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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks I am - I think he may be being unrealistic...

24 replies

Lovecat · 13/09/2010 15:23

Quick backstory - DH and I both have weight issues. I was slim when I met him (23 years ago) but he has always struggled, esp. since he gave up playing football, and we both love our food, so we've gradually got larger over the years.

We did Lighterlife 2 years ago when I needed to lose weight quickly for an operation. I lost 3.5 stone, but over the last year I've put back 2.5 of it. DH lost 4 stone but has put it all back on plus a bit.

My drama group is doing a show where lots of light-coloured trousers/shorts are needed to be 'distressed' for costume and I know DH has several pairs with a 32" waist which he bought at his lowest weight (even at his slimmest in the earlier, sporty, years he was a 34"), that I assumed he would not be wanting.

I was looking through our wardrobe for them and said to him 'you're never going to fit into these again, can I have them for the show' - cue massive sulk from DH, indignation that I think he's never going to lose that much weight again and hurt that I think of him as 'fat'.

Thing is, he is. Fat. So am I. I freely admit I am, but it upsets him when I say anything about it.

I don't want to go back to LL again as it didn't feel healthy or succeed in making any long-term changes to me (our "counsellor" was a bit rubbish, tbh), but he thinks it's the answer to all our problems and wants to go back and lose the weight again. Tbh, even if he does, I know fine he's going to put it all back on again as soon as he stops. He makes no effort to change his habits at all.

So, am I being unreasonable/hurtful/mean to think he's never going to be a 32 waist again and at the age of 45 he should be happy to be a 34-36 when his natural build is the stocky rugby-player type (he's currently a 38-40)?

And is it really that bad of me to take 2 pairs of sand-coloured trousers from his wardrobe when he has another 8 IDENTICAL pairs in varying sizes already in there? (I reckon he forgets he's got them and buys more, can't think why else he has so many pairs!)

OP posts:
Smilehighclub · 13/09/2010 15:27

Put them back. If it upsets him then I think you should keep them.

He may fit them again one day he may not. YABU.

IsabellaSwan · 13/09/2010 15:31

Have to say I think YABU - they are his clothes, not yours, so he gets to decide what happ[ens to them. You weren't particularly tactful in the way you asked him for them, either, so I'm not surprised he didn't react with unbridled generosity.

As an aside, do you often criticise his weight? You say that "it upsets him when I say anything about it", so presumably you have raised the issue on several occasions. Why do you do that if you know it upsets him? Also why do you think "he should be happy to be a 34-36" - surely he gets to decide what weight he's happy at? Would you accept him telling you what he thought you should weigh?

YunoYurbubson · 13/09/2010 15:32

YABU.

They are his trousers.

And YAB unsupportive. It is A Good Thing if he plans to lose weight, instead of being resigned to being 4 stones overweight for the rest of his life.

MandyMcFly · 13/09/2010 15:36

I actually don't think you were unreasonable! Just realistic.

It wasn't an attack on his weight, you just were asking for them. Maybe it wasn't the most tactful way of asking but I think he is definitely overreacting, probably just in denial about his weight.

Original poster
Lovecat · 13/09/2010 15:41

Okay... I don't criticise his weight. I am v. supportive of his desire to lose weight, but not when he eats the healthy meal that I have cooked and then raids the fridge 2 hours later or sends out for a kebab because he's still hungry.

He self-criticises all the time, and moans about how big he is (the rare times I have agreed aloud is when it upsets him) but then does nothing about it, so I get a bit fed up with it.

The reason I said 34-36 was because I feel that for him, knowing him and given our long history together, that it's a sustainable weight/size for him. The only other time (apart from 2 weeks at the end of LL) when he was a 32 waist was when he was 12, so I do think he's being unrealistic. It would be like me saying I should be a size 8. I could attain a size 8, and have done so in the past, but I could not eat normal, healthy portions and expect to remain like that - I'm just not built that way.

I also think (having done it) that LL is NOT a good way to sustainably lose weight. Possibly if he paid attention to the CBT they offer, but he just takes his packets and gets out of there, then wonders why he puts the weight back on afterwards.

Fair points re them being his trousers. The next time he tells me I have an unreasonable amount of shoes I shall point to the 10 pairs of identical trousers languishing in his wardrobe. :)

OP posts:
mumeeee · 13/09/2010 17:33

YABU. He may lose weight and be able to wear them again. But even if he doesn't they are his trousers

taintedpaint · 13/09/2010 17:45

I agree with the masses, bottom line is that the trousers belong to him. Obviously there is another issue at play with the weight and how it makes you both feel. Couldn't your DH go to Lighter Life on his own and you try Weight Watchers or something like that? Is there a specific reason you need to do the same diet?

needafootmassage · 13/09/2010 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PinkElephant73 · 13/09/2010 18:14

Dilys you would probably favour me as I have given many items away on Freecycle, and I also send polite messages which I hope I spell and punctuate correctly. However to be honest I could afford to buy all these things new if I wanted.

