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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you spend more (xmas/birthdays) on your dying sibling?

22 replies

LadyBiscuit · 14/09/2010 20:22

I know it seems a bit weird to buy stuff for someone who is not long for this earth but I think that she's not going to have long and I'd like to splurge on her a bit. But I'm not going to spend the same on the other one. Would that be rude/weird?

OP posts:

Tootlesmummy · 14/09/2010 20:23

No absolutely not. If she doesn't have long then I think it would be the right thing to do to do something nice for her.

I'm sure your other sibling will understand. What about speaking to them and clubbing together for something really nice?

Really sorry to hear about your sister too.

taintedpaint · 14/09/2010 20:24

I'm not sure of the etiquette on this (if that's the right word), but I would be leaning towards doing what you are doing.

Does someone in RL think you're wrong for wanting to spend more?

So sorry you and your family are going through this. x

SlightlyJaded · 14/09/2010 20:39

When awful things like this happen, I think you can throw away any 'rule book'. Go with your heart and do whatever feels right.

So sorry you are going through this.

SloanyPony · 14/09/2010 20:40

I would, particularly if it were something that would make them very comfortable, or very happy.

Sod it. Do it.

Hulababy · 14/09/2010 20:41

Any "rule book" would go out of the window. I don't think anyone with any ounce of humanity could object either.

tholeon · 14/09/2010 20:42

heck no. If I was dying I would expect damn good presents from everyone! And not just at Crimbo.

It sounds crap for you, am sorry.

wukter · 14/09/2010 20:42

Do it.
I am sorry you are in this position though.

StealthPolarBear · 14/09/2010 20:42

Of course, and assuming the other sibling is over the age of 12 then there's no way they can reasonably object :(

MollysChambers · 14/09/2010 20:43

God no. Spoil her rotten.

QS · 14/09/2010 20:43

Sorry to read this. If anybody objects you can always say that I want to spend at least 20 years of birthday presents and christmas presents in advance, you lot, will get yours spread out over a 20-50 year period.

Meow75 · 14/09/2010 20:44

Have you considered "experiences" to have with the sibling rather than buying them "stuff"?

Could be the sort of thing that favourite memories are made of for the one left behind.

Sorry that you are in a position to have to ask about this.

Original poster

LadyBiscuit · 14/09/2010 20:45

She's not dying tomorrow - she's got between 5-8 years so it's not that tragic (ok it really is but I'm trying to put a brave face on it). But I want to get her something a bit nice :)

OP posts:

ZZZenAgain · 14/09/2010 20:46

No, not rude or weird, why not just tell your other sibling what you plan to do wrt your sister's present and ask if that sibling would like to join you in it?

LynetteScavo · 14/09/2010 20:46

Not rude or weird at all.

Meow75 · 14/09/2010 20:49

How you gonna know if you don't find out what other people have done (or think) when you meet a new situation?

And now I understand what you mean for the stuff.

If it were me, I'd be hoping for an iPad, but that's just me!!!

Original poster

LadyBiscuit · 14/09/2010 20:54

Thanks all :) It is completely shit but I'm trying to be positive. And my other sister is not making a fuss at all (would hate anyone to think that she was) but just wondered if it were you, would you be pissed off? But it seems not so I shall spoil my younger sister rotten :)

meow - the experiences thing is a good idea but she doesn't feel well enough to do things a lot of the time and I think that may make her feel a bit pressured. She got a spa day from her MIL for xmas and got a bit stressed about it so I think 'stuff' is probably better for her.

OP posts:

BonniePrinceBilly · 14/09/2010 20:56

Would anyone admit to be being pissed off that their dying sibling was getting a better xmas pressie than them? Wouldn't that be like saying I am Gina Ford and just wait for the fire bombing?

Original poster

LadyBiscuit · 14/09/2010 21:14

:o BPB

I don't think my other sister would whinge at all but I really wanted to see if other people thought it would be a bit off. And tbh my younger sister and I are much closer and so we tend to buy one another slightly more generous gifts anyway so I'm feeling a bit guilty about that and if I up it another notch then my elder sister might really notice.

But you're right, even if she was annoyed about it, she'd be stupid and mean to mention it (and she really isn't horrible, I just don't click with her like I do with my younger one).

Thanks all - has been v helpful. I shall spoil her rotten then :)

OP posts:

iamamug · 14/09/2010 21:43

Please do spoil her - I lost one of my BF 7 years ago - she was ill for 10 years. The very best thing we did was spend time together . I understand your point about her not feeling up to much at the moment but hopefully this will not always be the case. A short trip somewhere sensible with lots of fun thrown in - How about tea at the Ritz? Anything like that I'm sure would be lovely and the point is that you go with her and it's memories for you. Can't tell you how sorry I am for you and your sister. I wish I had known about MN when my friend was dying - I had many questions and did some things wrong....

ElectricSoftParade · 14/09/2010 21:58

LadyBiscuit, give her all you can emotionally and in the thoughtfully bought presents. Will give her a lift and you will feel "as though you are doing something" which will benefit her. I have put that in quotes because this is something I wanted to do but was unable due to dc (very young at the time) and just WANTING to do SOMETHING.

My sister died just over a year ago and I still feel guilty about the amount of time I was able to spend with her. My two dc were at nursery in the morning, I didn't have anyone to look after them in the afternoon and couldn't get back and forth in time, so therefore could not spend as much time as I wanted with her (she was, for the last 9 months, unable to cope with my dc - she ADORED them but was in so much pain and overcome with depression, she could only cope with short bursts).

Sorry, reading it back I am not making too much sense but I hope you have lots of real quality times with her and she is thrilled with whatever you pick out for her. All the very best ESP

pluperfect · 14/09/2010 22:23

Not at all off. I just hope you find something worthy of her and your love for her, so you have not regrets about that! Poor all of you.

Original poster

LadyBiscuit · 14/09/2010 22:23

thank you iamamug and ESP - I am so sorry for your losses :( I am dreading the time when she actually goes but am trying not to think about that now.

We are gong for cocktails very soon I hope so lots of things like that will be good. We've been trying to go out for a whole day for ages but it's not been possible. I am giving up full time work very soon so I hope I will be able to spend more time with her. She's very precious to me

OP posts:

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