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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is not being logical?

25 replies

MadameCheese · 14/09/2010 18:57

DC(2) is due in next couple of weeks. As both sets of parents are 2+ hours away, we've asked friends to come an sit with DS which they are happy to do. However, I am concerned that should the birth be a protracted affair, I would not wish to put on them to feed him etc or stay with him overnight should the need arise.

I therefore suggested to DH that my mum has offered to come and take over. DH thinks it would be fine to expect these kind friends to look after DS for the duration and do whatever is needed. He also said they would be able to leave immediately when we get home but my mum would not.

I think it would not be reasonable to come home, thank her for looking after DS and then ask her to drive back home whatever the time of day. My mum is super helpful and it's not as if they don't get on. I think it would also be helpful to me because I wouldn't be worrying about putting on my friends.

OP posts:
NotAnotherBrick · 14/09/2010 18:58

YANBU. Sounds extremely sensible to have your mum start driving over to take over from your friends once you know you'll need her.

NotAnotherBrick · 14/09/2010 18:59

Ps. when you have the baby, you'll need all the help you can get - unless you both can't stand your mum, then you may well find you really need her there!

scurryfunge · 14/09/2010 19:01

Seems fine to me but I wouldn't expect her to leave immediately at whatever time you arrive home.

DetectivePotato · 14/09/2010 19:01

YANBU, complications could arise and you could be in hospital for much longer than your DH anticipates (hopefully not). Having your mum there will give you peace of mind that you don't need to rush back etc to take DS off their hands.

LynetteScavo · 14/09/2010 19:03

This is what we did when DS2 was born.. you always come home from hospital during working hours, don't you?

perfumedlife · 14/09/2010 19:05

YANBU. I understand why it would be good to have your mum there. Is your dh perhaps just a bit uncomfortable at sharing the house with Mil while you are in hospital? Sharing his cave as it were?

Either way, it should be about what makes YOU comfortable while a huge life changeing event takes place. If you want mum there, and it would set your mind at ease, then you should have her there.

Certainly it would be nice for the little 'un to spend time with Gran while you are busy getting new baby sorted. Attention demands and all that.

ChippingIn · 14/09/2010 19:11

I don't know your friends, but I can say that I would be happy to have my friends DC for as long as it took and either take him to ours or decamp at yours...

However, if you would be happier with your Mum doing it, then you should do that, but maybe you will have to say to her that once you come home, you'd like it to be just the four of you so would she mind terribly going home again when you get home - but if it's late etc the next day or whatever you are happy with, but is fair to Mum.

Is DH worried about telling his Mum that your Mum will be there but she wont?

lazarusb · 14/09/2010 19:26

Would your ds prefer your mum to be there? If you end up taking longer than expected then she would be better placed to reassure him surely? Your friends wouldn't necessarily go straight away anyway would they? They would want to make tea, meet baby etc... hoping to give you some pro- Mum arguments! Grin

thisisyesterday · 14/09/2010 19:30

i am with your DH. if you have good friends i can see no reason why they wouldn't/shouldn't feed him or have him overnight

PorridgeBrain · 14/09/2010 19:47

YANBU - we did exactly what you are suggesting OP and it worked out perfectly. DD was left with a friend when it was time to go to hospital and my parents who were 90 mins away were called immediately and took over from the friend once they arrived.

It also meant that we could plan exactly how DD met her new sister (ie ask parents to bring her to the hospital at the time we thought was best for us and DD) which we would not have been able to ask friend to do as she had her own family to work around and it would have had to have been on her terms understandably. My parents also stayed for the next 24 hours whilst I was in hospital (I wasn't able to come straight home as I'd hoped) which took the pressure off my DH and meant he had a bit of break and could balance his time between DD1 at home and myself and DD2 at the hospital as and how we thought was best. I arrived home late the next evening and my parents were happy to leave when we wanted them to.

