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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that my mum is not being very helpful

21 replies

TheUnmentioned · 16/09/2010 12:48

I am 40+5 pregnant and going for a sweep later. Ds is 3y9m.

He is in a foul mood and threw a heavy and expensive toy after being told that if he did so it would be taken away.

The toy was taken away. He knows this is a consequence and usually accepts it pretty graciously and adjusts his behaviour.

My mum took him through to the kitchen and whispered 'ill get it back for you later' and now he is STILL crying and very upset because

a/ he has no conocept of what she means by 'later' (5 mins, 2 days etc)
b/ I have said he will not be getting it back and so he has now in my mind been punished twice but I have to stick to my guns.

My mum is here because I didnt sleep at all last night, I can hardly walk due to spd and she is here for a few hours (lives a distance away) so that I can go and have my sweep without taking ds because when I had one with him it was very painful.

I told her to stop saying she would get it back for him because it undermines me, she said it again and nwo says 9in front of him) that I am mean and its a crying shame and screws up her face and shakes her head if I challenge her on it.

I am hormonal and tired and sore so tell me, am I being unreasonable? Am I ? huh huh?

OP posts:

Sidge · 16/09/2010 12:51

Heck no YANBU

Original poster

TheUnmentioned · 16/09/2010 13:00

Thank-you! She is being a help I know by being here but she ALWAYS undermines me, always. It just confuses ds, the thing is I am not a strict parent so he knows when I say something I do mean it because I dotn constantly threaten.

Its just annoying because she'll cite today as one of the times she has helped me out and really sometimes I think Id have been better off dealing with it myself!!

(She is a very very good granny and mum and loves us all so much etc but just thinks she always know better and annoyingly doesnt undermine with my niece and nephew, I dont know if Its because Im the youngest but Im 29 now, not 13!!)

OP posts:

Rhian82 · 16/09/2010 13:02

YANBU at all, that's ridiculous that she thinks it's a good idea to undermine you and can't see that it's upsetting him more to get inconsistent messages.

quiddity · 16/09/2010 13:05

YANBU at all. Your mother is being very unhelpful and passive-aggressive towards you. So she thinks it's fine for your ds to throw stuff around, break it and possibly hurt people?

On the other hand, if this is a one-off and your mum doesn't babysit often it need not be a big deal even if it feels like one now.

Original poster

TheUnmentioned · 16/09/2010 13:05

Thats the thing inconsistency just makes him more upset!

Its like if he was doing something like, I dont know, crayoning on the wall or something she would say 'mummy wont want you doing that' rather than 'stop it right now' so that I am the bad guy and as if she clearly thinks Im being unreasonable not allowing him to do whatever the hell he pleases!

OP posts:

diddl · 16/09/2010 13:18

Unfortunately it sounds like the price you have to pay for having her help you.

I do think she´s wrong, but I also think that if you know she´s like this & still ask her for help, then there´s not much point in getting annoyed about it tbh.

MadAboutQuavers · 16/09/2010 13:20

YA definitely NBU

Can't you say to her

"I'm his mother, so I say what goes - end of story. You don't have to agree with it. And congratulations on making him even more upset by setting us off against each other"

She HAS to respect you, first and foremost

Blu · 16/09/2010 13:25

Hopefully when she gives it back while you are out he will hurl it at her shin. Then she'll be sorry

BuntyPenfold · 16/09/2010 14:07

YANBU and I don't know why she thinks it is her duty to undermine you.

Also I would have thought she could distinguish cross-didn't-get-own-way crying from real distress.
However, you need her today don't you.

I know exactly what you mean too; I had a nursery colleague who would say 'Don't do that or Bunty will be cross with you.' so that she was never the stern one. I could choke her easily, so I sympathise.

Good luck for later :)

comfort15 · 16/09/2010 14:23

I sympathise with you. My own mum is totally non interfering & supportive, but my mil is horrible to our children(they were left only once with her when young, after I discovered that she left them to cry when they hurt themselves-left out alone in their garden, because "they have to learn"(what they have to learn I don't know!).Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that at least she cares & loves your child.

