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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be utterly sick of DSS's mother now

49 replies

Tanga · 10/09/2010 18:06

DSS wears glasses. Since he first started wearing them, his mother refused to let him bring them to our house. So, life's too short, we just paid for him to get another pair.

Last weekend he forgot to take them off before he went back to his mum's. Have just had a call from DH saying that his ex won't let him bring the glasses for contact - she wants them as he has broken the pair he wears at hers.

Now OK, put on one side the fact that she claims the free pair and we therefore have to pay to get a new pair - but now those glasses are 'hers' she won't let him bring them for contact! So he'll have to spend the whole evening unable to watch telly, play the Wii, go on his bike, read...

I try not to moan, there are mental health issues, but FGS.

OP posts:

mumbar · 11/09/2010 19:03

Tanga did you manage to sort glasses out for DSS? Hope you all a nice weekend.

DetectivePotato · 11/09/2010 19:24

That is shocking behaviour towards her child.

She obviously doesn't give a toss about his feelings and is doing it for some sort of power game.

Isn't your DSS old enough to bring them himself? If he gets them from home, is she going to physically take them off him if he tries to bring them to your house?

Awful!

Dartsbeginsagainsoon · 11/09/2010 20:29

I need my glasses from the moment I get up to the moment I put my bedisde light out. If I get up in the night I put them on. Without my glasses, I have real distance judgement problems as part of my short sightedness, and no glasses = potentially serious accident.

This child's mother is being very cruel and ultimately hurts the child the most.

FellatioNelson · 11/09/2010 20:32

She sounds like a bitter nutter using hr child as a pawn in her war. Did you nick her husband?

RunawayWife · 11/09/2010 20:45

If she is a nut job can you and your DP not have him live with you full time?

catsmother · 11/09/2010 21:23

Like Darts I simply can't see without my glasses .... everything is a total blur unless it is literally 2 inches in front of my face. It is actually frightening to be without them so for a child, it must be awful.

There is NO justification for her attitude - none at all (Chandon ). Nothing makes it okay for this bitch to do this to her son but quite obviously her hatred / game playing / point scoring against her ex is far more important than ensuring her son has what he needs to feel comfortable, be safe and be able to see FFS !

Anyone normal - if the broken glasses story is true - (I wouldn't be too sure ...) wouldn't think twice about "letting" him wear the glasses he needs anywhere he wants .... and would, out of simple courtesy, have asked if it was okay for SS to use the 2nd pair of glasses rather than telling your DH that this was going to be the case ...... and of course, because your DH is a decent, responsible and caring parent, he would have said that was perfectly okay without hesitation, because he, unlike his twisted ex, would be thinking of his son.

MistsandMellowMilady · 11/09/2010 21:26

That is really cruel. I can't see without my glasses either and it is very frightening.

Is he old enough to wear disposable contact lenses? It wouldn't matter if they got lost or damaged and you could keep a supply for him.

Original poster

Tanga · 11/09/2010 21:49

Wouldn't be a problem at all to give him 'our' pair if his other pair was broken, and in fact we already did that last time he broke the pair he uses at his mum's. So DH would have handed them over when he took DSS home, no problem. It was the confiscation of them when he needed them at ours that was so hard to stomach!

I'm not sure the story is true either - DSS knew nothing about his glasses being broken - but we have had a series of little spiteful incidents since DH started trying to get her to talk about holiday contact. Last week DSS's favourite hoodie was 'lost'.

And no, I didn't steal her husband (they were never married and it's a long story) nor is there a history of things coming to our house and being broken - quite the reverse.

I'm not really comfy with the term 'nutjob' - although it seems very convenient and flexible at times (and the psych assessment for court openly stated she was exaggerating the problems to prevent the relationship between child and father) DSS's mum does have some genuine MH issues and Cafcass decided that with the help of her family she can manage. I personally wouldn't allow her to babysit but DH has to deal with it. On the positive side, DSS is a lot cleaner recently and has mentioned a few things that wouldn't sound like a big deal to anyone else (like being allowed to chose his own T-shirt every other day) but are huge steps forward in his life.

