to regret having children

[soggy14]

have named changed for this one but does anyone else ever feel that they just aren't cut out for parenthood and should have them adopted?

The whole constant whinging, never any time off (mine 10, 8 and 4 don't sleep through, don't even settle till 11pm often); constant issues with schools (mainly drop off an dpick up - they are at different schools too far apart for us to physically get them there on time - so either need to drop off early (and get letters from school complaining saying that we infringe insurence) or late (and so more letters). Every evening = battle with homework then battle with trying to stop constant demands for cups or water, more food, or "worry time" from crying child terrified of going to sleep and so on. I can't earn enough to cover the child care so have to try to work from home around them and sometimes I really crave a quiet and somehow controlable life. Is i tjust me? Sorry to moan so

Get a decent bedtime routine sorted...you sound knackered.

At 10 8 and 4 I'd like to think its about to get better for you. Surely the 10 and 8 year old can have a degree of independence regarding drinks and healthy snacks?

Homework - why a battle - what would happen if you made learning more "self motivated" - would they simply not do it? And then what - do you think they'd want to do it on their own accord from the consequences of that at school? I'm sure by 8/10 I did homework mainly to avoid consequences from school, my parents never got involved?

The logistics of the school run sound complicated, any way around it or is it just the way it is? Have you written to the school to explain?

My NCT teacher said the best parent for a child is nearly always that parent, no matter how bad a job they think they are doing.

Have you been to a sleep clinic about the non-sleeping? Most issues seem better on a decent night's sleep.

I'm sure things will get better for you soon.

Sorry you're having a hard time of it. I have had days where I've wished I could have my Pre-DCs life back for a bit!

Do you have an OH? Family nearby who can help you out?

Why can your DCs not go to the same school?

Agree that some kind of bedtime routine would work wonders and stop the 11pm faffing around. Do you have set times you send them off upstairs at?

Sorry for all the questions!

Children can not go to same school as we have a first/middle/sec system here and so 10 year old need sto go to a school which is 15 mins one way and the other two need to go to one which is about 8 mins the other way (both by car as too far to walk - we are v rural here).

Have been trying to get bedtime routine sorted for years. Problem is that the children do not sleep. 10 yr old lies in bed worrying (hence the worry time as she can end up very upset); 8 yr old is not always too bad but 1-2 days a week literally spends the time jumping off the furniture and 4 year old doesn't seem to understand that he is supposed to stay in bad (he has been referred by nursery as poss developmentally delayed). He also always appears in our bed at some point during the night waking us both up. We have at various times tried to get him to stay in his bed but he screams so loudly that he wakes th eother two up adn then we have them runnign around again :(.
dh is around but at the moment is working stupid hours (gettign up to start by 7 (he workfs from home); breaking off to do bedtime routine for a couple of hours and then back to work till late (so I end up tryign to deal with the evening wanders whilst also tryign to fit my work in).

I do no thtink that I have had a full nights sleep since I had dd (10 years ago) so shoud lbe used to the broken nights. I think that it is the additional school run that is tippi gnth ebalance - that and the ridicuolous amoutn of HW dd now seems to get which she cannot do but says she will get detentions if she doesn't.

She doesn't know where to start with the maths but the school said that the whol eide was tha parents did it with their child and only 20 mins a night etc but with 3 of them you end up with over an hour at night (4 yer old does no thave HW but does need to be read with).

Hope things get better for you, OP.

This is why I only had one child...

when you don't sleep, everything is hard. I can undertand how it is too much for you. Not sure what to suggest.

Is there any way your 10 year old could be taken to school by someone else? A neighbour with a child at that school for instance? Could he walk to a friend's house and go to school with the friend'S family or by bus if you would be comfortable with that?

sounds like you need more of a structured routine. set the 10 & 8 yr old some chores to help you all as a family. bed time sounds a nightmare, you must be able to get them into a routine, it sounds like 8yo gets over tired and 4yo not getting enough sleep.

have you got anyone who could help you organise this?

if your dh works from home, he is at least around at dinner time? couldnt he do one childs homework with them?

If they are at school/nursery all day can you not work whilst they are?

what about a big white board with routine and chores written on it with a treat at the end of the week if everything gets done?

too rural for the neighbour thing to work. there is a bus but a child was killed at the bus stop last year :(

Yanbu I often wonder if people knew the reality of having children would they still go ahead. I crave time on my own and often feel that I don't enjoy my 3 children in the way I see some parents do.
It's 50% horrible with them being horrible,
40% ok with them being ok or at least not being outright nasty to me or each other and
10% nice with pleasant conversations, constructive activities, cuddles and love.

Maybe I'm having a bad day.
I hope it improves for you.

Could they be more unsettled due to school starting up again? My two are definitely more anxious and upset over little things.

I would talk with the elder two to sort out changes that could be made. It's pointless to impose what you want to happen on them if they're not willing/motivated to do it.

Get them to agree that after a certain time there's no more drinks/snacks apart from water which they can get themselves.

Get them to agree a going to bed time to read and a lights off time.

Can you put a sleeping bag out or similar in your bedroom so if the 4 year old comes in they can just snuggle down in there to be close to you but not to wake you.

I know how you feel - I felt like this yesterday, today's not so bad! Hope it gets better for you soon.

Is there anyone around who might take the eldest to school and pick him up if paid to do so?

the constant whinging and the battle over homework etc could be down to tiredness if they don't settle sometimes till 11pm. That's really late if they are up early for school IMO.

