that my exh has introduced new gf to kids without telling me (know I am tell me to get my act together).

[prettypurpledaisy]

Separated from exh in November last year. He has a new dp. I dont have a problem with this as I am so much happier without him (hard though it is). Took my dcs to meet her this weekend. AIBU to expect him to run it by me first? DD is 16 and DS 13 not that this matters but thought i would throw it in.
It is hard enough that he has more money than me and throws it at them when he sees them but then this too.
Feel very inadequate :(
tell me to get over myself I know I ABU.

yes,sorry,YABU

Unless you run every parenting decision past him first than YABU. However it must be a relative short term relationship so he may have done it a little soon.

I think logically you're maybe being a tad unreasonable, but no-one really reacts to issues like this logically and it wouldn't have hurt for him to run it past you first. How did the kids take it?

I think it would have been nice if he could have told you about this first. Obviously not ask your permission but ... you know? ... be a little bit thoughtful about it.

Still, it sounds like he is not a particularly thoughtful person as you are happier without him.

Yanbu though.

Not run it by you in the sense of ask permission, but notify you so you could make appropriately positive noises about it would be reasonable. Did your kids know beforehand that they were going to meet her? I don't think springing it on them is entirely reasonable, although perhaps it makes it more low-key?

Why feel inadequate? What he chooses to do has no reflection on your adequacy. Good for you for making a new life for you and your dc, keep up the good work!

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to expect a bit of courtesy from your XH. Whilst I don't think he needs your permission, I think it polite if nothing else, that he just lets you know that this was his plan for that particular weekend if for no other reason than you can be better prepared for the sake of your children should they have any concerns about new DP. Well not necessarily concerns, but they're bound to have feelings on Dads new DP aren't they.

I feel inadequate as I just do the boring mundane things and don't have money to throw around. I feel very boring tbh.
I know i ABU, tribot he sprung it on them they were a little shocked bless them.
I should be happy that she was nice to them and bought DD a birthday present. But I am not :(.
Thanks for the replies they have helped me put things in perspective :)

Hi OP. I just wanted to say that YANBU for feeling upset about this.

I'm a single parent too and after my ExH left me for his GF, it took a long time before I could accept that she would be a part of my DS's life.

I got there in the end and things and things became so much easier. Ironically, they are no longer together.

The point is that you are only human and it's understandable that you'd feel the way you do. But of course I dont think you should make a fuss. Just be dignified (you sound like you are anyway). And please don't feel inadequate. There's no amount of money in the world that can take the place of a loving mum.

If you post in Lone Parents I know you will get a lot of support from other parents who feel the non-resident parent has options, whether financial or whatever, that make it easier for them to be the "fun parent" whilst you carry the main burden of being the "unfun" one. And in your ex's defence, he may feel guilty/upset about not seeing them more and trying to make up with it with cash because he doesn't know what else to do. (That's not knowing anything about your back story).

Kids like presents. Hell, everyone likes presents! But very, very few of us form our long term judgements on who loves us the most based on who bought the best presents.

Understandable to feel sad that he has introduced someone new to their lives. It's another milestone in your separation - let's hope one day you will be in a position to do the same . (And tackle it a bit more sensitively!)

Chance would be a fine thing tribpot :) too busy washing, ironing, cleaning, cooking and preparing lessons for school.
Thanks for all the replies, chin up best foot forward and all that :)

Heh. My mum became a single mum in the 1970s - me and my bro were 3 and 1 respectively - and in 1978 met a wonderful man who she married in 1979 and is still married to to this day.

Recipe for success? Have a best friend who is buying a house off a divorcé who thinks "hmmm, MamaTrib might like this bloke" and brings you round ostensibly to measure up for curtains.

The best friend still lives in that house too, and I've just been chatting on Gmail with her dd (not born at the time) who is in New Zealand. No relevance whatsoever except to show how the world changes!

When I was with my ExH he was never around for me or the DC. However, after we split up his weekends with the children were far more exciting going to theme parks, to the beach etc.