OP posts:

HumphreyCobbler · 11/09/2010 21:53

what an awful thing to do

no wonder you are weary of it

I am glad he has you in his life

SolidGoldBrass · 11/09/2010 21:55

Can this woman not just be compelled to hand over the glasses? Are her family reasonable ie can one of them hold her down while your H collects the glasses when he collects DS?

ApocalypseFlangePop · 11/09/2010 22:07

I found out yesterday ds is entitled to unlimited pairs of NHS specs (I tried to buy a spare pair )

I was told to leave it a week or so then when I go in ask for a repair and replace form for a free pair.

Algebra18MinusPiEquals16 · 11/09/2010 22:11

:( poor kid.

I hate it when parents just can't see (no pun intended ) that they are hurting their kids by getting obsessive over such petty things.

[weary stepmum emoticon] :(

mjinhiding · 11/09/2010 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mumbar · 11/09/2010 23:04

Tanga you truly are more sensible than I think you realise . You more than 'pick your battles' you actually don't cause them when they need to be caused when you know they'll cause upset and you won't win.

I would tbh try the replacement pair of glasses tact so you always have a spare pair. (and perhaps alarm them so they can't leave the house with him!)

FWIW I think you are playing this correctly. Very soon DSS will be able to make his own decision about where he lives and will know if he choses his dads then you will love and care for him too and won't make it unnecessarily harder by slating his mother.

ThePlanningCommittee · 11/09/2010 23:09

Tanga, as a "speccy" I would like to give you props for taking this seriously and caring about DSS's eyesight. It's no fun having crappy eyesight :(

lemonysweet · 11/09/2010 23:16

yeah, props from me as a glasses wearer, the longest i've been without wearing mine since i was 4 was 3 hours when they were broken and i couldnt cope, however pathetic that sounds! i never think of myself of being unable to see properly until taht right is taken away!

also, well done for being a stepmum posting in AIBU, they seem to get a lot of flack, thanks for proving that not all stepmums are overbearing witches! [im not a stepmum myself, but my DD's have one and she is amazing]

SolidGoldBrass · 11/09/2010 23:41

ANother specs wearer here (as is my DS) and while both of us can manage without our bins and have done occasionally (I once got pissed and left mine in the pub, DS, being 5, has occasionally trashed his in assorted playground accidents and had to wait for new ones), it isn't nice. And, as I said, to deprive a child of his glasses out of malice is simply abusive.

ThePlanningCommittee · 11/09/2010 23:57

Absolutely agree SGB - the world is confusing enough without being able to get it focus

ThePlanningCommittee · 12/09/2010 00:00

"without being able to get it into focus"

[insert your own eyesight-challenged joke here]

BrightLightBrightLight · 12/09/2010 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hystericalmum · 12/09/2010 11:42

Get legal advice. That's disgusting behaviour.
I can't see a thing without my glasses. Had to get the plastic bit that rests on my nose repaired the other day.
Man in Boots said it'll be about 10 mins so go & wander about the shop. I said, I'd be a hazard & I'll sit & wait!

That's just cruel to the little boy.

What a cow.

SirBoobAlot · 12/09/2010 11:46

Surely this is obvious cruelty? Poor child.

Is he not allowed to wear his glasses all the time then? Or at least have them with him?

She sounds like a cow.

smokinaces · 12/09/2010 11:49

Your poor DSS My DS1 is 4 and wears glasses - we have 1 pair but there has never been any question about him wearing them on the weekends when he goes to his dads, he wears them all the time so to take them off and give him a headache would just be cruel.

YANBU

castleonthehill · 12/09/2010 18:50

a few of my friends dc have glasses and they have all managed to get 2 pairs of nhs glasses so I would give it a go. She sounds horrid well done for keeping your cool

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