Wonder what keeps waking the 4 year old up?

the 4 year old just wakes up sometime between about 1am and about 6am each night. He did wake several times so it is gettign better - just so slowly

YANBU

I wouldn't have had children had I known the reality. I love DS but I wish he'd never happened. What a horrible thing for me to say.

I'd get very strict with them, sounds like you are very soft, sorry if I'm wrong.

My routine if I were you would be this.........

6.15am - get up, showered, dressed and a cuppa
7am - wake children if not awake, if awake make them breakfast while kettle boils.
7.30am - 8am everyone washed and dressed
8.15am hair to brushed and put up then gather stuff to leave the house.
8.30am leave for school (may need to leave earlier but I don't know how far school is) drop the 10yr old first, then 8 then 4 or you could rotate so that the 10yr old isn't late everyday? or get a childminder to take the younger 2, it shouldn't cost a lot and would take a lot of pressure off you.
9.15am - have a cuppa and write a list of work things that need to be done today.
9.45am - work
12.30pm have lunch and put something in the slow cooker for dinner (if you haven't got one then do get one they are fab)
1pm - work
2.45pm do the school run
3.30pm everyone in and a quick drink and piece of fruit.
3.45pm - homework older 2 at the table younger one in living room with you doing reading, the older ones can ask questions but they need to do their own homework so encourage them to think for themselves. No arguements, if they do well they can choose what they would like to do once homework is over.
4.45pm - sort dinner out (maybe boil some rice or pasta or potato to go with thats in the slow cooker) or some days do a quick dinner like pizza or pasta sauce or jackets pots (remember to put the pots in the oven just before you go to the school run or when you get back if you want a later dinner)
5.15pm - dinner time, sit together, chat about the day etc
6pm - bath time/ wind down time for 4yr old, perhaps dad can read a story while you tidy the dinner mess or vice versa, maybe the older kids can help.
7pm bedtime for 4yr old and wind down time for 8 yr old and 10 yr old if you like?
7.30 - 8pm bedtime for 8yr old, once she is in bed you do some work. Tell the children in bed that if they get out of their room or mess about you will send them to bed earlier tomorrow night.
8.30pm bedtime for 10yr old.
at 9.30pm or 10pm STOP chill, go to bed

If your children do get up in the night put them straight back in their beds. Explain to the older children during the day what is happening and that they need to follow the rules and set an example to their younger brother.

10yr old being worried at night I would reassure and tell her things always look better in the mornign and it is bedtime and you love her - I don't know her but I would guess this is an attention thing? So try to plan something each weekend that allows you to give each child some one to one time.

I think the problem is that you are constantly play catch up and you are exhausted and who could blame you, they are running in circles around you imo, you are the only one who can stop this, with the support of your dh.

RE drinks and snacks - that is now the 10 year old's job.

My ASD 7 year old is in charge of making drinks of water for him and his brother and he gets on just fine. Whine about it? Go without.

yanbu,

and very brave for saying so i think most parents have times feeling like this.

im 21 and my two are 3 and 21mnths and i yearn for child free life some days but others cant be without them,

i really hope you get some help soon. xx

Is there any reason why your ten year old cannot take himself to school, or at least the ten year old can walk part of the way. Is the eight year old at middle school or first school?

Do you think it might be worth contacting your local children's centre to see if they have a parent support worker to give you support. Or maybe there might be some parenting courses to help you.

I have found the assertiveness module on this website useful for dealing with kids.

www.livinglifetothefull.com/

flymetodunoon, you are so right.

I often feel that I don't enjoy being with my kids.

My dd's (8 and 6) constantly bicker and seem to hate each other (although they also can play nicely together).

They both united against me tonight on the quest for a pet yet again, which we have discussed and agreed against, many times. So then I get abuse and 'you don't care about us', 'my life is so boring, nothing nice ever happens'. Which I shouldn't take personally but it hurts. They are old enough to know what they are saying and the consequences.

Sometimes I feel like just walking out.

Cass.

Its a bloody shit job at times. I think they're picking up on your 'hatred' though. Get some help or have some time away.

YANBU.

I feel like this too at the moment. I am fed up with the constant whinging and find it hard to enjoy spending time with my kids.

I'm sorry I don't have anyhing helpful to add, but I do empathize.

Have any of the suggestions been helpful Soggy?

mumsnet is brilliant . I hope some of this wonderful advice has helped

I have a grown son and a 9 year old.

I found that saying in a polite playful voice,' I'm sorry; I can't hear you over the whine.' and not responding to the request until the whine was removed worked.

If the request was reasonable I would then grant it cheerfully.

i agree with lovemygirls - sorry if i sound harsh but yes you do sound too soft, esp over the sleeping - let yr 4 yr scream, give him a few nights of ignoring/taking back to bed and he will stop screaming as will learn that he wont get his own way

yes may take a week or two but gawd your nights will be much better

different schools are a nightmare,(i do 2 school runs about 5miles apart and it is hard) but eldest one goes in early and gets picked up after younger one finishs but i am in the car for 3hrs a day doing school runs (also with a 2yr) and charge about from one school to another

again is there a friend who can help out so if you drop yr 10yr at their house and both older go together

homework (again i have 2 lots) gets done when im back from schol 4.30/5 while i am cooking tea

you do sound stressed (and not suprised tbh)

looks over shoulder and gives a very un mn like ((HUG))

i hope you can sort things out and yes older 2 can help more (mine are 2/5/8 and help out and very rare they do much about at bed time but again as lovemygirls said, threaten something like earlier bedtime/no tv etc and stick to it