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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Falling out with mum

26 replies

strawberrymummie · 10/09/2010 23:49

Hi I am a newbie, been looking but first post so please be gentle!Sorry for long post.

Have fallen out with my mum and not sure if AIBU.
Quick history I have a DD age 6 and newborn age 13 weeks. My sister is having a rough time and my mum asked me to lend £1000 so she could private rent instead of the council house she is in, she has 3 kids and has never worked if I pay her deposit govenment will pay £1049 rent per month.
Me and hubbie have a large mortgage and with a new baby I have saved £2000 for my maternity leave and my mum is asking for half of it, its the first time I have ever had savings. I transfered the money after large arguments with my husband who works very hard to pay our bills and my mum did not even call to say thank you for the money, after claiming they cant help my sister I find out they have booked a last min holiday for the next two weeks.
To top it all off it was my daughers 6th birthday and she could not even bother to call and sent a text yet she speaks to my sister daily.
My mum and sister have always been very close and me the outsider this has never bothered me as independant but am starting to feel used and my children play second fiddle, I live 20 min drive from my mum and she has only babysat 3 times in 6 years for my daugher and that was under duress, they have my sisters kids every other weekend. £1000 is alot of money to me and with hubby being self employed 1/2 my savings is alot and I feel its not appreciated. My mum has asked me not to tell my sister I am lending her the money or I may not get it back, am really considering cutting them off as its all take take, AIBU?

OP posts:
Meow75 · 10/09/2010 23:50

You have been used, imo.

Sorry.

kelly2525 · 10/09/2010 23:57

I think you`ve been used too, and i think you have to accept you will never see the money again, im not being harsh, or trying to upset you further, but i REALLY dont think you will ever get a penny of it back

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/09/2010 23:58

"My mum has asked me not to tell my sister I am lending her the money or I may not get it back". So where does your sister think the money is coming from?

Sorry, but I agree with Meow75.

larks35 · 11/09/2010 00:03

Who have you lent the money to? Have you agreed how it will be paid back? If not, you should do that asap. I would suggest that you demand some interest on it too. That is how we do it in our family, it means that the person in need gets the money when unlikely to get it elsewhere and the lender gets a monthly payback. The paying back needs to happen soon and then it will work for you while you are on maternity leave. Don't fall out with mum at this time, it does sound like she treats you badly but she owes you money now so set up an agreement with her (or your sis if she is the one to pay it back) that a certain amount is paid back per month.

Once all is paid back to you then fall out with mum in the most dramatic way you like Grin! I have to say that it does sound like she treats you badly.

thesecondcoming · 11/09/2010 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
strawberrymummie · 11/09/2010 00:04

They have told her the money is coming from a friend of the family"as if she knew it was me when she is short one month may not worry about missing a payment"

OP posts:
larks35 · 11/09/2010 00:08

So does that mean you will be paid back in monthly installments? Also, if she isn't aware it is a family member then she can't object to a small amount of interest, can she?

zipzap · 11/09/2010 00:15

Did you put any conditions on it when you lent it to her?

Might be worth trying to get something agreed - at least date-wise as to when you want it back or some sort of payment schedule - say £100/month. Guessing that you didn't mention any interest you would be losing as a result of not having your savings in the bank - don't know if it is worth trying to get something back towards that too (although given interest rates are so low at the moment might not be worth the hassle factor).

If your mum says that she doesn't want you to tell your sis about it then fine, just say that the loan is to her and it is up to her to repay you.

But would definitely try to get something down in writing and make sure that the payment goes via your bank account to her bank account and isn't handed over in cash so that there is something in writing that can be shown that you transferred money to her. Even better if you are able to put a note on the money to tag it in the system as 'loan to mum' or some such so there can be no mistaking it as a gift.

Sounds like you have already transferred the money over Sad - do you think she has used (some of) the money to pay for her holiday and that's why she doesn't want sister involved? But - if there is ever a next time - getting her to sign up to a document to say that she will commit to paying you back at £x / month and pay y% interest for this time, what will happen if payments are late, what happens if she suddenly gets a windfall Hmm so that you get paid back first rather than you suffering while she waltzes off on holiday - will be a good indicator of how much she is seeing this as a loan that she really will pay back and how much she us expecting you to let it drift and forget and not really planning on paying you back at all...

How did she know you had savings for your maternity leave - had you told her and she thought she'd take advantage of you? If so, might be best not to ever mention savings again, just let her know that you're struggling too or just getting by and not able to save (even if that's not quite true) so that you don't get put in this position again.

Need to plan what you are going to say to her (oh so ever so nicely of course!) when she returns from her holiday to start putting it in mind that if they had money to holiday then they can start to pay you back as you now need the money (don't need to give any other reason than that) and get stuff in writing about this (if you haven't already) so if the worst comes and you do need to progress this through a small claims court there is a paper trail and she can't ever claim that it was a gift or that she didn't know...

HOpe you don't get stung by this and do get your money back.

zipzap · 11/09/2010 00:17

Oops. cross posted with lots of people who were all so much more succinct and elegant at saying what I was trying to!

