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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

so my bil asked me, and so i said the truth....

15 replies

bridewolf · 09/09/2010 14:18

my bil has two DDs, and they always have been allowed to choose and wear what shoes they want, in what ever style. He does have the money to buy fitted shoes, but quite frankly, its not the cost, as he has spent £60 plus on boots each, but its the style for long term wear thats dreadful.

niece showed me her new school shoes, and bil mentioned his teen girls bent big toes, and that it must be caused by the shoes the girls insist on wearing.

now, i have been avoiding this subject for some time, because the toe thing is quite bad, one girl is getting a huge bump on her toe joint, which has been getting bigger, so it wont be long before her foot looks like posh spice.
its quite dramatic bent toe and lump, iyswim

however, as he brought up the subject, i mentioned that he was right, and that the main culprit was shoes, like the ones she was wearing, and that it wouldnt improve as time went on, and that in the end, her shoe choice would be limited, because they will hurt, and if it gets worse, a op might be needed.

i admit, its not my place to tell him the obvious, although he did seem surprised about severe cases needing an op.
i think until that point, he had never realised why i was such a boring old fart of a mother who spent a fortune on shoes, and insisted on low heels, and rounded toes for her kids, and I got the impression from him that i was fussing over something that didnt matter.

i am sure this didnt go down well, but he brought up the subject. and thinking about it, i should have just not responded, and changed the subject. still we all know better in hindsight, so am aware have been unreasonable.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 09/09/2010 14:20

YANBU. You merely confirmed something he has finally, finally realised for himself.

StealthPolarBear · 09/09/2010 14:20

why do you think ywbu? Was he angry with you?

withorwithoutyou · 09/09/2010 14:20

sorry, what's the actual question?

ItsAllaBitNoisy · 09/09/2010 14:21

No you haven't. He asked, you told him the truth. Simples.

Pheebe · 09/09/2010 14:21

YABU to think YABU to have mentioned it. Where else is he going to get friendly advice if not from his family.

Hulababy · 09/09/2010 14:23

YANBU. You simply confirmed or agreed with what he has initially suggested.

it miht not have gne down well, but at least he is now aware and can't say that noone ever told him.

Wonder if he will start trying to change things?

LilRedWG · 09/09/2010 14:25

My sisteer has worn crap shoes since her teenage years. She recently had to have her bunion shaved - she's 43. Ouch!

bridewolf · 09/09/2010 14:28

he will look on this as a critisim, as it is, but will focus on that, and himself, rather than being firm, and choosing suitable footwear for his daughters.
They are quite fully in control of many aspects of their lives, and lead him.

i have opened my mouth and said the truth when he asked a few times before in the past, and it didnt go down well.
Other members of the family have said that i was distressing him too much, but i am always of the opinon that the kids come first, and HE asked me!
He asks, i open my gob, and he gets emotional and distressed about it, but nothing changes.

so really i am being unreasonable because nothing will change, and by the time the kids are 18 they will need some sort of foot care, me opening my mouth wont change that.

OP posts:
oneofthosedays · 09/09/2010 14:30

If you said it like you explained here then I don't think YABU, just simply stating facts. My MIL has a bunion on one of her feet and it was years of cramming her feet into pointy high heeled shoes/boots.

I don't necessarily always get the DCs shoes fitted but I do buy sensible, flat/low heeled shoes for them and make sure they fit properly myself.

paisleyleaf · 09/09/2010 14:37
Wanderingsheep · 09/09/2010 14:56

YANBU.

He may look on it as criticism, maybe he won't change things but what you said is right. You have warned him and told him the truth. You can't do any better than that! You have informed him of the facts and what he chooses to do with that information is up to him. If he ignores you he will just realise, when his DD's are older, that you were right!

AnneTwacky · 09/09/2010 15:14

YANBU

You've done the right thing by your nieces and your BIL.

He might seem like he didn't like it but I bet in the end he will really appreciate the fact you told him the truth. Smile

exexpat · 09/09/2010 15:19

If they've been wearing unsuitable shoes, then yes, the incipient bunions may be due to that. But I've had bumps/inward turning big toes since I was 9 or 10 despite nothing but fitted sensible shoes - I still only wear flats, nothing pointed - due to bad genes. Possibly they would be worse now if I'd worn bad shoes, but I don't think I was ever going to avoid getting them.

zipzap · 09/09/2010 17:24

If anybody does try to criticise you for this or say that your bil is upset by what you told him, it's simple.

All you have to say is, in a perplexed voice:
'I was agreeing with him - how can I be criticising if I am agreeing with him?'

And depending on how is telling you that you have upset BIL then you have the perfect opportunity to go on and say (again all perplexed and confused and upset) that 'I can't win. BIL gets upset by anything and everything I say, it's not like I can lie to him, especially if I am agreeing he is right. And if he is talking to me then I can't not answer him because that would be rude and probably upset him too. So what can I say to him? I think he just wants everyone to hate me (or whatever... seems suitable)' Grin

And that way you end up the one with the sympathy and he is the one that is shown up as an idiot Grin

miracled · 09/09/2010 17:32

YANBU "Other members of the family have said that i was distressing him too much" Is he 12? Poor sensitive flower. Next time someone mentions it tell them to google 'bunions' then decide for themselves.

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