being mad with my mum

[gammy]

Hi , I really need advice about this.
My Mum and Dad look after my children whilst I work. She has a strong relationship with them. She didn't come to my DD1 birthday party due to an argument I had with her last year.
Last year I was putting together a 6th birthday party for approx 30 kids. I was making the sandwiches etc. slightly stressed, as one would be. She came in to my house shouting the odds. I basically shouted back and told her to get out of my house and to FOff. (Not good but she was out of order).
She didn't turn up last year. This year nothing was said to me, that is, about not turning up or anything. She didn't turn up to DD1 party. My Dad did my brother did as did MIL but not my mum. I just think she is such a cow for taking it out in spite on my DD1.

It depends.

Have you apologised to your mum for telling her to F-off? Have you explained you were stressed and made a mistake?

Have you seen your mother throughout the year? You said the children stay with your parents while you work. Did you ever apologize for telling her to eff off? Or has it been icy between you two since?

It depends what 'shouting the odds' means really
must have been bad to have told her to eff off but then you still use her for free childcare ?

Did you invite her to this years party?

Why havent you in the space of a year tried to 'make up' with her?

Tbh its a bit hard faced to use her for childcare but have told her to F-off out off your house.

Things do get said in the heat of the moment but then Sorry doesnt take long to put things right.

YabVu.

very sad. I lost my lovely mother last year having already lost dad and it is so sad to read posts like this.
You need to contact her and sort out your squabbles while you still have her

Its hard to know if you are being U without knowing what "shouting the odds are" You are willing to use her for free childcare but you get all shitty and tell her to fuck off when she comes to your house, and don't bother to actually ask her if she is coming to her DGC party.

mumoverseas that is awful but not all parents are the same. Some family squabbles can not be worked out. My 'mother' disowned me when I was 4. If something happened to her I really couldn't give a toss. I resent the fact that she has fucked off and lived her life exactly as she pleased while just dumping me and not giving a toss. You can't expect everyone else to make up because you lost your wonderful parents. Not all parents are that wonderful.

detective I'm sorry about your mum and can understand why you feel the way you do.

I just get a bit emotional when I read threads like this. I didn't talk to my mum for a few weeks before she died (I was abroad and didn't talk as regularly as I'd have liked/should have) and I will have to live with that guilt.

you both sound as bad as each other

you use your parents for childcare, but when you argue, make no effort to sort it out.

you then get upset that she does not come to DD's party, even though you had a big ro w and you told her to get out and eff off?

why would she think she was welcome?

you think she's a cow, i imagine she thinks the same of you

sit down, talk like adults and move on

OP-did you ever apologise?

I wouldn´t go back to where I´d been told to F off.

Has she still been looking after your children since then?

If so, I would say that she´s not taking it out on the children.

Hi, Thanks for the replies. Some background As I vaguely remember it the whole thing exploded due to she came to help out for the party (brill). I had started all the preparation and had done nearly 80% of all the sandwich making carrot chopping fruit dehulling etc etc as I started about 8 am and my mum turned up at 11am for a party that started at 1.30. Which is fine by me as head down and get on with it.
She told me that I shouldn't have done anything before she had got there. (Which puzzled me cos it would have been a really mad rush in two hours) I just said well its done now and there was still loads to do (I?m an over caterer sort of type).
I think she then gave a general run down of all the things that I had prepared that shouldn't be given at a party such as carrot sticks, cucumber, olives (I do good and the bad at kids parties so there are chocolate biscuits and crisps aswell) So I was getting more annoyed but Im used to this type of wheeze so let it lie. Something about the drinks and table clothes, can?t really remember.
I think the main thing that peed me off was one look at my home made cake, which I was dead proud of, and she said that she could nip to m&s to get a white fruit cake that they do for christenings.
The homemade cake was pink princess castle helpfully decorated by DD1. ie it was a pink monstrosity but what the heck its a kids party and DD1 loved it. (I have been asked since to make someone elses for them in a similar style so it wasn?t that bad.
So that was when the fishwife came out of me and I ask her very impolitely to get out of my house.

