to think if they stopped the other kids being mean, there wouldn't be a problem ?

[Clumsymum]

DS's class (Y6) is apparently going to do dance for one of their PE sessions each week.

They will wear their PE kit, and be barefoot.

DS has odd feet, he was born with webbed skin between his toes (which is still there), and an extra big toe on each foot (he has surgery scars from when these were removed). His feet are wide too.

All thru school he has had trouble with other kids, either being repulsed by this, or teasing/bullying him because of it.

So he tries not to let the other kids see his feet. On Tuesday, for the first dance session, his teacher allowed him to wear his trainers (after a short discussion, which made DS very uncomfortable).
But when I went into school yesterday, I was asked to get him some plimsolls. Which would be fair enough, but because his feet are so wide, we can't buy him plimsolls. I have pointed this out every year in school, to explain why he has always had bloody expensive trainers, while all the other kids were in £1.99 plimsolls.
Apparently they are worried about another child being injured, if he steps on a bare foot in his trainers.

I can't help thinking that if school addressed the issue of accepting physical differences among the children, and put the tin lid on the bullying, it would be better for the children's long-term development, as well as for my DS.

YANBU. I can see the schools point, and it makes sense, but they could make it much easier for your son to be accepted the way he is. No child should be bullied for any reason, and if a school has a bulling policy that is always active and makes it an important part of the ethos of the school, there would not be a problem.

Yes I agree with you, it's the Bullyingteasing that needs sorting.

That's the whole point of an anti-bullying policy. No exp of this, but what if he had the opportunity to explain about his feet - why they are like that, why he had an operation etc and that it makes no difference to who he is and his talents etc. He's probably really good at dance?! Means whole class and teacher has to come clean about the issue and may make him even more self-conscious.

Has it not been an issue until year 6?

Agree - I loathe teasing, it is bullying under another name. (although I am the only person I know with really nice feet.)

I have been trying to get them to accept what happens since Y2.

DS has had behaviour problems in the past, and they put all sorts of strategies in place to help him to keep his temper.

Time and again DH and I pointed out that if they stopped the other kids from bullying, DS would be far less likely to fly off the handle.

Problem is that I'm disabled, and he's taken flak for that too

Of course the school does have a bullying policy. But they have seemed to consider the low-level constant teasing aimed at DS to be significant.
They do wonder tho why he struggles with wobbly self-esteem.

yanbu
100%

insignificant

That's so unfair and sad to hear it's since Y2. I think you can take issues to the governors and insist anti-bullying is acted upon, but I know it might not work (you know the school basically) and the school have had plenty of chances to sort it in the early stages. Good luck to you both.

Clumsymum - you can get soft soled very soft leather jazz dance shoes, which look like black lace ups here

they are certainly no worse than plimsoles if he stood on someone. The leather is way soft so i would expect they would be ok for wide feet esp as they are lace ups. Hope to help

Yanbu, they should take the opportunity to discuss similarities and differences between people. I hate the attitude that teasing like that is all part of the rough and tumble of school life: well it shouldn't be! Take comfort in the fact that your ds will be much more tolerant, mature and sensitive than a lot of the other children.

inkyfingers - I am a governor, and I have tried and tried. The only response we ever get is "children are like that", or "well, he is his own worst enemy, when he goes off at the deep-end, of course the children will tease him", even tho we have tried to explain that it's the original teasing that sends him "off at the deep end". Occasionally they will have a go at a child for it, but it soon starts up again, they won't let him play football with them, or make comments like "at least my mum isn't a crip".

Lunchtimes are worst, when the playground staff just tell him to take no notice and go and do something else. EVERY TIME.

HuckingFell, that sounds like a good idea, wheree can we get them??

Or another thought, CM, is verruca socks -- the sort you get for swimming pools. Non-slip soles, but otherwise look just socky (and he won't get verrucas!)

Has your son ever asked to have the excess skin removed?

I was teased a lot at school for having odd feet - toes joined together - and told I could swim faster and it wasn't fair .

I asked my mum about my toes and she said she could have had them separated when I was younger, but didn't think it was worth it. It would have been worth it to me!

No teasing/bullying at primary for me, but plenty at secondary.

I am very angry for you and your son - I think the school is not doing what they should be doing.
Socks a good idea, strategies for your DS's temper, why not, but this is basically a case of bullying which should be addressed as such. And as for the other kids making comments on your disability - teaching children that such behaviours are completely unacceptable should also be the school's duty (as well as their parents').

