So, I've always had a somewhat...fractious relationship with my mum. I'm not a particularly tidy person, she really is. I had DS a week before my 21st, and had moved in with DP, who has depression, a month before. DS is now 2.5, and DD is 8wks.
Our house is still cluttered and rather untidy, but it is a tiny 2up 2down, and there's not enough room to put everything. So there are still boxes of books under beds, and DS's toys take up a lot of space in the living room (which opens out onto the street, we don't have a hall). The house is also very dark and gloomy, and recently I've been trying to find ways to brighten it up a bit, spurred by the arrival of DD.
Anyway, DS threw a massive tantrum the other day after our P&T group, and I was semi-proud of myself for staying utterly calm while he rolled around on the pavement saying he didn't want to go home. (It was the first session back after the holidays) I called my mum, and mentioned it. She instantly said, "Oh, you know why that happened, don't you?" and went off on one saying he didn't want to be in our house because it's so dark and untidy, and when he gets older he's going to compare our house to those of his friends and basically resent us for being messy.
I can't remember precisely how the rest of the conversation went, but it was essentially that my house is filthy, and I'm a bad parent for not tidying it up more. Now, my DC are healthy and happy, and Ds has thrown plenty of tantrums because he didn't want to leave the house. He was just tired and cranky. (eek, that sounds very defensive!) So I know I can't be doing things that badly. But it upset me so much that I actually cried afterwards. I did my usual "yes mum" on the phone to get by until DS thankfully needed a nappy change and I could get away.
I mentioned this to DP, and, this being the latest in a line of jibes at how we live, he got annoyed, particularly by how much it upset me. She says things like this every time I see her or mention changes I'm making in the house - such as us buying a new bed, or getting DS a bigger chest of drawers she pipes up about other things we sohuld change, like moving our (somewhat extensive) DVD collection upstairs and using the space to store DS's toys so that we have the living room 'back' of an evening. (Frankly, I don't mind DS's toys sitting in the corner, and I've told her this, but she keeps on.) DP reckons I need to stand up for myself more, and tell her what she's said is hurtful and out of order, but, frankly, I often wonder if it's worth all the hassle. She lives a long way away, and I only see her once or twice a year. And she's my mum. I do get on with her in small doses, as long as I can steer the concversation away from the house (or DP's health - that's a whole other story). So I still haven't said anything about how she's making me feel, despite her having been nagging me for being untidy since... well, literally my whole life. It just seems easier not to because then she'll start moaning about me to my brother and sister (who still live with her) and it would be rotten to make them have to sit through that. Anyway, the upshot of all this is that DP doesn't really want her in the house again (she does live about 6 hours away, so this isn't likely to crop up much), and has said that if she does come round again, he's going to be out of the house while she's here.
Is he overreacting? Is my mum? Am I? TBH, she's been like this all my life and I'm just used to screaming at her in my head but smiling sweetly and then ignoring all her 'advice'. I never quite seem to have the nerve to shout back.