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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children helping around the house

47 replies

HeathcliffMoorland · 15/09/2010 21:23

DD1 is 5 and DS is 4.

A few months ago, I started to insist that they help around the house (very light, usually just putting away their toys, laying the table...) before anything like telly-viewing takes place. I usually end up having to redo whatever they have done anyway. It's more about instilling self-discipline and responsibility from a young age. They really are doing very well.

I had a friend around the other day, who was a bit shocked and confused as to why I was doing it. She wasn't mean or critical, just a bit Hmm. AIBU to be doing this? Anyone else doing it? How is it going? Or is my friend right???

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 15/09/2010 22:49

YADNBU! Start them young!

I actually have a list of "jobs which DS can help with" and "Jobs I have to do myself" - things like washing up or cleaning the toilet, and I NEVER do anything from the first list when he's sleeping or with his Dad. Why waste my precious leisure time! Grin

I hate housework but it's much less of a chore doing it with DS, even though he's 23 months and makes a mess of it and it takes twice as long, we have fun doing it, I know he's safe and occupied, it's a different activity to do with him, so I don't have to play trains 574 times a day or read the same book over and over (we do read books and play trains as well of course!) - but it's also good for both of us. I let go of my perfectionism and he is learning to work as a team and care for a house, and hopefully these jobs will be second nature to him as he gets older.

ChippingIn · 16/09/2010 01:15

You are definitely doing the right thing! Do not let any amount of Hmm's convince you otherwise.

There is only one way to learn to pick up after yourself and to do 'stuff' because it needs doing and that's to be brought up doing it. The other option is to do it all for them, then resent it when you have teenagers who can't/wont do anything - when your friend gets to this stage you can Hmm & Grin

aendr · 16/09/2010 09:07

My 22 month old has been helping with tasks for around 4 months now. In fact, he insists on it. He puts the laundry in the washing machine and takes it out again when wet (very cutely, one item at a time), putting the nappy bags in the nappy bin (and his new baby sister's ones too), putting shoes on the shoe rack (messy mummy usually leaves hers on the floor and he tidies them away), telling daddy to put his clothes in the laundry basket and putting the tea bags in our mugs when we make tea. I'm all for encouraging helpful behaviour like this, long may it last, especially as every one of the above tasks he took on off his own bat.

Bunnyjo · 16/09/2010 09:15

YADNBU - DD has just turned 3 and she loves helping me around the home. In fact, at her nursery they have a tidy up song that the kids all sing together while putting a couple of toys away after free-play time and they all love it :)

gizzy1973 · 16/09/2010 09:18

YANBU at all

I have started to try and get my lo into a habit of seeing his toys put away at end of day so eventually he will start helping - he is only 8 months old so i know its too early yet

elportodelgato · 16/09/2010 09:25

YANBU - if you want to have a chance of raising them to be independent adults, they have to start somewhere and it gives them responsibility for and pride in their home to have them do chores.

DD is 2 and she puts her clothes in the laundry basket at night, 'helps' me load the washing machine, LOVES doing the washing up (mainly soapy splashing) and she also knows that at the end of the weekend the toys need to be put away in the playroom which we do together. I don't understand people who do everything for their DC, you are literally working for nobody's benefit as your DC sure as hell won't thank you when they hit 16 or 18 and don't know how to use the hoover or cook a meal.

megonthemoon · 16/09/2010 09:26

I had this conversation with my best friend the other day - she has been talking to some mums who never had their kids do anything. As my friend said "I'm not spending the next 15-20 years clearing up after a family of 5, so everyone can learn now how to do their own tasks."

My DS is 2.5. His daily 'tasks' are

  • Get cereal boxes out at breakfast time
  • Lay mats and cutlery on table for us all
  • Get his own bowl and cup out
  • Take his own shoes off and put on shoe rack
  • Put his dirty clothes in the laundry
  • Tidy away at least some of his toys
  • Help unload dishwasher
  • Help unload and put away food shopping
  • Help me sort laundry and/or put it in washing machine
  • Help me hang out laundry by handing me pegs
  • Put away his clothes in his drawers
  • We're currently working on making his own bed
  • He also helps a lot with cooking - mixing things or stirring or getting things out of the fridge

I don't make him do these all the time - but this is the range of household chores he gets involved in on a regular basis, and he will always have 2 or 3 tasks per day at least.

Most of them we have to redo so they do take time, but TBH I'm rubbish at thinking up activities for him and he loves doing stuff with mummy and daddy so we don't mind having to redo bits of it. And we just think we should take advantage of his enthusiasm now so that when he becomes a bit more resistant when he's older there's a chance that it is actually so ingrained that he doesn't rebel and just carries on doing them (slim chance, but I'll take it!)

ManicMother7777 · 16/09/2010 09:26

Well done, I applaud you! If you saw my friend's teenagers you would see the results of NOT starting early!

megonthemoon · 16/09/2010 09:28

I should say that all of these were initiated by him, and then I just encourage him to continue. I'm not some kind of workhouse taskmaster, honest! :)

tjacksonpfc · 16/09/2010 09:47

my 2 do chores around the house. This is what they do.

DD 6
DS 4

Get there table out for breakfast and spoons.
Get dressed and teeth cleaned in morning.
Take plates out and put in the sink.
Dirty clothes in the laundry.
Clean clothes put away in there drawers.
Empty lunchboxes.
Pack book bags for school and get there water bottle filled up.

