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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DSD should be allowed to come to DDs birthday party?

49 replies

bratnav · 12/09/2010 23:25

DSDs Mum has refused to let her come to DDs birthday party tomorrow after school. Both girls are heartbroken that she won't be there.

Her Mum said when DH asked that she had plans for the afternoon, DH asked if it would be possible to change them as it's her sisters birthday party and she said no. They are both going to a party after school on Tuesday.

Bit of background detail, we have shared residency and all the girls attend the same school.

OP posts:
bottyburpthebarbarian · 13/09/2010 11:44

Why do people do this?

I may come on here and vent (and it is a fucking lifesaver at times) but I would never ever disappoint or upset my kids just to get back at my ex.

Some people are beyond comprehension.

Original poster
bratnav · 13/09/2010 11:59

Thanks all, ER that is appalling, it really is heartbreaking how some people treat their children. Your DSDs mum sounds even worse than mine :(

You're all right of course, all DH and I can do is minimise the damage to DSD and be there for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
bratnav · 13/09/2010 12:36

ER, we were going to get a court order to formalise and hammer out arrangements for DSD but from what you've said it would make no difference?

OP posts:
ElenorRigby · 13/09/2010 13:08

Depends on the attitude of your DSD's mother really and probably what her agenda is at any given time.

DP had a shared residence order for DSD and 40% contact time. In our case DSD's mothers agenda changed when she met a new man. She always said a new man would be a new "Daddy". That was the motivation for what followed.
Slowly things changed, starting with stopping DD going to DSD's bday party. There were other happenings too but we didnt put them together, until bam! police knocked on our door after allegations we made by the ex. SS got going/ all contact stopped. The shared res order was not worth the paper it was written on.
It took months and 5-6 court hearings to get even meagre contact back, that despite SS and police closing investigations without even talking to me or DP.

I now know that a father and step mum have no control or redress within this system, oh and that most sadly children come last.
No judge, police officer or social worker gave the least HINT of a stuff of the relationship between the sisters. DSD has been damaged, DD was showing distressed behaviour but luckily she is so young she did not realise how long she had been separated from her sister.

You have to carefully look at your situation, to see if court action would be beneficial. For that you need to think long and hard about how your DSD's mother would react in given situations.

Fathers and step mums really just have to count their blessings when things are going well for the kids but accept and be prepared for anything at any time. Its like canoeing I suppose lol! Sometimes the rivers wide and smooth, other times its rocky and dangerous. Either way, all you can do it steer a course. There is no control, you just have to take it as it comes.

Best of Luck to you and yours, bratnav x :)

Original poster
bratnav · 13/09/2010 15:06

That is truly shocking ER :(

Thank you so much for posting, DH and I have a lot of thinking to do.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 13/09/2010 15:20

How long ago did your husband ask his ex about the party? If it's a party that has been planned for weeks and he only asked his ex a few days ago then i don't blame her for being awkward. I agree it is unfair on the girl though, but she is old enough to spot this as unfair.
Getting "heartbroken" that your sister can't come to your party sounds a bit OTT though.
Suspect when I was younger I wouldn't have cared that much if my sibs weren't at my parties as long as my friends were there and my mum made meringues

Original poster
bratnav · 13/09/2010 15:40

The party was planned and the Invitation offered about 2 weeks ago. Actually all the girls (2 DDs and DSD) are VERY upset that she won't be here, because they are SS and not biological sisters they have a wonderful relationship which is part friend and part sister, maybe a bit different.

Why don't you blame her for upsetting her DD for no good reason?

OP posts:
2rebecca · 13/09/2010 16:07

Because I'm just hearing 1 side of the story.

Tiddlybear · 13/09/2010 16:24

ER it is totally incorrect to state that all dads and step mums have a hard time compared to BM - that is your experience and does not match lots of others.