Ok so that?s my side. Sorry this is so long and convoluted.
That day she didn't turn up to party. Next day I said probably not much but have said sorry in an awful teenage way since. I?m in my 40's. It doesn't make good reading I know.
Since then nothing was said. Everything was perfectly fine. Not even a hint about not coming to DD1 party this year.

As for free child care. I really appreciate it. But I have had to battle my parents for my children to go to nursery as I believe its good for them to go and socialise and they really enjoy it. My M&D say that they are the best option and really enjoy having them.
So oldest is at school and youngest is 3 mornings and 2 full days at nursery. My parents especially my Dad are besotted with my kids I am really lucky, I have the best of both worlds. That?s why I am puzzled as to why hold a grudge for a year!!!!
The next day after DD1 party this year I went round and talked about the party to her. She didn?t say why she didn?t come and I didn?t ask. Because honestly I don?t want to start a huge argument and I think the most part of it is that I actually preferred her not to be there cos it much calmer and easier for me, but mostly I?m sad cos she in wanting to hurt me is hurting DD1. If she had said earlier she wasn?t coming I could have done something about mending the perceived broken bridges. She didn?t so what?s the use. Maybe she doesn?t want to hurt me but then what.??
We are as bad as each other but I still think she is toxic.

It was a year ago - let it go. You were both upset and your lucky to have her support.

A real shot in the dark but is it possible DD1 asked nanny not to be there as she upset mummy the year before???

My DS is just 6 and is starting to say things in my defence standing up for me that actually sound rude but is a 6yo trying to help.

It's difficult to know what she was thinking without there being anything in between last year and now - no apologies?/No discussion at all?
She doesn't sound like a grandmother who wants to spite her granddaughter.
Maybe she thought it best her granddaughter didn't hear her mother telling her to f-off.

Hi thanks for the comments. Minxie 1977
The original incident was a year ago. The DD1 birthday came round again and she didn't turn up. GD did as did brother. (how do you write brother in short hand)

DD1 & DD2 didn't hear shouty exchange as was sent off to park with her dad. I don't swear even a little bit infront of children. How ever exasperated I become.

Although a huge silence from DD1 about GM not coming.
MIL was there though. She did sterling work. Now even more upset as to think that DD1 may be trying to protect me or GM.

So I´m confused

Your mum has not been to two parties-but has been seeing you & your children in that year or not?

She shouldn't have critised all the food like that and she certainly shouldn't have offered to go and buy a plain cake after you had made and decorated one yourself but you really did overreact. I am guessing there is a history there though and this seemed to be a step too far.

WRT to the party, you didn't ask her if she was coming, she didn't come, then neither of you sorted it out the day after. If you want her there for the sake of your DD, you are going to have to be the adult and speak to her about it. Tell her that your DD missed her GM at the party. You are both acting like children wrt the party.

gammy - how will you feel if your DD tells you to FOff in a few years time...

This was an argument between you and your Mum. Whatever the merits of your respective actions one year ago, your Mum is BU because she has dragged your DD into the dispute unnecessarily.

You need to raise this with your Mum and let her know that if she is still holding a grudge then she needs to raise that with you. Taking it out in a way which upsets DD is unacceptable. Your Mum should apologise to your DD for failing to turn up to her party.

Thanks for all the comments and sorry for being so slow getting back.

diddl yes that's right we see her most days. She did not come to three actually as DD2 Birthday was a couple of weeks after the first big shouty. That?s why I was so taken aback and peeved by her not turning up to DD1 this year.

Detective potato
Your are spot on that?s what an sensible person would do. But absolutely dread it. As its all sort of calm on the surface at the moment and don't want to pick at the sore.

glasscompletely broken

Not if probably when as am getting slightly worried about teenage years even now. I would hopefully deal with it and not take it out on her children if she has any.

Scroobious pip
MMMMmmmm another completely sensible piece of advise.

I suppose I will have to bite the bullet. Would rather wait till there is another argument and then throw it into the mix to prove that she is being unreasonable. Like a spineless coward that i am.

Thanks again