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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed at another mums "friend manipulation"

23 replies

grasava · 14/09/2010 13:55

In short...
my ds is best friends with a girl who I shall call M, and they have been for over a year. They have both started school this last week. M's mum has been frantically working away at geting M other friends who are also starting school over for tea, play dates in the summer holidays etc. I am not annoyed at that, ds does not feel excluded, and I can see that she wants M to have other friends too.
What I am annoyed about is yesterday M grabs DS hand to walk in together, and M's mum is shouting out after her, "M...go with Maisie!!". so she does, but dragging ds behind her. M clearly feels comfortable with DS and vice versa, and they will make new friends as and when...why is she forcing the issue?
I think deep down she is scared that ds will want to start playing with the boys and "dump" M, but this hasn't happened all the time at playgroup.

OP posts:

FrameyMcFrame · 14/09/2010 13:58

Your ds friend's Mum will soon learn that you can't force children to be friends with people you choose. They'll make their own friendships. I think she is being most unreasonable and slightly silly!

booyhoo · 14/09/2010 14:01

she sounds a bit loopy. why would she not want her DD to be friends with your ds? my ds' best friend is a girl, they are great buddies and i am in no doubt that now they have started school they will make different friends but i amcertainly not discouraging their friendship.

Hullygully · 14/09/2010 14:02

dear lord. what a loon.

ChippingIn · 14/09/2010 14:05

YANBU - she is.

Some Mums are a bit weird about their children only having same sex friends - I don't know why. Maybe she wants her DD to be a little girly girl and thinks if they are friends she'll be a little tom boy - wtfk what's going on in her head?

Keep inviting M over to play :)

Feelingsensitive · 14/09/2010 14:07

Could be that she knew Masie was worried about school so was trying to help her by getting M to go in with her. Just ignore and carry on as normal. They will find their own friends.

UnePrune · 14/09/2010 14:11

It's not the best way of going about it, but it is good for small children to have a range of friends. I know I worry about mine not being keen on just one or two children - especially when I can see that the liking isn't always reciprocated as much as ds thinks it is.
Maybe her dd is feeling shy about getting to know other kids and is (at home) talking a lot about yours, and the mother wants her to go out of her comfort zone a little.

traceybath · 14/09/2010 14:14

I have encouraged DS1 to have lots of friends albeit in a more subtle fashion.

I did this because there was/is one child who he adores but they are a dreadful combination and always end up in trouble when they're together.

She sounds a little odd though.

proudnglad · 14/09/2010 14:20

There sounds like there is more to this.

esmeroo · 14/09/2010 14:23

I've found one or two very odd mothers since daughters been at school.

Cant give you any advice really,sorry, you'll get used to all kinds of strange behaviour of the moms!

Original poster

grasava · 14/09/2010 14:28

I can understand her not wanting M to "put all her eggs in one basket" so to speak, but M went to playgroup for three terms more than DS, when he started and they became friends, the staff thought it was great as DS and M brought out the best in eachother, played nicely and M became more confident, its not like they are a nightmare combination. I think the mum is trying to force the friendships of other kids, but M keeps going back to DS. I guess I'll just have to leave her to it, as long as he is not affected.

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NorbertDentressangle · 14/09/2010 14:33

I agree that you will get parents that try to engineer their childs friendships. Just step back let them get on with it. The reality is you can't make children be friends with other children

DS has a friend whose Mum is like that -the Mum spends her entire time in the playground arranging 'playdates' with select children, signing him up for the same activities the others are doing etc.

These parents also commented on the fact that DS had invited (shock, horror!!) girls to his birthday party as their son wouldn't dream of that

Pheebe · 14/09/2010 15:04

I had a very similar situation last year. DS1 has been best friends with a girl since they were 1 yo at nursery together. Her mum and I became (what I thought was) quite good friends. Her DD was completely obsessed with my DS, which I can see would have been somewhat annoying for her, nevertheless they were only little so we arranged lots of time together for them. Anyway, when they started school last year she basically dumped DS, stopped inviting him round, refused all invitations for her DD to come here. She also ran a little vendetta against my DH and in the end had a barny with him about something unrelated and said some awful things about our friendship and we haven't spoken since (although gratifyingly she's trying to re-establish contact now and I've closed the door on it). My take on it now i can think about it without getting upset was that it was all to do with her being desperate for her daughter to be a 'popular girl', she is also desperate to be popular with the other mums who are all also now getting sick of her (sadly).

