2010 09:37

Hi all.
Have been seperated for about 6 months & originally agreed that ex would have our 4 year old daughter for 3 nights every week. He has now changed his job which means that our daughter is being looked after by her grandfather until he gets home from work. I find this really upsetting as I miss her terribly & we only live half a mile apart. I feel I should be looking after her until he finishes work. His dad, whilst not a bad father, is typical grandad - spoils her terribly & can't say no - which means she and I have problems when she comes home as mummy is 'mean' in comparison! I don't want to restrict her seeing her dad but she shouldn't be brought up by his dad. I think it's really annoyed me this week as the ex has been out drinking on 2 of the evenings he's had her so his dad has even babysat then. Why is he having this access if he can't be bothered to be with her?!

OP posts:
veyron · 17/09/2010 09:43

I have a similar problem with my ex and our DD. On his weekends (every other) He goes to football at about 12 on Saturday then goes to the pub afterward, getting home around 9 or 10pm. His live-in gf looks after my DD with her 4 kids. It annoys me as it is such a precious time and he spends it with his mates.

(my dd has also never had so many cases of nits either. she comes home smelling of wet dog and hasn't had a shower or even cleaned her teeth all weekend!)

ChippingIn · 17/09/2010 09:45

I can totally see your point and would feel that same as you do. However, you can't dictate who looks after her when he has her, anymore than he can dictate who looks after when and you have her - unless she is in any danger.

Maybe try talking to him and saying that you would rather she was with you if he is working or out and that if you need a babysitter you will ask him first as well.

You also need to ask him to talk to his Dad, because too much spoiling by Grandad is making her act like a little madam and tell him that she wont get far at school with that kind of attitude (make it about her and not about you).

Good Luck!

booyhoo · 17/09/2010 09:47

the going out drinking would be aproblem but teh grabdad babysitting is not. are you saying you never have anyone babysit her when you have her? you cannot dictate what childcare he arranges when she is in his care. it is his contact time and up to him to arrange his childcare. do you work? if so, does your ex have a right to tell you who looks after her while you are at work?

GypsyMoth · 17/09/2010 09:47

why do you think you have the right to restrict access? she is not your possesion

would you like your ex to put restrictions on your time with your dd? suppose you need to leave her with a friend,childminder,family member etc? you would then be open to the same scrutiny

totally his call who he leaves her with.....you missing her so much is your problem,no-one elses. and the courts,if it got there,would give you short shrift over this

sorry,but YABU

ChippingIn · 17/09/2010 09:47

Veyron have you tried asking him if he'd rather have her every Sunday instead (if that would suit you)?

mamatomany · 17/09/2010 09:49

Look at it as she is spending time with her grandparent, that is precious time not every child gets.

Original poster
gabby69 · 17/09/2010 09:49

I feel that he has her because he feels he should as that makes him a good dad. I would rather he had her less but valued the time with her. I have 3 children with another ex (there are only the 2 ex's I promise!!) and he has had our children for 3 nights a week for the last 7 years & relishes his time with them - I couldn't fault him really, although even he seems to struggle with making them clean their teeth :)

OP posts:
veyron · 17/09/2010 09:52

ChippingIn I have tried everything to make life easier for him. But he insists on the every other weekend thing. I thought maybe a saturday one week and a sunday the following week. but no he'd rather have her every other weekend (when he's not even there for half of it anyway) Not seeing her Dad every week is really hard for DD she is such a Daddy's girl bless her.

booyhoo · 17/09/2010 09:53

would it work better for him to have her on different days than he does at the minute? would it work fo ryou?

Original poster
gabby69 · 17/09/2010 09:56

To be fair to him, he chose these days to ensure that she got to spend a lot of time with her siblings, which I appreciate. I suppose I feel that he is going to regret letting his dad bring her up with me, which is how it appears. Granddad does everything from giving her breakfast to cooking her tea on the days she's with him.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 17/09/2010 09:57

YABU your dd is his daughter too, and its not like he is out on the lash leaving her with her grandfather, he needs a job to be able to support his daughter and in this current climate you beggars cant be choosers. Surely its nice for your dd to spend time with her grandad, unless he is putting her at risk. Just enjoy the time off imo.

NordicPrincess · 17/09/2010 10:00

if shes in bed anyway when he goes out drinking with his friends why is it an issue?