ConnorTraceptive · 16/09/2010 14:37

I would say very loudly "It's very unkind of Granny to make you a promise that isn't going to happen."

ChippingIn · 16/09/2010 16:58

Say what MadAsQuavers said!

YANBU

On one hand, yeah, she's your Mum and she loves you both - you'll miss her when she's not there etc etc etc on the other hand if you don't iron out these problems she may end up under the veggie patch before her time!!

How did the sweep go??

Original poster

TheUnmentioned · 17/09/2010 21:33

Thanks and sorry for late reply.

Sweep was a waste of time, absolutely no effect at all :( 41 weeks tomorrow.

OP posts:

Animation · 17/09/2010 21:44

Are you 40 weeks and 5 days pregnant!! All the best - you've got a lot on your plate.

Your mum was wrong but don't let it get to you - you carry on doing things your way.

IMoveTheStars · 17/09/2010 21:49

TheUnmentioned - the sweep may not have been a waste of time, give it a couple of days :)

YANBU, your Mum shouldn't have undermined you like that, but at the moment try not to worry too much. I appreciate that your DS was upset and you made the situation worse but maybe she's indulging him in his last few days as an only (is he her only grandchild?)

MidnightsChild · 17/09/2010 21:50

TheUnmentioned, you have my heartfelt sympathy, I had the same thing with my mother and but lucky that my father supported my request.

However, as others have said, right now is probably not the best of time to have this chat. It sounds like the problem has been around for a while, so perhaps the solution could wait a little while?

I would make a note of this instance (and any others you can remember) but wait until you are in a better position to have a calm conversation with her. I've tried to have a difficult conversation when I was stressed and my Mum just didn't hear me. When I was in a better place and tried again, she did. The bottom line was that it was necessary for me to repeat myself and provide examples to clarify what I was saying and when I was stressed, I simply didn't have the patience to go through it all calmly until she understood.

Good luck - both with the new baby and with having the conversation.

Horton · 17/09/2010 22:00

Much sympathy from me, too. I've had the same kind of thing with MIL - when I asked her not to encourage DD to stick stickers on our coffee table, she screwed her face up and said 'well, Mummy didn't like our little game, what a pity'. She lives in a house that has been manicured within an inch of its life. If someone stuck stickers on her table she would go crazy but somehow it's my heinous fault that I prefer to point out to DD that sticking stickers on tables isn't actually appropriate behaviour (DD is four so perfectly capable of knowing that it's a bad idea, she just got carried away because MIL is a loon).

I think in your position, I'd try to grit my teeth and keep just saying politely 'Please don't make things worse by promising him things he can't have' or similar. And she is your mum, and you are enormously pregnant. I think it would actually be perfectly all right to cry and point out that she's making things really hard for you. Does she actually want to upset you or is she just being a bit thick?

Minxie1977 · 17/09/2010 22:12

YANBU - think it's dreadful she calls you mean to your own DS!

I had to have 3 sweeps (I went 42+2) but was 3rd time lucky - hope you can stay positive

lovely74 · 17/09/2010 22:17

I sympathise, my MIL does this all the time with my nephew and it's really annoying to watch. My DH reckons it's because grannys always want to be seen as the goodies, but when it undermines your discipline it's not fair.

Anenome · 17/09/2010 22:25

YANBU...Mothers can be as bad as In-Laws for this! But I suggest that at 40 plus weeks you are not allowed to absolve yourself from parenting and anything else that causes you stress!

Leave her to it...it wont do any long term damage to your set up.

Go to sleep or watch the telly...dont be near them! Let them do their weird nanny and child thing...you know..the one where kids are perfect and can have anything they want no matter what they do!

He's probably stressed about impending baby invasion too and she might be feeling sorry for him.

Forget them both for a bit!

Anenome · 17/09/2010 22:27

Whoops...I meant NOW allowed! Not "Not allowed"!

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