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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my boyfriend to 'loose' the condoms in his cabinet seeing as we don't use them?

25 replies

soosesoo · 15/09/2010 11:03

Brief history; Been seeing him for 9 months, we don't use condoms. He has loads - 20 plus - in his bedside cabinet. I've mentioned that I'm not happy about it and why can't he throw them away? He says he might need them one day if we split up, great. He says if he just moved them somewhere else would that make me happier? He would still have them. He thinks I'm being irrational, I think he's being insensitive.

In the past we had a big row and he registered back on the dating site we met
on, then denied we'd even met on that site!He's now come off and denied it was him anyway.

He showed me a statement showing, amongst other things, that he'd bought stuff from Anne Summers, he now says it was for me but no sign of it!

Had it out with him about this, he says I'm being paranoid and suspicious, what do mn's think please?

OP posts:
annh · 15/09/2010 11:08

I don't think the condoms in themselves are a huge issue. When we had been married for years, dh still had some condoms in a bedside drawer (probably not 20 though). We had them as a fallback in case I forgot to take a pill or for after childbirth before I went back on the pill, etc. Surely they have an expiry date however, so hanging onto them for some unspecified time in the future, doesn't make sense.

Everything else about him sounds suspect though so I wouldn't believe that in this case he is telling you the truth about the condoms.

TrappedinSuburbia · 15/09/2010 11:11

Im sure we still have condoms lurking around, never crossed my mind to throw them out.

The Ann Summers stuff sounds very dodgy though, where is the stuff, what did he say, why did he show you the statement?

Do you think between the condoms and the statement he is trying to tell you something?

TheButterflyEffect · 15/09/2010 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skeletonbones · 15/09/2010 11:18

I would go back to useing the condoms when you are with him TBH based on what you are saying rather than a pregnancy preventing but non STD preventing method. You are concerned that their might be someone else, and he doesn't sound reliable or commited to you enough to risk not using condoms with and possibly catching an STI!

Original poster
soosesoo · 15/09/2010 11:18

He said the stuff was for me, when I said where is it then he didn't reply, he has a history of witholding presents, he didn't give me my birthday present, then sent me an email telling me he'd returned it for a refund and how much it cost after we'd had a row about him wrecking my birthday, same row that led to the dating site re registering.

He said it wasn't suspicious as he wouldn't have let me see the statement if it was, but I think he's playing mind games with me, which he, obviously, denies.

OP posts:
ccpccp · 15/09/2010 11:18

If he has 20 condoms in his drawer, and uses 'dating' websites, then it does rather point to a promiscuous past!

Dont think for one minute that you are the only one he has gone unprotected with.

STD much?

Sassybeast · 15/09/2010 11:20

Rather than throw the condoms away, I'd suggest you start using them again if you insist on sleeping with a man you can't trust.

minipie · 15/09/2010 11:20

You might need the condoms. I'm on the Pill, we have condoms for those times when I've occasionally forgotten to take it, or am on antibiotics or other medication that makes it ineffective.

However that's not the real issue here. The real issue is obviously that you don't trust him. Work out why that is, and talk to him about that.

RaisedFromPerdition · 15/09/2010 11:20

Well we've been together 12yrs and still have condoms in the bedside table. Irrelevant imo.

All the other stuff is more worrying. He sounds manipulative and odd.

skeletonbones · 15/09/2010 11:20

He sounds awfull TBH you've only been together 9 months, hes already wecked your birthday, and put himself back on the market as it were, and you think he may be cheating. If its like this now, what do you think it will be like if you are with him in 5 years time?

Havingkittens · 15/09/2010 11:31

"If he has 20 condoms in his drawer, and uses 'dating' websites, then it does rather point to a promiscuous past!"

ccpccp - I met my partner on a 'dating' website and probably had about 20 condoms in my bathroom cabinet. However, I am not a slapper Wink, nor is he a philanderer. We have been together 6 and a half years now. I also have several non slapper friends who have met their partners (including husbands and fathers of their kids) on 'dating' websites. It's quite a normal way to meet a partner these days you know!

I would be more concerned with your other half's manipulative behaviour though regarding the presents and also the re-registering on the dating sites and the inconsistencies in his behaviour. If you include all of this with his refusal to get rid of the condoms then maybe there are grounds for 'alarm bells'.

AbsofCroissant · 15/09/2010 11:31

Why are you with him? Obviously you haven't put everything on about your relationship but if he's keeping condoms (in case you break up), withholding presents and threatening to return them (which is kind of controlling behaviour) because you had a disagreement, ruining your birthday and re-registering on dating sites, lying about how you met ... IMO, it doesn't look good.

ChippingIn · 15/09/2010 11:39

Good grief - dump him now. The guy is a twat - why are you with him?

(my opinion has nothing to do with him having the condoms)

pinkbasket · 15/09/2010 11:40

I think you have a lot more to worry about than a few condoms in his drawer. Have you both had a full STD test since you are not using condoms?

Original poster
soosesoo · 15/09/2010 11:42

I wondered if he'd ever got the presents in the first place tbh, but he was outraged when I said that. According to his email, he did return them and get a full refund.

Then a few weeks later he said he's got me some more to make up for my birthday, I was just getting out of the car as he said it, he asked if I wanted them now or the next time we met, I said next time......3 meetings since then and no mention of them. So yeah, it is controlling behaviour, which he denies and thinks is 'normal'.

He didn't lie about how we met, just which site it was, doesn't make it any less odd though.

OP posts:
diddl · 15/09/2010 11:50

The condoms wouldn´t bother me.

But the rest of his behaviour would!

pinkbasket · 15/09/2010 11:52

Relationships are supposed to be fun, to enhance your life, help you destress not cause more problems than the solve.

BitOfFun · 15/09/2010 11:54

Set them free into the wild, and then chase them, yes.

proudnglad · 15/09/2010 11:59

BitofFun - they could be a danger to wildlife though?

lauzb · 15/09/2010 12:01

The condoms wouldn't bother me (unless of course there were 20 last time you checked, and now there are only 19...)

The other stuff makes him sound seriously dodgy - and a bit odd tbh

I think for the sake of 9 months, I would probably cut my losses with this guy, and re-register on the dating website myself!

getabloodygrip · 15/09/2010 12:07

Christ, I rarely feel the need to chip into the "my guy is a tosser what do you think" threads, but on this one??
a) dump him
b) if you can't dump him for whatever reason, use the sodding condoms!!! FFS!!!!

But a) is definitely your best plan.

emmyloulou · 15/09/2010 12:10

WHY are you with him exactly? Condom issue aside the guy is a knob dump him pronto.

This relationship is already controlling and emotionally abusive you know that right? I am not one to throw around the abuse word neither.

Claw3 · 15/09/2010 12:12

If you are worried that he may be sleeping around, shouldnt you be using the condoms?

Mahraih · 15/09/2010 12:13

He sounds like a bit of a wank, tbh.

Condoms aren't the issue. My DP has condoms floating around, we certainly don't use them as I am pg! I really don't care; I know he isn't using them.

But the other stuff: the Anne Summers stuff that never showed up, the dating website re-registering, the mind games ... is he really worth it?

CatIsSleepy · 15/09/2010 12:13

he doesn't sound like a barrel of laughs really, withholding birthday presents-wtf is that about?
what are you getting out of this relationship?

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