However, ExH still officially lives at his mums, but works 4 hours away, and has built up a new life in his new town. When he has DC, (which has been reduced to once a month now due to long distance) he still takes DC to his mums and they are bored, bored, bored!!

He inadvertently sent me a txt ( meant for the G/f) a while back, but he hasn't inrotduced her to his DC. I would rather he did this or took them home to his new abode 4 hours away, as i feel they aren't really part of his life anymore, and do they really know who he is?

YANBU, but life moves on.

Also when he is at his mums she expects him to do DIY all weekend, so the kids feel in the way, at a loss and bored.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. A family member did this exact thing to his ex-wife and it caused all sorts of problems. He was a little surprised that we all read him the riot act rather than agreeing that she was unhinged.

My ex did this as well. Like you I had no problem about him having a partner - I left him and am happier without him so obviously moving on id what happens.
I found out from dc. Found out she was pregnant from a third party.
I have coped with it as you have to.
Just got a copy of the book often recommended on here "Putting children first" a guide for separated parents to help me adapt to everything - and that is one of the things they are clear about- is the way to introduce new partners. It states clearly that should be mentioned to other parent first so that they are aware and can help woth dc adapting. So no you are not being unreasonable - but there is nothing you can do to change how he behaves.

Like you I don't have any chance to meet someone else - hve dc 90% of time - he rarely has them overnight.
Ex didn't tell me apparently becasue he felt it would be rubbing my face in the fact he had someone and I had noone.
I worry that others will think i am pathetic for not having someone as it is such an society expectation and I worry that when new baby comes my dc will see them as the proper family and me as some sad person - but in reality children don't really think like that.

YANBU to feel upset but YABU to think that he should have run it by you.

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but would it have made any difference if he had run it by you? What would you have said? "No"?

I know mine is a different situation, but I hope this helps:

I couldn't bear my dd meeting ex's new dp and going to their home because I felt that dd would witness a joyful, happy family and wish that she could be a part of it - rather than at home with her grieving, struggling, wet-blanket of a mum.

The presents/funtimes issues struck a chord with me too (I just made the dental appointments and hassled her about bedtimes, etc)

I actually asked ex not to take dd round there, knowing I was being a bit unreasonable, but just not being ready to face that one yet (dd was 3, very chatty...) The outcome was, he did it anyway.

It was fine in the long run. I was pleased that dd had a great time while she was there.

PrettyPurple - you're still their mum, the constant in their lives, and I'm sure they appreciate you for that.

I don't think your being unreasonable but I don't think there's much you can do about it and in time it won't seem like such a big deal.

I'm the other way round IYSWIM, in that I'm a separated Dad and a few months after we split ex had a new BF. No problems there after the initial emotional blow, I behaved unreasonably to her - good for her. But when I was with DS for about 2 months he was saying new BFs name whenever he said Mummy (he was 18 months so didn't have a lot of words!) I assumed this meant that new BF was spending time with her and DS, though admittedly that is an assumption.

Anyway I think just out of natural parental curiosity I asked if I could meet him as would be nice to know who this person was if he was spending time with DS. I genuinely planned simply to say hello, no worries and maybe isn't DS great. I also thought it might just make things easier - on some pick ups he was leaving her house to avoid me before coming back again, which seemed a hassle that could have been avoided to me!

However ex didn't want me to meet him for various reasons - linked I think to the things that split us up so fair enough

In the end all I could do was let it go. She has subequently said he's no longer spending much time with DS anymore because they keep splitting up and getting back together so there we go and kudos to her for being a bit cautious on DS behalf in that situation.

Anyway I would echo what everyone else says - it is difficult and you are not being in any way unusual to feel that way. I am sure it is a natural feeling for any parent to be interested in anyone who consistently spends time with their children.

But you are Mummy, you always will be and though children like presents and fun what is most important to them is the support, understanding and love that parents provide.

Oh and don't forget what seems like a lovely, fun, family environment is never, ever like that 24 hours a day - the more people the bigger the chance of all the downsides of family life - disagreements / stress / etc.