I agree it sounds unfair on the girls and ideally it would be great if they were both at the party.
I alwayd find that I am asked during my time with dc that it is ex's relative party etc and I try and be accomodating for the dc's sake. It can eat considerably into precious time with dc at the weekend eg right in the middle of a day but on the couple of occassion sometihng related to me that I think would be important for dc to attend, I am accussed of trying to minimize time he has with dc which is not the case- and I accpet the answer of "no" as it isn't my time but try not to say no back if I think is in dc's interest.

In my case as resident parent it is thought that can be interupted to suit all and sundry but the non-resident parent has protected time.

It may be that DH's ex is a selfish nutter, I don't know that but I agree with 2rebecca that she may tell a different story.

Original poster
bratnav · 13/09/2010 16:41

Fair point Rebecca :)

Tiddly, we are equally resident parents and to be fair we do try to be accommodating to requests from her, for example the only week she was 'able' to visit her parents abroad this summer was a week that was 'our' time with DSD. We agreed immediately as we could see DSD would ultimately be the one to suffer if we said no. Many similar stories over the last 3 years but as you said, I'm sure she has some
From her POV too.

OP posts:
Original poster
bratnav · 13/09/2010 20:20

DH and DD2 have just spoken to DSD, she was at after school club then came home and watched tv :(

OP posts:
bottyburpthebarbarian · 13/09/2010 20:21

Awh Bratnav that is truly shite for DSD

Original poster
bratnav · 13/09/2010 20:46

I really really really want to send her a text to let her know that this just can't happen. I don't give a damn how many times she tells DH to fuck off/stop trying to control her life/her DP is none of his business so he can't meet him. I can cope with all the crap she sends our way, but when she does this and causes the children to be upset for no reason than for her to be difficult with us, shes crossed the line. I am so upset and angry right now.

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desertgirl · 13/09/2010 21:27

sorry if I missed it but how old are they?

am sure they will figure it out before long, which will come back and bite your DH's ex, but that is not much help now.

What a shame. Is there more history (like were you her BFF who then had a fling with her DH? sorry!) to explain her going off the rails?

thumbwitch · 13/09/2010 21:50

Your poor DSD - that is so crap. I do hope you can do something nice with the girls to make up for it somehow.

Original poster
bratnav · 13/09/2010 22:30

They are 6, well DD2 is 7 today. No, I met DH about 9-10 months after they separated. If I had been the OW I could understand it a little better :(

We will do something cool with them next week when DSD is back with us.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 14/09/2010 00:31

Bratnav - you just feel like you want to do something don't you like slap her around the chops send her a text/email/solicitors letter.

I think you should record as much of her 'unfair' behaviour as you can remember and go and see your solicitor again.

I have no direct experience - but from the hundreds of stories I have read on here over the years and friends - it really seems down to how good a solicitor you have! There are some good ones on here who should be able to point you in the right direction if you ask x

Original poster
bratnav · 14/09/2010 00:50

Chipping you are so lovely, feel like you're my MN big sis this week :)

Im taking the girls to school tomorrow morning and am dreading seeing her. I don't think our very middle class school is ready for it's own version of Jerry Springer.

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Original poster
bratnav · 14/09/2010 00:52

I think just going through MN posts would bring most of it up, God bless MN, really has saved my sanity what's left of it

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ChippingIn · 14/09/2010 01:04

Right Little Sis Bratnav shoulders back, chest out, head up - ignore, ignore, ignore - gush over DSD if you see her.

Solicitors ASAP - if yours is crap - get a new one. It seems to be the difference between resolution & feeling powerless!

But if you feel the need to slap her - give me a whistle and I'll come and hold her down!!

Original poster
bratnav · 14/09/2010 01:07

Cheers Chipping but I can definitely take her, shes 5'2" and about 7 stone, hmmmm

Solicitors appointment to be made tomorrow.

Night big sis :)

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 14/09/2010 01:09

Night x

Greensleeves · 14/09/2010 01:15

just wanted to second that you are fab ChippingIn, you have really made me think this week, and been lovely and supportive

it's appreciated xx

ChippingIn · 14/09/2010 12:01

Greeny I just wish there was more I could do xx

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