My mum. Driving. Me. Mad. Again.

[JaneS]

I know this is basically my fault as I was stupid enough to bring up the subject. A couple of weeks ago I thought I might be pregnant and found I wasn't. We're not ttc but I got a bit excited then a bit disappointed, as you do. Mum rang just when I'd found out, so I told her why I was upset.

Since then she won't let the subject drop and I've been avoiding her phonecalls (she is very controlling/self-centred, I'm trying in general to keep a bit of distance from her). Last night I did speak to her. She gave me a huge lecture about how I am far too young for children, won't cope, and 'have no idea how hard work a baby is'. Well, no, I don't: nor does anyone who hasn't had one yet! I don't think I'm especially naive though. Mum tells me that having children was incredibly hard, no-one knows how hard, and she 'didn't have a life for years'. Message: I should feel guilty and do what she says.

Now, I'm 25, married, DH and I are renting and know we could easily find a 2-bed flat for the same money. Money is ok, we both get around minimum wage and have some savings. I'm doing a PhD, and would get maternity leave.

I'm so fed up that she thinks a) I'd be unable to cope with a baby. No mention of DH - obviously men don't play a part! and b), I'm annoyed she thinks it's acceptable to tell me she thinks this!

She also included in her lecture that my brother's fiancee (who is 29) needs to be thinking about children urgently, which I think is bloody rude (we've no idea if she, or my brother, even want children and I'm sure they don't need her speculating on it).

AIBU to be angry and not want to talk to her again?

YANBU

My mother can be similar to yours sometimes, and still treats me like I am about 10, saying things like "You haven't left DS in the bath on his own have you?" or "You haven't put his chest of drawers by the window as he might climb up and out...."

Drives me crazy. I do think it is cause they genuinely care and take an interest but unfortunately whereas in day to day life there is a line you don't cross with people, mothers think where their daughters are concerned there is no such line and they can be as intrusive as they like*

*Not all mothers (before I get shot down in flames!)

YANBU to be angry with her. But it sounds to me that she is very bitter and is talking entirely about herself and that she didnt enjoy having children etc (sorry if that sounds harsh as I know you are part of "the children")
You sound in a perfectly good situation. You have long term partner, you are not to youn, you can afford it.
My dh father was a quite a bit like that (he's not dead we just dont talk anymore!)he once told dh that if he had his time again he wouldnt have had him!
As I said we dont speak to him anymore but not because of his insenstive comments.
So you could not talk to her again (I sense their is a lot more goig on than just this), you could tell her how rude and hurtful she has been and how you would be a wonderful mom (but she sounds selfish and irrational so probably would just end in row) or you can think that that is how you definatly wont be when you have children and what a sad life she must have to not support you.
Dont let her get you down and dont take her comments to heart- it is not you-its her!

So, you're too young at 25 and your SIL is approaching being too old at 29? Bit of a short window there to conceive then.

YNBU

I do feel guilty that she didn't enjoy having us - she does feel we were unusually difficult and we may have been. But I just don't see any reason why I'd struggle as much as her - she's capable of getting stressed about a paper bag ripping. And of course I can't say 'ooh, I won't struggle like you did' because that goes on the list of 'stupid things I thought before I had children'. .

I did say it was upsetting that she wasn't happier but she doesn't get it at all. She wasn't sorry, she just thinks it's important I realize how disastrous it would be if I had children.

Exactly, sandstorm. I mean, what exactly is going to happen to me in four years that will make me suddenly ready to be a mum? Of course, she was 28 when she had my brother, so that must be perfect.

Dont feel guilty! Its not your fault. I do like the idea of you saying you wont struggle like she did though!
She does not understand you at all and does seem to have major issues.....but they are not yours, they are hers fom the past.
I do feel a bit sorry for her that she seems to have lived such a negative life, but you are different from her so please try and not let it get to you.

I know, I know. I bet I will struggle, but what I mean is, there's no reason to expect/hope it won't be 'normal' struggling rather than 'my life is ruined' struggling.

She does know my DH does a heck of a lot more than my dad ever did, but I don't think it occurs to her that this might be part of what makes my life a bit easier than hers.

I know the feeling my mother is self centred and controlling, since i chucked my ex out for cheating she is constantly trying to interfere with my life and my kids. she doest like it because i have met a wonderful new man who treats me like a princess and she told me im a bad mother, even though my kids want for nothing and are happy easy going children. We have always had a love/hate relationship i spose in a way i find it hard to forgive her for making me leave home when i was 16, but i gave her another chance and she didnt even apologise, now because i told her to butt out of my business she hasnt spoken to me for the past 3 months but still comes round my house to visit the children she just walks in a different room when im around x

Gosh ... she sounds incredibly immature, momof3. It makes such a difference having a partner on 'your' side though, doesn't it?

"noone knows how hard", does she think she is the only person in the world who has ever had children?

I think it's more that she was very isolated and thinks motherhood is automatically very isolating (which it may be, I wouldn't know and I guess MN wouldn't be so successful if everyone didn't feel the need of other people to chat with). Mind you, when I was growing up I assumed adults didn't have friends as neither of my parents had people they met up with outside work, who weren't family.

It is true I don't know how hard it will be. But if every prospective parent decided not to have children on those grounds, we'd die out pretty quickly!