Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to have to remember everything for everybody!

26 replies

undercovamutha · 14/09/2010 14:09

Argh - am so fed up with having to remember things, and with DH's not listening'forgetfulness'.

I have at least 100 things to remember at any one time - reading books, fruit, dinner money, forms etc etc for school. Nappies, spare clothes, fees, forms for nursery. Inset days, birthdays (everyones), dance lesson money, bills, general house admin, appointments etc etc etc.

PLUS I work in a senior role (p/t) and have tons of stuff to remember at work too.

Recently I have asked DH to do a few things (tell the school that DD's dinner money is in her bag when he drops her off, asked him to post a letter, reminded him to pick some milk up on way back from work). This is ALL he has to remember (re. home things), and I have reminded him first anyway, and yet he forgets EVERY SINGLE THING I ask him to do, or does it slightly wrong (uses 2nd class stamp instead of first, buys bread but not milk).

He now says that he has too much on his mind and can't remember everything (!), so can I write him notes to remind him. FFS! So now I have to remember everything, then remind DH, and now write him a note to confirm the details! AIBU to want someone else (DH!) to remember things every now and again to give my brain a rest?

(btw there is nothing wrong with DH's memory - he remembers his own things, such as ebay end times, just fine).

OP posts:
catinthehat2 · 14/09/2010 14:27

It's washing up syndrome. Do it badly and never get asked again.

Tell him you know all the tricks, don't bother trying them on you, and since he is too junior to merit a PA, he's going to need to carry a little notebook & pencil round with him like the rest of us do.

And you can use your 'sharp' voice if you wish.

nomedoit · 14/09/2010 14:28

I could have written this post! It drives me crazy and I too have been asked to write things down by my DH - in my experience they still forget. The only way DH can do the shopping (which he does once a year) is if I type a list in the exact order of the aisles in the supermarket. And he will still manage to forget one vital ingredient without which I cannot cook that dish. If I want him to take something somewhere, I have to leave it on the car seat the night before FFS. YANBU!

nomedoit · 14/09/2010 14:29

Does he also ask you the same question over and over again?

"What are we having for dinner?'

Repeat every five minutes.

Hullygully · 14/09/2010 14:30

Is he five?

Bonsoir · 14/09/2010 14:32

Actually, YABU. We all have limited memory for micro-tasks. You cannot endlessly extend your brain to remember more of them.

Get someone else to help (housekeeper? au pair?)

catinthehat2 · 14/09/2010 14:34

I never understand why people are allowed to get away with this stuff repeatedly.

If anyone pisses me off, they do it once and once only, then they have to change their behaviour.

I think this is the only rasonable approach TBH.

Original poster
undercovamutha · 14/09/2010 14:47

Hully - mentally he is indeed 5 I believe.

Bonsoir - some of us have to extend our brains to remember more. Very sadly funds don't extend to hiring help!

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 14/09/2010 14:52

Honestly, people are not endlessly able to stretch themselves! If you cannot afford an extra brain/pair of hands, you need to scale back your micro-tasks (get more organised, perhaps?).

minipie · 14/09/2010 14:57

How about putting him in charge of some big categories of things (rather than all the individual little things).

Like: It's your job to make sure the DCs have everything they need in the mornings, including filling out any forms.

It's your job to remember birthdays of everyone who is your family member or primarily your friend.

It's your job to organise any tradesmen/house maintenance.

That kind of thing. I think that if someone is given an entire category of responsibility, that then becomes "their job" and they pay it more attention. Whereas if they're just given little bits to do "as a favour" to someone else, they don't think of it as "their job" and so don't bother so much (and certainly don't think about doing it next time).

Bramshott · 14/09/2010 14:59

My DH does not remember conversations well, so I usually email or text him about things. Would this work for you?

