Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not really an AIBU but didn't know where to post...

31 replies

loveulotslikejellytots · 10/09/2010 15:40

DH and I along with 2 very close friends were round M&FIL's house last night for dinner. The subject of children came up (as it does quite often) and we were saying that we want to wait to TTC for at least another 3 years as we need to move first, want a nice holiday and get finances up to scratch.

MIL quite matter of factly said that 3/4 years would be perfect for her, as she is looking to retire about then, so she would be able to have said grandchild all week and I could go back to work full time. I kind of brushed the comment off as excitement on her part and thought it was quite sweet.

Conversation moves forward a bit, talking about friends DD and the baby she is expecting, MIL is giving usual advice etc. but kept popping in comments such as "oh well when jelly has her baby, I wont be doing XY&Z, I'll be doing this" and so forth.

Again I brushed this off (a bottle of wine helped...) but then she went on to say that if we are looking at 3/4 years then they better start looking at bigger houses??? Confused

Dh asked why, and MIL said that their second bedroom in thier current house (medium sized 2 bed house)is no where near big enough to fit a cot and changing table, and they would ideally like to have a play room...

FIL looked a bit stunned at the moving comment. I didn't say anything at dinner, but on the drive home, DH asked if I thought her comments were a bit strange? I said that part of it was excitement but she seems to be thinking about it too much... DH wants to bring it up with her when we are round there next, I would rather cross that bridge when we come to it, (hopefully before she gets the house on the market!).

What would be the best way to approach this? She is the kindest person I know, but has a habit of being a bit to intense with things, and inadvertently (sp) people end up getting the wrong end of the stick.

Sorry for the essay...

OP posts:
nancydrewrocked · 10/09/2010 15:44

Don't worry about it until you are actually pregnant.

DetectivePotato · 10/09/2010 15:44

Nip it in the bud now. Let her know that what she is proposing isn't necessary and if you let her go on thinking like she is now, she will think its ok for her to be doing what she wants. Your DH is right, he should speak to her now, way before any of this actually comes up and she becomes an overbearing GP. Hopefully FIL will talk some sense into her too.

When you come to having your child, you will not want this level of interference in your lives.

mistletoekisses · 10/09/2010 15:46

Erm....

I will probably be the only one to say this, but do you have any idea how lucky you are you have potential grandparents who want to be this involved and help out when the baby arrives?

Ok - some of the comments your MIL made maybe very presumptuous and there may need to be guidelines discussed nearer the time (dare I say that this is a bridge that may need to be crossed one day, nothing is guaranteed in life)...but I just think people cannot win sometimes.

Due to various reasons, my mother has recently moved close to us and having her here is an absolute godsend. I don't know what we would do without her. Be careful what you say (if you do say anything); as you are potentially burning bridges for someone who obviously wants to help you very much when your DC's arrive. And believe you me, any help is fantastic.

AMumInScotland · 10/09/2010 15:51

Have DH say, in a kind and positive manner "Of course we'll give you lots of time to get to know your grandchildren, but you and Dad need to have time to yourselves too, so don't go overboard on the planning." or whatever wording he thinks best to get the idea over that she shouldn't be making plans to this level about how it's all going to work out. Better to do it now, in case she gets too far into her planning and then feels really disappointed.

I don't think either extreme of grandparents-ness is any better than the other TBH, whether they ignore you or try to run your life, either is OTT and needs to be kindly but firmly discouraged, so that you can all have a positive relationship.

thisisyesterday · 10/09/2010 15:51

i honestly don't see the problem

she wants to help out with childcare if necessary, she sounds very excited, and she is even willing to move so she can have a bedroom there for the baby! that's actually quite lovely

you should think yourself very lucky.

diddl · 10/09/2010 15:52

Well, OP-will you be wanting childcare & your baby to stay over?

If so, no need to say anything!

DetectivePotato · 10/09/2010 15:59

She is being very presumptuous in thinking that you will be going back to work at all, let alone full time. I would let your DH speak to her and tell her to calm down until the baby actually gets here.

CarGirl · 10/09/2010 16:02

So even if you went back to work full time you will probably take a years maternity leave....

I think your dh does need to nip it in the bud even if it's just a case of "don't go house hunting yet jelly is very unlikely to return to work fulltime if we have children"

lal123 · 10/09/2010 16:07

I don't really see the problem. MIL retired 1 month before I was due to go back to work, which was wonderful and lucky as she then agreed to have DD to allow me to go back fulltime.

I believe that a child is not the property of the parents, that (with luck!) they are born into a family - who will love and nurture them.

Agree that its more than a bit weird that MIL is making plans 3 or 4 years before you ever TTC though!

Original poster
loveulotslikejellytots · 10/09/2010 16:09

We will by all means take them up on what ever they offer when the time comes. And I realise how lucky we are to have such great parents/in-laws, i'm sure their help will be invaluable. I'm just worried about the bigger things she was proposing... like moving house. They already have a spare room, so i'm thinking that when baby stays there a moses basket/ travel cot would suffice. I just dont want them going to a lot of trouble and adding money onto a nearly paid off mortgage just to accomodate us. Especially as FIL is already retired and MIL is seriously thinking about it.

