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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my mum I'm pg without consulting dh?

29 replies

footoutofmouth · 09/09/2010 14:28

He's a bit p*ed off about it. I'm only 10 weeks and just had booking app. Feel crappy about it all now.

OP posts:
ANTagony · 09/09/2010 14:30

Congratulations.

Is he p*ed off because he cares and he's trying to defend you pre 12 weeks or do you feel he wanted to be able to share the news?

Pheebe · 09/09/2010 14:31

Why on earth would you need his permission to tell your mum something so fundamentally important. Have you/will you be telling his mum soon too? Is that an issue? Is he controlling in other ways?

Original poster
footoutofmouth · 09/09/2010 14:32

No he just thought we should wait until we have had the scan so as to know everything ok.

OP posts:
sanielle · 09/09/2010 14:32

I don't think you are.

sanielle · 09/09/2010 14:34

Foortoutofmouth if something went wrong would you want your mother to know? If so, tell her now. If not you might consider leaving it. But YANBU to want to either way.

Original poster
footoutofmouth · 09/09/2010 14:35

Too late I already told her. That's why he's annoyed.

OP posts:
Pheebe · 09/09/2010 14:36

As a veteran of 10 mcs, if the worst should happen you'll need your mum to know. Not saying anything will happen to you or your baby but personally I always felt the 12 week rule was for people outside your close family circle.

Original poster
footoutofmouth · 09/09/2010 14:37

Sorry to hear that Pheebe. Thanks for your advice.

OP posts:
ANTagony · 09/09/2010 14:41

I'm 20 weeks and after 3 miscarriages my DH was really concerned about telling anyone before the birth!

I have a friend who has three children with a largish gap between her DC 2 and 3 (also due to several miscarriages). She didn't tell DC 1 and 2 until she arrived back from hospital with DC3! They kept asking why is mummy getting so fat and trying to get her to go on long walks and exercise more.

In a way its kind of flattering that he's being defensive of your pending immediate family. But frustrating that he's not inclusive of your current wider family. I agreed not to tell my mum with this one until after the first scan but she knew because I had bad sickness and found serving up lunch really challenging.

Hopefully this will blow over really quickly for you and when you get to see your peanut on the screen for the first time this will be forgotten.

Serendippy · 09/09/2010 14:43

Explain to your DH that if anything were wrong, you would tell your mum anyway for the support. Therefore it makes no difference whether you tell her now or wait. DH and I agreed that if we told my mum, he should tell his, but actually I ended up telling a few others as I wanted someone at work to know in case I needed a hand carrying things etc, people who could support me discreetly. Congratulations! After the 12 week scan he will have forgotten all about this.

Poledra · 09/09/2010 14:47

Actually, I think you should have discussed it first with your DH - it's his baby too. The OP does not need his 'permission', but it's not just up to her who she tells.

Who knows, maybe her DH thought telling her mum would be fine, but that her mum would be unable to keep the news to herself? Maybe he wanted both of sets of parents to know about the same time, rather than your getting what may be perceived as preferential treatment.

I don't think you're BU to want to tell your mum, but I do think YWU to not at least ask your Dh first.

MorrisZapp · 09/09/2010 14:51

I agree with poledra. Of course you want to tell your mum, that could never be unreasonable. But he is in this too, and you should maybe have discussed it together first.

Have you talked about telling his mum?

Pheebe · 09/09/2010 16:13

I disagree, I cannot imagine being in a relationship where EVERYTHING has to be negotiated and double checked right down to what I do or do not tell my own mother.

MorrisZapp · 09/09/2010 16:17

That's hardly fair pheebe, surely the point is that a pregnancy - and matters arising, such as who to tell and when - is very much a shared issue?

What if the bloke had blabbed the news to others before the OP was happy about it?

scaryteacher · 09/09/2010 16:17

I told my mum before I told dh as he was at sea!

harassedinherpants · 09/09/2010 16:19

YANBU, but I can kind of see where he's coming from. I love the bit when it's just you and dp/dh that knows Smile.

Poledra · 09/09/2010 16:20

But this is not EVERYTHING being double-checked and negotiated. Of course I'm not advocating that you should negotiate with your DH/P about telling your mum about your promotion, or that you're thinking of buying a new sofa or you're going out for dinner with your friend at the weekend. But this is one of the biggest changes to your life, and when I say you, I mean you plural, the OP and her husband. So yes, I do think the DH has a say in when people get told about it.

diddl · 09/09/2010 16:22

But did he tell you that he would rather no one know until after the scan?

We didn´t tell anyone until 16wks.

I know I´m unusual, but I was happy with just husband & I knowing.

MisterW · 09/09/2010 16:50

As a husband I would have been quite upset if my wife had told her Mum without talking to me first. Pregnancy is a big deal and it's important to tell people at the right time and in the right way. For example, how will his Mum feel if she finds out that your Mum knew weeks before she did?

YANBU to want to tell your Mum but YABU to not talk to DH about it first.

UmBongo · 09/09/2010 16:56

We both decided to tell his mum, as my mum would guess and it wasn't fair on his mum not to know! We live quite close to both and see them quite often. So I couldn't have kept it a secret!

belgo · 09/09/2010 16:59

YANBU. Of course you wanted to share the news with your mother, is he a control freak in other ways?

My mil told everyone I was pregnant, each time I was pregnant. I just had to get over it. Not worth arguing over.

SandStorm · 09/09/2010 17:00

Did you already know that he wanted to wait or did he only tell you that after you shared the news? Because that could be a bit of issue for him if he thinks you've blatantly ignored his wishes.

FallingWithStyle · 09/09/2010 17:03

Had he expressed that he didnt want to tell anyone before you told your mum?

I think you should have waited til he felt comfortable. Imagine it the other way round and he told his mum when you had wanted to wait - you'd be rightly pissed off.

AgentZigzag · 09/09/2010 17:10

I agree with Poledra as well, this isn't about being controlling in the abusive way you are implying Pheebe, it's about the DH having a say in when people are told.

It's not about consulting on every single level of a relationship, I'm sure the OP doesn't consult her DH about whether to buy an extra pint of milk.

When you share one of the most important pieces of news, and who with, is an important part of a pregnancy.

gorionine · 09/09/2010 17:13

I have never even thought about asking DH, never even thought it could ever upset him.

It always went like that: I found out I was pregnant, told DH, picked up the phone to tell my Mum.