Original poster
strawberrymummie · 11/09/2010 00:18

Larks 35 the agreement is she pays back mr phantom loan shark 100GBP per month but on her DS money and 3 kids not sure how?? My husband is pissed as I stashed this money over a long period of time for finacial freedom as I like to buy the kids things he thinks are extravagant which when working was not a problem but did not want to have to justify every penny I spend whilst off work, he has said I am stupid to have lent the money and not to ask him for any extra in future as he is not making it his problem, he thinks my sister is lazy but does not really know the full facts which I will not go into as is her business and it is not really the point, its my mum I am angry with my sister does not even know the money has come from me.

OP posts:
taintedpaint · 11/09/2010 00:18

You sound really lovely strawberry, so I hope what I say doesn't come off too harsh, but I think you've been completely hoodwinked by these people who call themselves your family. It sounds like you really want them to like you and love you and these are things you shouldn't have to fight for or pay for, to be blunt. You probably should not have given the money, but now that you have, give your sister a chance to stick to the payments. If she doesn't....well I'm not sure there's a whole lot you can do about it really. This is why lending and borrowing with friends and family is fraught with problems.

That aside, I think you may need to simply fully accept that you will likely never have a close relationship with your mum and sister. They sound like two peas in a pod, and not in a good way.

There isn't any way you can halt the transfer of the money is there? If this is at all possible, I would try tbh.

taintedpaint · 11/09/2010 00:21

Tbh, if you are using family money to prop up your sister, you do owe your DH a full explanation. You don't owe it to us, but in a marriage, your money is his money and vice versa IMO so I think you need to explain very honestly why it is important for you to lend/give this money. You could end up with lingering problems with him otherwise.

Original poster
strawberrymummie · 11/09/2010 00:25

tainedpaint, how funny all the family call them two peas in a pod! And yeah I think you are right I will never have a close relationship with them which is why I am thinking about cutting ties (once I have my money back) it is easier than feeling upset and misunderstood all the time. My mum show such little interest in my children and that I can't forgive, I was close to my nan and her lack of interest is an insult to them.

OP posts:
carriedababi · 11/09/2010 00:30

how did you give them the money, was it a cheque?or cash sorry this has happended to you

you do not deserve it

i would call the police and say they have stolen it.

the fuckers

carriedababi · 11/09/2010 00:37

when are they going on the holiday and do you know who they have booked it with? perhaps its possible to intercept the money as such.

say you go to the travel agents and tell them they've booked it with stolen money, your stolen money and if they don't cancel it you will get the police involved

i'd fight tooth and nail to get that back

wineandroses · 11/09/2010 00:41

See it like this - you have done a good deed - or at least did what you felt you had to do. You may or may not get it back (and to be honest I would chase mum for repayment as she was borrower). Try to move on from this - you honestly know where you sit in the family structure and this changes nothing. Begin to be less bothered about who is favoured and who sits closer to the family head table and I guarantee you will feel much less stressed.

taintedpaint · 11/09/2010 01:02

You really need to start thinking if you get the money back, rather than when. You are setting yourself up for another massive disappointment at the hands of these two if you continue assuming they will honour this arrangement. They've got form for letting you down, you shouldn't expect anything more from them just because this is a financial transaction. I wouldn't say it's inevitable you won't get your money back, but it's probably not likely.

Like I said, you sound lovely, and I totally understand why you want to help, but please don't have more faith in these people than they deserve.

needafootmassage · 11/09/2010 01:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mniemmniem · 11/09/2010 02:49

I think you sound lovely strawberry - get your mum to sign a promisory note that says 'i agree to pay back 100 quid a month for 10 months' and sign and date it (both of you)

keep it safe and make a photocopy if you can.

This way if she doesn't pay it back you can take them to small claims court with no problems legally speaking.

I can sort of see your dh's point of view, but he'll calm down soon I'm sure.

Hope it all works out for you x

gtamom · 11/09/2010 05:10

Strawberry, you sound like you are a caring sister, with a kind heart.
I agree with the post above suggesting you get a promissory note.
Try and not get consumed thinking about it, since it is too late to get it back.

You have helped your nieces/nephews, that counts for something too. :)

carriedababi · 11/09/2010 11:28

are you ok s'berry?

Original poster
strawberrymummie · 11/09/2010 20:52

Hi,

Thanks for all your words of support I have taken some positive steps forward and have got my dad to agreed to 10 Direct debits into my account for the next 10 months for £100 each,have spoken to my husband and he is upset with them not, me after explaining situation better.

I am also going to take a step back from them all, I will be polite as don't want any regrets, but it is true this has lead me reassess my relationship with them.

I have to say this is my first ever post and you really are a bunch of helpful ladies and will now maybe even venture onto other posts with a bit of confidence.

Thank you.

OP posts:
RunawayWife · 11/09/2010 20:57

You have been used, you should not have given her the money, you need it for your own family.
Your sister could always get off her arse get a job and pay her own rent.

Mowgli1970 · 11/09/2010 21:02

Welcome strawberrymummie. YANBU - you sound lovely and I hope your sister does pay all the money back. You have done your best, just hope she does hers.

lucy101 · 11/09/2010 21:05

I really feel for you and applaud that you have got a promise to pay you back. I think Mniemmniem's advice about the note is excellent too.

If you don't get the money back (and I hope you do), please don't beat yourself up but realise that you are a kind person and that this is an expensive lesson.

Don't ever lend to them again and keep focused on your DH and children... and yes, perhaps, pull away a little from your mother and sis.

It is so disappointing when family let you down, and it is hard not to make the same mistake over and over again in the hope of things changing for the better... but they rarely do.