Personally I wouldn't say no to people who have not offered in the past, as several of the people I have given to have been youngsters setting up a new home, a charity, and people who have just moved to the area - (either that or they were all very good actors when I have met and chatted to them)

PinkElephant73 · 13/09/2010 18:15

Sorry wrong thread - not sure what happene thered!

mumbar · 13/09/2010 18:32

I'm a bit on the fence with this one. You sound unsupportive but I think thats as words can seem harsh on the screen but I really think that you are just being realistic and using the not going to be a 32" as an argument about why you should get the trousers!!!

Could you get some in a charity shop??

You are right that if your DH wants to lose weight he is going to have to follow through with a plan.

Morloth · 13/09/2010 18:52

'you're never going to fit into these again, can I have them for the show'

Ouch

diddl · 13/09/2010 19:08

TBH I would just have taken them!

I´m sorry but the truth hurts-but he´s a grown man!

But come on, you were saying he was unlikely to fit into 32inch waist trousers-not that he looks like a bloody weeble!

YANBU!

miracled · 13/09/2010 19:14

I agree with diddl, and to go back to lighter life is mad and so unhealthy. If he really wants to lose the weight suggest he tries Slimming World, you can eat loads and it does work.

piscesmoon · 13/09/2010 19:16

YABU -he can get down in weight if he really wants to. I had decided that, at my age, I couldn't and put my slimmer clothes in a charity bag. I then went to Rosemary Conley classes and lost 2 and a half stone and wanted my clothes back! I have kept it off, but the secret is not to see it as a diet but to change your eating habits for life.

AliGrylls · 13/09/2010 19:17

YABU. You should be encouraging. I would hate it if someone told me I would never be slim again.

I would also say don't focus on his weight if you want to be supportive. Both of you should focus on being fit and healthy and your weight will take care of itself. If you focus on weight you will always be unhappy with yourself and will subconsciously set yourself up for failure.

thisisyesterday · 13/09/2010 19:22

yanbu to want to use the trousers. like you say, he has a long way to go before they'll ever fit and you might as well use them

yabu to assume you can take them, and to say something so tactless as "you're never going to fit into these again..."

i think you should apologise to him. but ask him if you can use them for the show. amnd when he has lost weight he can have new ones anyway

ullainga · 13/09/2010 20:06

Imagine if it was the other way. I have some tiny skirts on my wardrobe. It is highly unlikely I will ever fit into them again, but one can still hope. And if DH now took it and said "It's not like you are ever going to fit into this!" ..well, he might be right, but it would still hurt.

So "You have 8 pairs and they are old-fashioned anyway" would have been a better explanation.

cupcakesandbunting · 13/09/2010 20:17

I have kept a size 10 pair of jeans from when I was 19. I have been between a size 14-18 until just recently. I am now a size 12 and am still going with the weight loss. I WILL fit into those jeans.

It's not an impossibility at any age. It's mindset. I hope he proves you wrong and gets back into them :)

Mumi · 13/09/2010 20:37

If the boot was on the other foot and he'd said this to you, many an MNer would want to ask you if this was the latest incident in a pattern of abuse.

I know this was an off-hand comment and he may not fit into them before you need them for the show, but he may prove you wrong one day soon and I hope he does.

YABU and you owe him an apology.

diddl · 13/09/2010 20:45

Sorry but I don´t get all this "you should be encouraging".

He´s a grown man who can lose weight if he wants, not a child.

Original poster
Lovecat · 13/09/2010 20:49

Coo, this has taken off a bit!

If he'd said that to me, Mumi, I'd have cheerfully agreed there was no way I'd fit into them again and I was only hanging onto them for sentimental reasons (as I do actually have several 1980's things in my wardrobe that I'm never going to fit into again unless I have severe liposuction, a gastric band AND never eat again). I wouldn't have let him use them as the whole point is that they need to be ripped up for the show.

I would love him to lose weight, not least for his health, I don't know where some of you have got the impression that I don't want him to, tbh.

As for this 'hope he proves you wrong' 'never be slim again' business - dear, dear, some of you are reading waaay too much into this - it wasn't like I danced around him wobbling his gut and singing "you're gonna be lardy forever, fatboy!"Hmm

For his height and build, if he were a 34 waist he would be slim. I simply don't think he's going to be SUSTAINABLY skinny-to-the-point-of-looking-ill again. A 6 foot man of his build should not weigh 11.5 stone, which was what he was when he had a 32 waist on LL.

But yes, I was being unreasonable about the keks and could have phrased it better.

:)

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovecat · 13/09/2010 20:51

Thank you, diddl.

OP posts:
SloanyPony · 13/09/2010 22:33

YABU on the basis that it is up to him whether he puts weight back on after LL, not you.

It is up to him whether he will lose the weight again, not you.

And it is up to him whether he will give his trousers away, not you.

He is the only one who decides. You may be good at predicting what he will decide, being his wife, but it is still him deciding.

You know this, of course, but you weren't very sensitive.

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