I wouldnt be so bothered about the grandfather looking after her either, dont all grandparents spoil their grandchildren? if the issue is she sees him so much that the spoiling is to frequent go and see her and draw out a plan for sweeties or whatever

booyhoo · 17/09/2010 10:00

it really is up to him at the end of the day. i mean, he has to work doesn't he? you can' criticize him for that, and for him to work he has to have childcare. it is the same if you have to work, you have to arrange childcare and i am sure no-one would tell you that you should let her be at her dad's if you are just going to leave her with someone else. i worked partime with my two boys, i had to, i would have hated if my ex had started saying i shouldn't be putting them in a creche because i should be relishing teh time with them. if i could have been SAHM then i would hav done, believe me, but i had to work. that doesn't mean i want to see my dcs any less. and it is good that he is arranging teh contact so she can see her siblings.

curlymama · 17/09/2010 10:01

I completely understand how you feel. I've been the 'mean Mummy' too, and it's not a nice feeling when all you want is what's best for your child. And I think you have a right to be concerned, consistency is good for children. It makes them feel secure knowing that all the adults that care for them, that they love and respect, share the same values.

I had a simelar situation with my 2 dc's but when I eventually got my ex to see sense, it has worked much better for the childen. I used to have the two days of bad behaviour every time they came back from their Dad's because 'Daddy lets us do that'. When we opened up the lines of communication enough to be able to discuss discipline and the like, the dc's knew their boundaries and knew that they wouldn't get away with anything they wanted because they knew they were going to Daddy's later and he would still let them have their computer time, even if I had taken it away from them for some reason. We follow through on these things together now.

But, he his her parent just as much as you are, and he does have the right to leave him with someone he sees as responsible when she is in his care. You need to work on him and get him to see that it will benefit your dd if you all come to an agreement. It does mean give and take though, and you wil have to accept that he may want to impose some of his ideas too, and you will have to follow them even if you don't always agree 100%. Hopefully if he sees that you are prepared to do this for the good of your dd, then he will too. It's not easy co parenting with someone you don't love, but it can be done.

booyhoo · 17/09/2010 10:02

can't criticise him for that

sunnydelight · 17/09/2010 10:06

YABU and controlling. Your child's father has every right to make choices while she is in his care; there is no suggestion that he is in any way an unfit parent - he may not be too chuffed with some of the choices you make but you would probably be up in arms if he wanted to restrict your access to her. If you want him to see her less because you miss her maybe you need to look at your own life.

lovingmomof3 · 17/09/2010 10:12

I would not be happy if my ex was leaving my 3 children with some stranger, but as its the grandparents that isnt soo bad. Perhaps you should try talking to the grandad and asking him to be a bit more disciplined with your daughter x

GypsyMoth · 17/09/2010 10:14

does grandad and dad all live together?

booyhoo · 17/09/2010 10:17

lovingmom, it is one child not 3 and it is not a stranger. and have you never used a CM or a creche? all these people are strangers to your chidlren when they first meet them.

FioFio · 17/09/2010 10:19

This reply has been deleted

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Onetoomanycornettos · 17/09/2010 10:24

I can see why you are a bit upset, you miss your daughter. However, actually, the fact that at the first sign of difficulties with childcare your ex didn't just hand your daughter back to you for more days a week, but found a solution and is making a family environment (him, his dad and her) is a very positive thing. I would not underestimate how positive a grandparent's influence can be, many of my friends (and indeed my own children) are cared for a couple of days a week by their granny or grandpa, and your ex might actually enjoy sharing care with his dad. I think this is entirely normal, indeed desirable. I'm sure your ex would rather be home earlier, or not work all the time, but he's stepped up to the mark finding a solution, even if he's not the 'perfect dad' in your eyes.

Onetoomanycornettos · 17/09/2010 10:26

And I do see it's annoying when grandad spoils her a bit, but all you can do is a) suck it up as she gets a lot of benefits of bondng with him and all carers have different styles of interaction or b) have a calm conversation with him about any aspect of her behaviour you would like him to address and try to work together. But my mum doesn't do everything the same as I do, my husband does things I would never think of doing, but I honestly think having three loving carers in a child's life is not a bad thing.

Original poster
gabby69 · 17/09/2010 11:21

Thank you all for your comments - I do appreciate the differing opinions and it has made me realise that I just need to chill a little bit about this!

OP posts:
mumeeee · 17/09/2010 22:36

YABU. He needs to work so arranges her grandfather to look after her, It's good that she is spending time with her grandfather

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