to think she shouldnt blame me for this situation

[whatwhatinthewhatnow]

Long back story but basically, best friend and I were mates with a big group when we were younger (almost half our lifetimes ago!) and she dated one of the guys.

She was with him for about 5 years, I drifted away from the group but still saw her and him. He was an absolute diamond guy and from the outside they looked very happy, but I think it was all too much too soon and she left him. They got back together for a while but she left him again shortly after.

She moved away with a new guy and I never really saw any of the old group, until about 3 years ago and we got talking again. I never see the boyfriend as he has a wife now and doesnt really see the others. Although there is this feeling of dislike towards her that obviously eminates from the break up of that relationship. Its understandable, Im not friends with any of my friends ex's that I wasnt friends with origanally, especially the ones that hurt my friends.

They've all seen each other at my birthdays etc (not the actual guy but the joint friends) and she always gets a bit touchy about why they wont talk to her like they did when she was with this guy.

And recently shes been questioning her feelings for him and how she treated him (she did cheat, but like I say, we were very young and we all make mistakes.) I certainly dont think any less of her, I was as bad at that age and no-one else knows. I would never ever have mentioned it to anyone, why would I, it was donkeys years ago and doesnt make any difference to me.

But one night she said to me that 'someone' must have said something about how she behaved all those years ago (the cheating) because otherwise, they wouldnt be so frosty towards her. As Im the only one who knows, its clear she means me. It really is as simple as they dont want to be friendly to someone who hurt their friend. And of course the situation isnt the same with me, as I drifted off of my own accord, then the friendships started back up.

She questions me and questions me, and just to shut her up, I say that they mostly speak highly of her and its a shame how it ended (some of them actually do say that) and that they dont talk to her mainly through loyalty with the guy (which is actually the reason!) and that they dont really have anything in common now. I try and get off the subject as quickly as possible because I just think its a bit dead end. Everytime I see her she analyses it again, and Im sure she thinks Ive said something. I honestly havent. And I dont want her walking around thinking I betrayed her when its fairly normal for ex's friends to go off you once you dump them.

How can I get her off this? Or maybe I am BU and shes right to wonder why they dont like her and whether its to do with me? Advice please!

Are they outright rude to her or just don't want to be bessie mates?

If they're deliberately rude, then they need to grow up, and she needs to say 'fuck them'. If this is the case then I don't know why you're friends with them either.

It sounds from what you say as if they just aren't overly friendly, so then it's her that's being immature.

From your point of view, in order to clear the air, you need to be direct with her and tell her that you definitely didn't tell them any of her secrets. You're right to try to move her away from this. Maybe you need to explicitly say 'I don't want to talk about this any more'.

Why is she obsessing about this so much ? It doesn't sound healthy at all. It sounds a bit weird to be this obsessed about something that happened such a long time ago. Is she allright in other ways?

They definately arent rude. They just dont talk to her that much.

I think shes just having a reflective look back and thinks its a shame she cant be friends with them now, when I am and can look back at shared memories etc. But its totally different for me. I never went out with any of them so the same dynamic doesnt exist.

Ive said that too but she still questions it. Shes been asking pretty much since I started talking to them again. Maybe me having that link to him has opened it up. I dont know, I just think she needs to stop thinking about it too much. I am worried about her.

I suppose it's kind of normal to talk about stuff that happened in the past with old friends. But the obsessing and slightly paranoid stuff make me wonder if she's a bit depressed or something's not quite right with her.

If she brings this up again, could you possibly come out and just say, if she is wondering if you ever told anyone about her secret, you didn't. And they do not know as far as you know. And you cannot answer for them as what they feel or think of her.

Sounds like she is unhappy in her life.

I agree with gtamom, if she talks to you about it again, just volunteer the information that you did not say anything. She will probably believe you if you are direct about it, and it might shock her in to keeping quiet about it in future. Then she will be able to think about other reasons why they are treating her the way they do, and decide not to bother worrying about it so much.

Yup, the next time she says 'someone must have told them' just come right out and say, 'do you mean me, because I'm the only one who could have, so I feel like you suspect me and it's not on.' Being direct usually works best.

Next time I'd gave a stash of counselling leaflets at the ready. Why is she still so hung up on something that happened a long time ago and why is she so desperate for this crowds approval?

I think she and the boyfriend kept up some contact. I dont know for how long, and I dont know what sort of contact it was. That could be part of it.

I think her issue is the others thinking shes a bitch and that they must only be that way because someone must have said something (ie ME!)

How can I say, its possible that sometimes, regardless of who said what to who, some people just dont like you? without seeming like an utter bitch (but at the same time making it clear this is nothing to do with me?!)