MisterW · 14/09/2010 15:03

If it's not important enough to him then he won't remember it. There's no point trying to make him remember because he can't. You need a find a system that works for both of you. Maybe having jobs written down in a particular place and he commits to looking there to see if there's anything you want him to do. That way you wouldn't have to tell him and he won't have to remember.

catinthehat2 · 14/09/2010 15:12

Crikey, you lot are soft! Remember the OP:

"(btw there is nothing wrong with DH's memory - he remembers his own things, such as ebay end times, just fine)."

browniebear · 14/09/2010 15:13

yanbu my h is exactly the same, the one time he nipped to tesco for sandwich bag things for school he rang me on arrival and asked where everything was and where? and insisted i stayed on the phone till he got to the chechout!

i mean what was the point? i could of just done it myself!

there are not enough post its to write down everythimg we have to remember

nomedoit · 14/09/2010 15:33

Bonsoir, seriously, the OP should get a housekeeper? Why should the OP pay for help when their is an able-bodied adult in the house? Her DP, like mine, can remember when he chooses to. She wants a pint of milk brought home. It's not astrophysics.

loveulotslikejellytots · 14/09/2010 15:34

I love the one from my DH, when we have arrived at our destination/activity/meal/ gathering etc. "Have you got my wallet?". Ermmm Confused no.. it's your wallet!!!!

Good job i've always got my purse!!

And... "where are my socks?"... try your sock drawer ... Grin

I swear it's a game with DH, he is also the king of going out for bread and milk and returning with everything but... the best one was when he went out for milk and tea bags and returned with a 4 man tent... not even from a supermarket, halfords, which is no where near asda!!

ChippyMinton · 14/09/2010 15:57

Your DH needs to pull his weight. But it sounds like you could make life easier for yourself
eg pay dinner money in advance
DC's responsibility to put books back in bags ready for school
keep all paperwork & forms on the fridge or on a clip until dealt with
a calendar for all important dates
keep a bag packed ready for nursery etc etc

ChippyMinton · 14/09/2010 15:58

Meant to add, I forgot to pack DH's socks for a holiday once. Now he packs for himself - result!

Original poster
undercovamutha · 14/09/2010 19:10

Chippy - I am actually quite organised (although probably could be even more so), and do as many things as I can in advance. I'm not complaining about being rushed, or not having enough time, its the brain drain that gets me! The having to think of everything.

I would literally pass out if DH remembered anything for ME. Imagine if he just mentioned 'don't forget you said you were going to book the hairdressers this week' or 'isn't it you mum's birthday this week, have you got her a present?'.

The shock would probably kill me!

OP posts:
pjmama · 14/09/2010 19:24

I've spent 15 years trying to re-train my DH out of this kind of behaviour, without success! I've finally come the the conclusion that it's less stressful to just do it my bloody self, at least I know it's being done right! He's very good at cutting the grass and washing the car though, so I guess it's not all bad. Wink

Conundrumish · 14/09/2010 20:32

Eh - I don't remember writing this!

quiddity · 14/09/2010 20:39

pjmama, that's the result they're hoping for! See what catinthehat2 said....

ShrinkingViolet · 14/09/2010 20:48

bit of a drastic solution, but I had an operation on my foot last week, and I can't put any weight on it for two weeks at least. So I can't run around after everyone any more, and they have to sort it out themselves. So when DH asks "is there any milk?" I shrug and point to my foot, occasionally wondering out loud when I last looked in the fridge "oh yes, that would be ten days ago before my foot was in plaster".
Also the general anaesthetic is still wearing off, and my short term memory has gone to pot Wink Grin.

Hopefully in a few weeks time when I feel able to take control of the house again, I might not be the only person who knows where DD1 put her pencil case, DD3 left her homework books, and if there is any sodding milk.

LionsAreScary · 14/09/2010 22:31

are you married to my DH? Sounds just like him.

mamas12 · 14/09/2010 23:12

For heavens sake tell him to get a grip he is not 5 and you are not his mother.
If you don't like it change it.
When he asks where his ... is just shrug your shoulders and say you'll help him after you've done xyz, he will either find it or go without. His problem.

Re: the milk he needs to go straight back out again and get it.

DylanKeogh · 13/07/2025 16:45

@undercovamutha I have just Googled "why do I always have to remember everything for everybody?" This thread came up almost 15 years later.
I guess things don't change then?