To not really want to see ex SIL again?

[stealthpony]

Please forgive me if this gets a bit long! Several years ago now my brother died in extremely tragic circumstances. At the time it was all a bit of a blur. I was very pushed out indeed as my parents and SIL (understandably)became very tight in those first few days and one thing that I've never forgotten is how I was ordered out my bro & SIL's house to wander around the streets for hours on my own with my DS (1 year at the time) because he was doing her head in. It was a truely awful experience and bizarrely enough I ended up sitting in a graveyard with DS as it was the only place I could be upset and no one stare at me!

Anyway 6 months after my bro died she started dating again and was having a great time of it. (chose to tell me how great it was shagging about and not my parents) So anyway, she's been seeing this one bloke for about 2 years now and they're getting married which is great because I'm glad she's finally managed to move on.

However last time I spoke to her she told me how wonderful her new bloke is, how he lets her do all the things my brother didn't, how he gets on with her family (my bro didn't get on too great with her family) and how she's never been so happy. She's always sucked off the nape of my parents yet bitches and moans about them to me alot saying how my entire family are mad etc etc.

My parents have done nothing but support her since he died and gone out their way to do anything she asks. We had a family get together earlier this summer and she made up an excuse not to come up to it because she dislikes my family so much (I know this because she told me but of course my parents are pretty oblivious)

Now I am completely happy to never have anything to do with her again. I've completely moved on like she has but she is coming to see my parents next month and my mum is trying to get me to see her. Ive told her I can't be done with it, I don't hate her or anything but I really can't be done with her anymore and wish to leave it at that. Mum reckons it'll be the last time we really see her anyway.

My mum clearly thinks she can work on me but am I BU to dig my heels in and finaly just say enough?

She sounds absolutely horrible but perhaps for your mother's sake you could make one last effort; your mother has lost her son and it must be hard for her to see her DIL but it sounds as though she (your mum) has been heroic at keeping in touch. I suggest you do see her, briefly, wish her well for the future and hopefully that will be the last time.

Seconding Ragwort. Do it for your Mum.

Since you've not let on to your mum why you don't get on with SIL, to avoid hurting her, I think she'll struggle to understand why you feel a need to say "enough" just before SIL is probably going to become more distant from your family anyway. You're clearly hurting about it all, but maybe it would be simpler to "suck it up" one last time, and then shake the dust off your feet as you leave?

I'm afraid I agree with the others. I would go along to keep your Mum happy ...

... I would get her alone, face to face, and tell her to get over herself and stay away from the family, without hurting your Mum, or else you will tell them all what she has been saying.

Well to complicate things a bit more, my mum had admitted that she was feeling the same way as me just a month or so back (more along the lines of that she'd moved on and was glad to have done so). She seemed pretty ok with it, but now it's like we'd never had this conversation!

Uuurgh families are such joyus fun. I hate pretending it's all "ok".

She sounds like a right cunt treasure. I would tell her to swivel but then I am a hard-faced cow.

The previous posters are right.

God you poor thing. What about YOUR grief in those awful, raw early days? She sounds ghastly.

I don't see why you have to see her? She is going to your mum's so it's not weird if you're not there. It doesn't have to be a big deal that you don't go.

Why don't you have a gentle but firm chat with your mum and say 'I wish her every happiness but to be honest it's best for me to let that relationship go, I find it too stressful/painful given all the memories. Myabe it's important for you to see her, but it's not the right thing for me'? You don't have to tell your mum everything and hurt her or anyone else.

Look out for yourself now.

I´m with proudnglad tbh.

She is seeing your mum.

You don´t need to be there, surely?

Why is she coming to see your Mum?

I suppose I don´t understand this as she has said she doesn´t like them.