Original poster
MadameCheese · 14/09/2010 22:56

Many thanks everyone, I think DH will need a heck of a lot of persuading to see things from my point of view, he can be very stubborn. I don't think he can see that I don't need the extra stress whilst I'm in labour, all men aren't like this surely? :)

I think DS would be happy to be looked after by anyone as he's such an easy going child, but my friends have children of their own to think about, so he won't have the attention that my mum could lavish on him. With regards to my PIL, yes they will probably be a bit jealous but I'd be surprised if DH has even thought about that. TBH I'd rather my mum than MIL, she's much more thoughtful.

OP posts:
mamas12 · 14/09/2010 23:00

No not all men are like that madamecheese and quite frankly he is being really childish and selfish when he should be agreeing to anything you want to support you and your needs surrounding giving birth.

End of, no discussion, when he gives birth himself he can choose how he wants to do it but until then ...

Original poster
MadameCheese · 14/09/2010 23:24

lol mamas Wink

OP posts:
mamas12 · 14/09/2010 23:30

I'm serious you know.

mamas12 · 14/09/2010 23:31

Try it go on go on go on {grin}

cat64 · 14/09/2010 23:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

loubielou31 · 15/09/2010 00:16

Just explain to your friend yourself that this is what you'll be doing and phone your mum when you leave for hospital, best plan all round I think!
I sent my mum home the morning after I came home from hospital, I felt a bit mean but needed some new baby time, she understood completely and came back to visit us all a fornight later with my dad.
Completely agree with mamas12 your labour, your decision!

Original poster
MadameCheese · 15/09/2010 13:04

I know, I know mamas. He can be a right mule when it comes to things like this, it is part of the birth plan after all (which my DH didn't think he needed to be part of Hmm). BTW DS is only 2 and I think this would make a difference to how compliant and how much "work" he may potentially be for friends, especially if he has to go to their house. That's an important point I think and I should have mentioned it. I'm going to have a further discussion tonight but know he'll be really cross :(

OP posts:
mamas12 · 15/09/2010 21:33

He'll be really cross!

Is he giving birth.

He really should be making this all about you not him.

If you need you mum there he needs to suck it up. A few days in a lifetime is not that big a deal tell him and if it's to your betterment it should be done.
BTW I know what you mean about the 2yr old. DD was two when I had to call neighbour over to look after her until my mum and dsis arrived to stay until I came out of hospital.

My mind was at rest thinking that that what was I was happy with so I could concentrate on trying to not annoy ex by drawing attention to myself while giving birth.

I should have kicked him out he was horrible.

Don't want to tell you that but there you are.

pippylongstockings · 15/09/2010 21:45

I would go for your mu being there - even though you hope for a very straight forward labour and birth it is an unknown quantity.

My DS2 was born after a very quick and uncomplicated labour - all good & we hoped to be home within the 6 hours discharge.

Cue DS2 having lung/breathing problems and us both being kept in for 4 days, with 3 days of him being ferried up and back to SCBU. I was so grateful for my mum being able to look after our 2 year old at home where he was happy and secure, while hubby was coming back and forth to be in hospital with us.

expect the un-expected and then you can be haooy.

Original poster
MadameCheese · 15/09/2010 22:23

Oh dear mamas :(, thanks for your help it has put it into perspective and thank you everyone else :)

He was pretty cross when I suggested that this would be the bes course of action and I think I remained fairly calm throughout, trying to get my point across. He eventually conceded that it was the best course of action and apologized for his reaction. Having first called my mum an "interfering old bag" - she is not!

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameCheese · 15/09/2010 22:25

"best course of action" used far too many times there!

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameCheese · 15/09/2010 22:26

:( pippy hope everything is ok now

OP posts:
mamas12 · 15/09/2010 23:19

That's encouraging at least, but don't let your resolve slip. You need to be able to do your best here. You've done it once before so he should know the score. What is his problem?

Can I be nosey and ask if he has 'gone off' you while you are pg?

Original poster
MadameCheese · 15/09/2010 23:47

No, not at all. He's just stubborn and controlling at times but on the whole a thoroughly good egg :)

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