Her comments dont bother me as much as they bother DH. He sees it as slightly interfering (he's not had much experience of babies, so I dont think he totally understands how hard it can be, and that any offers of help are a godsend!). Where as 5 of my friends have had babies over the last 2 years and are grateful of any help, even down to making a cuppa.

I agree with waiting till the time comes, where as DH is very black and white with things. We certainly dont want to burn any bridges, but I dont want them to make quite a big change to their lives just for us.

OP posts:
ttalloo · 10/09/2010 16:09

Your MIL is being presumptuous, but it's well meaning, by the sounds of it, and you are really lucky to have potential grandparents who want to be involved to the extent of looking after the baby so that you can work / have a social life / get a rest.

I was like you when pregnant with DS1 - my MIL was looking forward to looking after the baby when I went back to work, and all I could think was you're not getting your hands on my baby (we did have a difficult relationship at that point).

In the end, it's worked out amazingly - we've had our ups and downs, but two children later, with me working full-time, I really appreciate having in-laws who provide me with free, high-quality childcare whenever I need it, and who love their grandchildren to bits.

And if you're not planning to have a baby for 3 or 4 years, yet, why hurt your MIL's feelings about this? The time to work through the ins and outs of how much involvement you want from the grandparents, and they are prepared to give, is once the baby's born, not before it's even conceived!

hugglymugly · 10/09/2010 16:13

There's a difference between excitement and offering to help with child care, and what seems to be going into the realms of taking over.

I think your DH's idea to have a word sooner rather than later is a good one, but perhaps with his DF first. Leaving it until a few years down the line could mean having to deal with the issue at a more emotional time.

Original poster
loveulotslikejellytots · 10/09/2010 16:14

lal123 - the conversation comes up more than you could imagine (through excitement I'm guessing!)

I dont know what i'll want to work after having a baby. I dont even know if I'll still be in my current job! Who knows? Even my most career minded friend (the one that was at dinner) was adamant she was going back full time as soon as her maternity leave ended. She's now doing 3 days a week, and would leave completely if she could afford to!

I could suggest to DH he gives up work and becomes a SAHD!!!

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 10/09/2010 16:17

I think it's odd that she (MIL) would assume that you want her to look after the child(ren) all week. What if you have plans for alternative childcare, your own parents for a start?

I think also that it's a bit strange for her to be thinking about creating a nursery!

Definitely get your DH to have a conversation with her about this.

PosieParker · 10/09/2010 16:18

It won't be a bad thing, if it ever happens!!

Flisspaps · 10/09/2010 16:19

I'd let DH have a word with his mum, even if it's just something along the lines of not getting ahead of herself and it not being necessary to move etc!

perfumedlife · 10/09/2010 16:21

My concern is she really wants to be this future child's mum and take over!

Thats freaky.

diddl · 10/09/2010 16:26

What I think is odd is that she is so definite about what she is saying.

As opposed to a general "I´d love to have baby if you go back to work" or even just "well you know I´d like to help however I can".

Original poster
loveulotslikejellytots · 10/09/2010 16:26

My parents are a bit younger than DH's (still in their 40's) and cant afford to be retiring or going part time anytime in the next 10 years (not unless they win the lottery!). They would pitch in in other ways i'm guessing. I've not got any problem with MIL looking after our (imaginary!) child/ren. I loved being looked after by my Nan when I was young.

It was the house (as mentioned) and the nursery that bothered DH the most. DH thinks I'm a bit too laid back with some things. I love that MIL wasnts to be involved as much as she does. It's the financial aspect that worries me. They aren't poor by no means, but for the past 10 years they have both worked their chads off so they can have a comfortable retirement.

To me it doesn't matter what you spend on GC it's the time and effort that means more. Like I said DH just thinks that the house and nursery is a step too far.

OP posts:
MadAboutQuavers · 10/09/2010 16:27

Jelly - I think this is weird behaviour from your MIL.

She almost sounds a bit "senile dementia" about it - she does know she's not the one having the baby, yes?! Confused

Nip it in the bud right now, or it sounds like she'll be insisting on being consulted about all sorts of decisions - exactly when you TTC, what you should/shouldn't do during pregnancy, baby names, etc.

Original poster
loveulotslikejellytots · 10/09/2010 16:29

diddl - that is exactly what i'm trying to say. I think what bothered DH (and me) was that it was already a forgone conclusion. I dont know why she is being so presumptious, the offer of help would be snapped up, it was just the way it was worded, and the extend she was going to.

OP posts:
Original poster
loveulotslikejellytots · 10/09/2010 16:29

*extent

OP posts:
ProfYaffle · 10/09/2010 16:32

I would normally say don't worry about til you're actually pg but the moving thing is a bit worrying, think your dh should definitely say something to prevent that happening.

sapphireblue · 10/09/2010 19:05

I think something will need to be said sooner rather than later.........otherwise next time you visit you may well find a For Sale board outside!

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 10/09/2010 19:10

I would gently tell her that when you do decided to have children you are almost certainly going to be a SAHM and therefore she won't need all the extra space.But you will need lots of help with babysitting etc. Or tell her you would rather she enjoyed her role as a grandmother as opposed to a that of a childminder.