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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Serious vent alert. AIBU to feel short-changed???

18 replies

WhatTheWhat · 15/09/2010 19:52

My DH and I are both career professionals. A few years ago I moved into the third sector to ensure some flexibility when we had our kids. Kid finally arrived this year.

We had talked about my return to work and he had said he woud go part-time, as would I and that DD would go to nursery one or two days a week tops.

He then came into line for a promotion and, long story short, the part-time thing fell away.

So we discussed him having a 6 month sabbatical to care for DD before starting nursery a bit older. This also fell away, as the promotion would be adversely affected.

We sat down, discussed it. And agreed that I would take a 'career holiday' and focus upon having our kids and that I would go far more 'part time' than we'd originally planned. We agreed that I would always be the one to leave work in case of issues and we agreed I would not apply for any new jobs/promotions during this time. He would be free to focus on his work and his promotion.

Then, aftr 3 years or so, I would get a chance to work on my career again, as his promotion would give him more flexibility.

Now, he's moaning about being forced into getting this promotion. Moaning about how having kids and living away from London will make getting the promotion impossible and saying he needs to be in London 5 days a week. When I try to be supportive and suggest that anything goes as long as he's clear about what's happening, he complains that this is not helpful.

I have also said that if he doesn't want to work towards the promotion, that's fine with me - I am happy with things as they are and would be happy with things as they could be.

AIBU to feel like I have done everything possible to be supportive and that he's wasting a chance of a lifetime (that is denied to me)? AIBU to feel short-changed on this deal when he moans about options I would be very happy to have?

Or am I just being a career-challenged Mum bitching about the fact that 'they' don't have to have the kids...

OP posts:

BoysAreLikeDogs · 15/09/2010 20:02

YANBU at ALL

iamaLeafontheWind · 15/09/2010 20:08

Right there with you! DH has admitted he feels the pressure over being nearly sole breadwinner & it contributed to him being ratty about work problems that I would appreciate the opportunity to have. There is no easy answer though.

laurely · 15/09/2010 20:12

Sounds like he is getting cold feet about the promotion and looking for a blame outlet for if he doesn't get it.

It's never easy
YANBU.

RunawayWife · 15/09/2010 20:14

He is being a selfish baby.

Original poster

WhatTheWhat · 15/09/2010 20:30

We just had a chat and it turns out we never agreed anything about him prioritising work. There's no need for either of us to 'focus' on child rearing, or indeed promotions. It will all work out in the mash. I am over-complicating things. He certainly does not intend to step up in three years' time. What am I talking about? What agreement? Dear God.

Personally, I can foresee that we will be having those lovely conversations where you try to work out whose work is less important when the CM or nanny is ill and someone has to stay home.

The thing is, he has never had to be 'unreliable' (or take maternity leave!) and doesn't realise what a slippery slope it is. My view is that work quickly lables someone as having their mind elsewhere if family stuff comes into the mix. It's fatal to any serious career prospects.

OP posts:

ynh · 15/09/2010 20:33

YANBU. It could well be the pressure of being sole breadwinner. Also, in my experience these deep conversations where you give up something career-related to support his career can turn out not to have been what you thought they were at the time. Sometimes the partner who's actually got more drive and motivation towards their own career, can end up accidentally giving it up in favour of the partner who's less bothered, if during discussions they tended to play down the strength of their own career ambitions so as to be accommodating and considerate of the other person's.

ynh · 15/09/2010 20:35

Crossposted - doesn't surprise me that you've got different memories of vital discussions - been there done that.

FioFio · 15/09/2010 20:35

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FioFio · 15/09/2010 20:36

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Original poster

WhatTheWhat · 15/09/2010 20:43

We're in Bristol. I have said it's fine for him to overnight there so as to get a couple of days in a row etc. Bless him, he does want to be back for bedtime stories though.

You're right FioFio - the joys far outweigh these niggles.

OP posts:

iamaLeafontheWind · 15/09/2010 20:44

DH & I have kept a log of time taken off for DDs illness so we try & keep it relatively even depending on busy periods/ deadlines. Essential for my sanity!

FioFio · 15/09/2010 20:59

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Original poster

WhatTheWhat · 15/09/2010 20:59

Well, respect to Leaf for having the will and time for that! It's exactly what I was hoping to avoid really.

OP posts:

annec555 · 15/09/2010 21:03

We are moving not too far from you (Bath) and my OH is going to do 4 days in London. I am doing a couple of days part-time but realistically it is the end of my career progression for now. I agreed to this and still feel a bit funny about it so YANBU at all.

ChippingIn · 15/09/2010 21:03

Have been there, done that, got the t-shirts (with the EX). Clearly as he's the Ex I don't have any magical solutions :(

You're going to have to talk to him again ... Good Luck!! x

iamaLeafontheWind · 16/09/2010 21:29

Ha, it's often useful when discussions are mis-interpreted (or just plain forgotten) by DH either of us.

Or maybe I've been an accountant for too long.

Ilovemangoes · 16/09/2010 21:52

TBH it sounds like he isn't sure about whether he wants this promotion or not, and he wants to keep his options open. You do need to talk to him again as he clearly does not remember the last conversation, and having a career is important to you as well.

He needs to make a decision and stick to it, so you can all start to make plans for childcare/running day to day life.

fedupofnamechanging · 16/09/2010 22:11

He wanted to have the baby as much as you, so should be equally as responsible for childcare/taking days off when child is unwell. He does sound unreiable and so I don't think you should let your career stall. If you were happy to be a SAHM then I would think it fair for you to do more than him, but given that you are career focussed it seems unfair to me that he is weaseling out of all your prior agreements. You seem to be making all the sacrifices and he is still not happy.

If this was me, I would take the decision making out of his hands. I would continue with my career and inform him of his obligations wrt childcare. I would then let him work his promotion (or not) around these obligations (which are a priority). Don't think you can afford to give up too much here. Can foresee you getting lumbered with all the childcare, losing your career and having a DH who buggers off to London 5 days per week.

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