You can get jazz shoes from dance shops quite cheaply. I think they are the ones that HuckingFell means(they are dead comfy - I used to wear them for dance class/drama groups, and they are very unisex too).

Lancelottie - thanks, I've ordered some !

Werewolf - Ds won't consider any kind of surgery at the moment. When he was 5 and 6 he had to have surgery on an ear, and he hated the whole experience. And the plastics guy who we see about his feet advises leaving things as they are, unless it begins to give him actual medical problems.
Such are the problems of bullying at this primary school, that we are looking to put him into a small, very lovely private school which offers excellent pastoral care for secondary. I'll have to work harder to make the fees, but we can't put him into a huge impersonal comp, given that such behaviour is soooo rife even in a 300 child primary. I also got badly teased/bullied at a state comp, and was moved into a private school aged 13 because of it.

sc13 - thanks for your support

YANBU. If i were the teacher i would make all of the kids where trainers or plimsolls so your son didn't stand out and definitely make it clear to the kids that taunting was unacceptable

Clumsymum- fair enough.

I know you shouldn't have to and that the school should stamp out the bullying, but
I wonder if you or the class rep/a friend could suggest that the whole class wears either plimsolls or dance style shoes?

On the grounds that the kids won't end up verruca swapping.

YANBU

This is low level, consistent bullying. The school are not doing their job and implementing their bullying policy. Maybe they need to review it, and what they class as bullying.

My dd has just started school and will be doing pe in the hall in bare feet. I think it's awfully unhygienic personally (verruca's, athlete's foot ), and think the socks are a very good idea.

Huge sympathies, ClumsyMum.

There is no need f this and had the school dealt with it in any way effectively it wouldn't be an issue. I also see the cause and effect between your DS having been picked on originally without the back-up and support of the school.

DS has a small foot (a whole ray missing, on;ly 4 toes, and multiple scars from various orthopaedic operations). He has also had a long period of using a splint and / or big shoe raise - so fuel for the ignorant and unkind, whether he has shoes on or off.

His primary has a zero tolerance approach to name calling of any kind. They are not allowed to call each other 'stupid' or 'an idiot', let alone specific discriminatory stuff. And they do loads of work on valuing difference, tolerance etc. This is in an urban S London school, so it can be done. When there has been very occasional out of order stuff, the school have leapt on it. This has actually given DS the confidence to talk back assertively if anyone says anything out of order, or to simply ignore it, cnsidering it beneath his intelligence radar! This in turn has kept any comments to the minimum.

I would ask to see the SENCO, discuss the whole bullying and nclusion policy of the school, demand that they take it seriously about teasing in the area of physical difference, and talk with your DS about whether he would rather tough it out barefoot, or wear trainers.

He absolutely should not have to hide his feet, or any part of his body, nor should he need surgery just to appease the lowest common denominator. Can you give him a sense of this? I equipped DS with a series of things to say back to people who comment, anc coached him in it so that he can 'use his words' rather than getting upset or angry.

Your Ds is Yr 6, so late in your connection with the school, but could you suggest an active approach to tackling awareness within the school? DS's school has a disability action programme and have invited parents (me!) to be part of the working party.

Sorry - cause and effect between non-action bt the school and his tendency to spark off.

Blu, would you be able to share some of the DS's "words"?

Clumsymum, so sorry your DS is going through this . Sounds like the school really need to pull their socks up.

clumseymum have some unmumsnetty hugs for you and your ds {{{}}}

dd3 has extra skin on her ear and cheek. i considered surgery when she was younger, but talked myself out of it. so far she hasnt been teased but is only in year 1. i am dreading the day she gets teased about it (its very noticable when her hair is up). but for now, she loves her pixie ear.

Left to his own devices, in the park, he has been known to say "yes, I was born with a small foot, were you born with a small brain?" or "I was born like this, were you born with bad manners?" but I try to discourage this as rude / insulting.

"so what, I have a small foot, it doesn't affect you" "That's a very rude way to ask. If you are more polite, I'll explain why my foot is small" Sometimes he just shrugs and says 'so what?'

It's about 4 years since we did all this...I'll try to remember more!

Thanks for your support guys.

I will take the socks into school and talk to the class teacher again, when I get them.

I keep thinking to myself "if DS was from a different ethnic group to most of the other children, they would be down like a ton of bricks on any child who teased. But because it 'just' a physical difference, they don't care (can't be bothered) " .

I think I might ask the governing body to review the disability policy and bullying policy, and whether school is actually applying them.