to have been cross with DH last night

[tholeon]

DH works long hours in city type job, which pays enough for me to be SAHM (to one year old) and shop at Waitrose and Boden. I feel very lucky and grateful to him for doing so well as I love being at home with DS and his work enables me to do that, in comfort. However it does mean we barely see each other during the week (he leaves about 6.30 a.m., gets back about 8.30 or 9.00 p.m. - DS not a brilliant sleeper so I'm normally in bed by 10.00.)

For various reasons getting a babysitter has been complicated and so last night was to have been the second time since DS was born 15 months ago that DH and I were to have gone out together. We had planned to go out for dinner and he had said that he would be back at 7.15 ish, at 8.10 I got a text saying that there had been problems at work and he finally arrived at 8.30. I was cross: for once, I wanted a bit of his time, rather than the office having it.

Was I being unreasonable?

Just a teeny bit. I can see why you were disAppointed, I would be too.

However, with his job that pays well comes responsibility and I dare say he can't just walk out the door when the 5.30 bell goes.

Why plan the night on a Friday anyway. Why not do it on a Saturday. Or how about going out for linch, might be easier to get a babysitter then.

Don't be grumpy with him today. It wasn't his fault, I suspect.

YABU

you don't get the smug "shop at Waitrose and Boden" lifestyle without the crap too

Who cares where you shop, what is the relevance here?

He works very hard to keep you in a lifestyle you are happy with, so work in a way comes first, no work, no lifestyle.

Suck it up YABU.

I think a Saturday night would have been a better plan tbh.

You know long hours go with his job so you can't really complain.

heck was not trying to show off about shopping habits just trying to point out that I do appreciate that I have a nice lifestyle cos of how hard he works!

Accusations of smugness etc a bit harsh I feel.

He works for all sorts of reasons: his personal fulfillment and ambition being two of them. He certainly doesn't do it cos I want him to to keep me in Boden! I would be happier seeing more of him and having less cash, personally. Though I do really like being at home with my son and his job means I can do that.

Also some people would think being at home with a small child (who doesn't sleep, and has been ill) all the time with no help from partner due to work commitments was a job too.

He plays a lot of sport too, so felt last night that if he had had a sporting commitment he would have left the office on time for that, in spite of busyness: so why not for dinner with me?

BigBadMummy thanks for thoughtful comments.

theloen,

I do know where you are coming from though. My DH works long hours and on a Saturday and sometimes Sunday if the customer needs something dropping off.

I know not to make plans on certain nights and if we are going to a gig or the theatre on a Friday night I know that it is always going to last minute when we get there. (hence I often to a gig or theatre by myself if no other mates are interested, it takes the pressure of him)

(What's with the Boden??? are you 60?!!!!)

Look you don't see all that much of him for reasons which you have both agreed on. If you want to spend what time you have arguing about the time you have go ahead but it won't do your mariage any good. I can see whyyour annoyed but you need to let it go and make the best of it. You don't know he would have prioritised sport over work in another situation. Did you at least go out for a drink last night?

Hmm, I agree with BBM, as ever.

I do see your point however on the sport. Many men are like that, perhaps because they see sport as an appointment, an arrangement. Where as a dinner out with partner is more casual, and they expect you to be more understanding.

Mind you, my mum and I are constantly moaning at the difference in the ability of getting our respective partners out of the door if it's something THEY have said they wanted to do, or if it's at OUR request....

Trouble is, it's a vicious circle, you ask him to come home on time so you can go out, and he's lateish, you say something, it's not going to endear him to your plans the next time.

Of course there IS also the notion of him perhaps having a little potential buried resentment, in that he has to get up and slog into the office for hours and hours while you do the SAHM thing... many men struggle with that. Not saying that this is the case here, but it could be a factor.

I can totally understand your disappointment - if it's only the second night out you'd have had in a year, of course you would have wanted him to feel it was as important as you did. But - maybe he did? Maybe he's disappointed as well?

My DH used to work a long day and I found it really tough being on my own with DD while I was on maternity leave so I can appreciate where you're coming from.

Sorry theleon
I wasn't trying to TopTrump you about DH working hours just pointing out that on the days you know he is likely to be busy don't plan anything definate then.

We are free to go out on Saturday night or usually Sunday. We can never go out on Monday or Wednesday in term time because I work then. We work round and plan.

I know how you feel, similar situation with DH though his hours not as long these days (recession, dontcha know)

It always seems to me like when it's something he wants to do, he can get out of work on time, but when it's something I want to do... although part of this is probably just perception, I'm sure he's not doing it deliberately.

What would annoy me, though; your DH was supposed to be home at 7.15, but was still in the office at 8 without letting you know? DH and I have reached a compromise where I don't complain if he has to work late, as long as he lets me know. Otherwise it makes me feel like I'm a long way down his list of priorities, and I'm sure that's not the case .

It's a shame you haven't been able to get out with your husband for a year, and not seeing him in the week... can't be good for your relationship surely?

I don't think yabu at all. If he felt a Friday night wasn't a good night, he should have said so prior to you making plans, booking babysitter etc. Also he should have let you know he was running late before 8.10 if you were expecting him at 7.15.

Quality time with your Dh is important (I say realising I haven't had a night out with dh, or anyone else since February ) and I think it's a shame he ddn't make the effort to get away from work on time just this once.

YANBU at all. The second night in 15 months for goodness sake and he can't turn up on time. And he makes time for sports... I would be fuming. He does sound as if he sounds a bit 'entitled' to do what he wants with his time. What was so urgent at the office on a Friday night, anyway?

The money issue is irrelevant here. Being the provider doesn't give him the right to do what he wants. As you say, you have a full-time job, too.

I really think you need to concentrate on getting a decent babysitter and go out more!

I think that the key thing here for me would have been his attitude about it. If he was apologetic and acknowledged your disappointment and explained what had come up at the office, then I'd let him off.
But if he was all, "so what?" about it, then YANBU.

I'd be furious, but that's not necessarily the 'right' answer.

He should have let you know at 7pm if he hadn't left. [Was it a very definite agreement that he'd be home at 7.15? Or was that just what you thought? If it was a definite agreement, I would ask him about this and say he would not treat a client/ business meeting in that way].

He should have called and said he needed to work and had the choice of finishing it then or going in sometime at the weekend. [Preferable to me to be on time with plans/ assuming you had a babysitter etc. and for him to take a couple of hours out of the weekend].

I would have called him on work landline when I got the text. [Just to make sure he wasn't having a few cheeky Friday night drinks].

You definitely need more time together and more time to focus on you. How about binning waitrose for asda and getting a nanny/ live-out au pair for a few hours a day which would enable you to meet dh for lunch and also give you some valuable time to take care of yourself and your marriage...

...I'd be careful of getting too distant from your dh and being too focussed on your ds - can lead to affairs. [I'm not bitter, dh not had one, but have had friends in that situation].