I would encourage your DS to make other friends too, not in a pushy mum way, just encourage the friendships he makes for himself.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 14/09/2010 15:39

It sounds like she really wants to get her daughter away from being best friends with your son. Can you think of any reason why this might be? How do the two of you get on? Is it only girls she wants her to be friends with? It just seems really odd of her.

Original poster

grasava · 14/09/2010 15:52

We get along fine, and are often invited to hers for bbq's etc. Her middle child is friends with my dd, but not best friends, and she tries to force their friendship too, but dd although likes her dd, has closer friends. Maybe she is just projecting her own insecurities onto her kids. The boy/girl thing has never been an issue before, and they get along really well, it seems so sad that she can't just let them be.

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Original poster

grasava · 16/09/2010 18:46

OMG this woman has now taken to completely blanking my DP and we have no idea why!! Blatantly looking away to avoid eye contact etc.
I am at the point of ringing her and saying "WTF is your problem", bur DP (who has issues after being bullied at school for years) says I should just leave it. I can't believe we have gone from playdates at eachothers houses, in the park, family BBQ's older kids sleepovers, birthday parties to this.......and we have no idea why!!
It is really p'ing me off [angry}

OP posts:

bigfootbeliever · 16/09/2010 18:48

Does she use MN? Could she have recognised herself in your question?

Weird!

Original poster

grasava · 16/09/2010 19:02

I have no idea, s'pose its a possibilty, but I haven't said anything mean about her, just don't understand her behaviour.
Oh, and if you are reading this....WHATS GOING ON??? what have we done????

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bigfootbeliever · 16/09/2010 19:15

Maybe she caught your DP and her DP making mad passionate love in front of the log burner??

Maybe she has been secretly jealous of your chocolate cup-cake recipe for years and has decided this is the way to pay you back.

Maybe she's madly in love with you and cant take it any more so has decided to break off all ties with you.

Maybe she's just a silly cow! (perhaps the most likely)

StreathamHillary · 16/09/2010 19:18

Your ds has been practicing some unusual anti-social habits without your knowledge?

mummy2theboys · 16/09/2010 19:21

She sounds like a total chump to me and manipulative as well as insecure. I have seen it many times, believe me she looks like a total control freak and she always will. This will be the tip of the ice berg, bet she is the one up at school complaining about all the nonsense teachers don't have time or energy for.

alicet · 16/09/2010 19:28

Just to play devils advocate...

Maybe you are reading too much into this. I too arranged lots of playdates for my son over the summer so he could meet up with other children in his reception class even though he knew 2 (one a girl) very well. I just thought this might make things easier for him when he started. She might have known that Maisie in fact only knew her dd so was calling for her to go in with maisie to help her out and not as a slight to you at all.

And she may not have blanked your dh but rather had something else on her mind. I do this - walk around in my own dream world when I have a lot on my mind, and could well have blanked people like this in the past!

I would just ignore it and let your children do their thing. Either they will be friends or they won't, and either you will remain friends with this mum or you won't. If you get more of this type of behaviour I would ask her (calmly and politely not in a confrontational way) if you or your ds have done anything to upset her / her dd. But otherwise I would just leave it.

Easywriter · 16/09/2010 19:32

Grasava is your kid the ugly one that some other poster is claiming never to have taken to on another thread??

Just ignore her behaviour. As other posters have said your daughter will choose her own friends.

Original poster

grasava · 16/09/2010 19:43

bigfoot....LOL, but I don't make cupcakes!

Alicet, I appreciate your comments, and I have thought that maybe there is stuff going on for her that we don't know about.

Who knows...I'll just let her stew in her jucies, and let the kids do whatever they like.

Easywriter.. no, he is gorgeous, but I would say that wouldn't I!!

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