At weekends they dry up and put the washing up away.
That is what They do regularly it helps give them responsibilty. I am a sahm but due to illness some help around the house is appreciated. i do all the washing and big cleaning when they are at school.

booyhoo · 16/09/2010 09:52

my ds is 5 and has been 'helping' for about two years now. he actually loves it. he always asks to help me cook dinner and do teh dishes. i love it too because it means him and I get to spend a bit of one to one time an dhave a giggle.

keep doing what you are doing. you are raising independant adults.

Jux · 16/09/2010 09:58

You're absolutely no being unreasonable. Nor is your friend. There's no right or wrong to this really.

Currently, dd (11) is let off all her week day chores as her day is so long and she has much more homework and stress since starting secondary. She still has to do her w/e chores though.

I think we started her with helping a bit later than you, but personally, I think we should have started earlier.

chandellina · 16/09/2010 09:59

YANBU. my two year old helps put away his toys and is tasked with throwing away small pieces of rubbish in the bin.

I'm totally impressed by megonthemoon's son and will try to start enouraging some of those things myself.

Ragwort · 16/09/2010 10:04

You are definately doing the right thing, I wish I had been a lot stricter about helping when my son was younger, its harder to get them to help as they get older and more bolshy rather than just seeing it as part of normal behaviour.

I too have friends with teenagers who do nothing, one friend was berating her (very hard working) DH for not stacking the dishwasher whilst two lazy teenagers were lounging around on the sofa; when I gently asked why they didn't help she very indulgently said ' oh, it's not their thing'. Hmm

JustDoMyLippyThenWeWillGo · 16/09/2010 10:10

YANBU. My ds,2 and bit, helps by wiping table, and putting stuff in dishwasher,also "dusting" and "hoovering". Also trying to get him to put things in the bin himself to avoid the "mummy - here's a horrible sticky wrapper/apple core, let me just hand it to you" thingGrin. And dd (9) also to tidy up after self with plates and so on,and help chores. Her friends are surprised, and just think I am wicked mummy, but at least I am not their slave! I do not link pocket money with the chores tho: they are just to be done as part of life, not for money. Was really inspired years ago when saw dn throw a pair of dirty socks to his mum while he lay on sofa demanding a drink, and this seemed to be the norm. Not for me.

megonthemoon · 16/09/2010 10:11

chandellina - I should emphasise he doesn't do all of these all of the time! These are just things he has asked to do himself, and many have started in recent weeks as he is going through a big (somewhat tedious) independent phase thing ("no, I want to do it mummy, not mummy" - cue tantrum if i don't back off!) It's just once he has shown interest in something we then encourage him to keep doing it.

Cereal, shoes and laying the table are the ones he loves doing so he does those every day without being asked :) I then try to encourage 2 or 3 of the others each day and vary them just to get him used to different tasks and not make it too boring for him.

None of them are done that well but I let that slide as I'm not exactly brilliant at things like laundry myself :o And as I said, it's easier for me than thinking up yet more 'fun' activities for him...

I'm not pretending I'm going to have a helpful teenager by doing this - I'm just trying to enjoy having a helpful toddler (in between the tantrums!)

DingALongCow · 16/09/2010 10:56

DD turned 5 in June and she:

makes her own breakfast on school days
makes her own packed lunch (I check it when I put the lid on)
empties her lunchbox, hangs her coat and bookbag up when she comes home.
gets dressed by herself
puts her clothes in the washing
puts her plate on the side
helps unload the dishwasher
puts her rubbish in the bin
keeps her room relatively tidy
sorts out her laundry andputs it away

and she also helps with the more complicated bits of cooking e.g. preparing veg, working out how much pasta to use, mixing etc.

We eat around 4.30 and at 5 we have tidy up time, which we all participate in. The quicker it gets done the more 'family' time we have- when I play with them, read or we all watch TV.

I don't force any of this, but she loves to help and feel grown-up. Other mothers seem to think this is unusual but I would rather raise a useful, helpful, independent adult and its better to start when they are younger and actually eager to join in.

girlywhirly · 16/09/2010 12:04

Children who do jobs around the home and take care of their own needs (dressing, washing etc) are far more independent at an earlier age and tend to be less frustrated and bad tempered on the whole. Parents who do everything for their children and allow them no responsibility run the risk of real behavioural difficulties to deal with.

I didn't link pocket money to jobs done, but would give a bit more or a treat for extra jobs.

I have a mate whos teenagers all have massive senses of entitlement, the world owes them etc, lazy, treat her as a slave, permanently angry and sulky if asked to do anything, and thoroughly unpleasant to be honest.

Littlemissneurotic · 16/09/2010 13:11

YANBU - my DD is 5 and DS is 4, my DS is much harder to encourage than my DD, but they help do as much as possible. I am on my own a lot as DH works away, My list is about as long as silverfrogs. do not want my kids to be useless and lazy like some people's i know. doesn't help them in the long run. DH was useless coz he was served by his mum like a king(though girls got hard rap)took me many years to get him to help me. Stay strong,

ChippingIn · 16/09/2010 14:16

(Jux - be careful, I would start getting her to do at least some of her weekday jobs, otherwise you may end up with a 'I'm too busy and important to do jobs' teenager! My friend has one and it's not pretty!!)

Jux · 17/09/2010 12:02

ChippinIn, I know you're right, but she leaves the house at 7.30 and doesn't get home until 5.30. By Wednesday she's knackered.

mumeeee · 17/09/2010 12:06

YANBU. Putting toys away and laying the table is fine for 4 and 5 year olds.

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