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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

potty training

13 replies

farewellfigure · 09/09/2010 14:07

We've got a lovely childminder and my DS adores her. We're very lucky. Last week she rang in the afternoon to ask whether we wanted DS to be delivered home in nappies or pants as she'd started potty training him. We were surprised, but pleased, and willing to carry on. He's 2 and a half and we'd been considering it for a while so thought this was the kick-up-the-backside that we needed.

After two weeks, he hasn't got the hang of it at all at home and I can't take him out of the house as he has accidents every 20 minutes. At the childminder's house he is much better and she thinks he's nearly there. My DH and I have been talking for a couple of days about stopping altogether and starting again in a few months when he's older. DS never asks to go to the potty...just wees and poos in his pants!

Anyway, yesterday his behaviour was very out of character...he hit me repeatedly and found it very amusing. I'm afraid I was really upset (he's normally an angel and very gentle), and I put him in his cot with a nappy on while I went and calmed down (ie mopped up the tears). I then quite rashly decided that enough was enough...potty training came to an end. After a very short time we had both calmed down and had a lovely afternoon. I'm sure his behaviour was down to potty training stress (he was on the potty when the hitting started), and having so many accidents at home.

Sorry...long post! Anyway, I rang the childminder to let her know he would be in nappies in the am, and she told me I was very foolish to stop now (even though he doesn't have a clue at home and is continually wet or pooey), and that we were 'nearly there'. I was in floods of tears as this hasn't been an easy decision to make. An hour later she rang back to try and persuade me again...more tears.

Today I am much calmer and am looking forward to my lovely DS coming home in a better mood, and not having to worry about him weeing and pooing everywhere. Am I a bad mother for giving up too easily? I am feeling very flaky at the moment! Am looking forward to your advice.

OP posts:

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 09/09/2010 14:11

The most important lesson I've learned with regard to potty training is that you as parents must feel the time is right for you and your DS. If you are not behind it 100% (and you don't have to be yet - it's your prerogative) then it won't work. When the time is right, and you have had enough of nappies, you will succeed.

Personally, I'd be a bit upset by the childminder's response. He's your child, you get to decide, I would expect a childminder to go along with my decision.

scurryfunge · 09/09/2010 14:12

It is all very well for your childminder to start it but if he is just not ready at home then it is counter productive.
You are the mum and you can ask her to encourage him with thinking about when he needs the toilet but ask that you will let her know when you have made progress at home.

BeerTricksPotter · 09/09/2010 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dolphin13 · 09/09/2010 16:21

We tried 3 times with dd because we were under pressure from other people.
First two times we had the weeing every 20 minutes just like you. If they are doing this they are not ready because they cannot control their bladder yet. His behaviour also shows how stressed he is. I think if you let her continue you could be causing more problems for the future.
Third time we tried dd was clean in 2 days no problems at all, she was 3.3 then.
I would be really upset with a childminder who did this. He's your child your rules.
Put your foot down with her.

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 09/09/2010 16:33

I'm not normally an advocate of Gina Ford - but I did use her 'potty training in one week' book and I thought it was really helpful - she gave advice on signs of children being ready and not ready, what to do if there was a relapse etc - and how to build up to it in the first place (going to the toilet together, looking in the toilet, generally discussing it).

Like I say, I'm no fan of Gina Ford (in fact, I'm the opposite of a fan), but it seemed to make sense to me.

mumbar · 09/09/2010 16:48

YANBU and you can never win re potty training.

I expect he is fine daytime at childminders when she devote time to it but I expect home with you he wants mummy time and you both want fun and cuddles not the stress of potty training iyswim.

My DS and I lived aboad until he was 22 mths and and he had lots of no nappy time (marble floors/pool outside etc)so he was very aware and would tell me when wet/ did a poo from about 18 mnths. He announced on his 2nd birthday he was not wearing nappies anymore so brought pull ups and did training a week later whilst camping. I got all sorts of comments about forcing him to do it too early .

Every child will do it eventually when they and you are ready.

Best of luck when you make that decision.

mumbar · 09/09/2010 16:49

sorry meant to say daytime when NOT tired. made it sound like you couldn't be bothered and I REALLY DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

bamboobutton · 09/09/2010 16:56

agree that you should wait until you feel he is ready and not bow to the pressure.

we started traing ds(2.7) on saturday and on the second day he was taking himself off to the potty and emptying it into the toilet and flushing it still need to work on poos though.

i never thought it would be so easy!

sapphireblue · 09/09/2010 17:01

Your childminder is bang out of order if you ask me (I know you didn't!!). It's entirely up to you when you begin potty training, although I would really recommend waiting until DS decides to do it for himself. DD1 took her own nappy off one morning when she was 2.3 and that was that.....hardly any wee accidents and the poo accidents were quickly rectified by way of chocolate button bribery . Soooo much less stressful than trying to force the issue (which is what it sounds like your CM has been doing).

BuntyPenfold · 09/09/2010 18:50

YANBU
When your child is ready it will all work out ; as you know he is now stressed and confused. He can't control or predict his needs.
My children were trained at 3.3 and 15 months, one was ready early and one late - children are all different.
You now need to leave it for a while, perhaps for longer than you would have, to let his stress be forgotten.
Your childminder is way out of order, and she must know that she is too.
Don't let her even suggest that he uses a potty until you say so. He will copy his peers and take pride in his new grown up pants, when he is ready.

LittleMissHissyFit · 09/09/2010 21:39

Ds was ready, showing all the signs by the time he was 2.10, but i had trips back to the UK, his birthday and then Christmas/New Year.

So I put it off until I was ready to be able to devote all my attention to it.

GF book was what I used, her methods really do work.

It's ok, leave it for now, come back to it when all of the signs he's ready are there and go for it, commit for at least a week.

What IS crucial is that the attention he undoubtedly gets at the CM is repeated at home. Regardless of all the signs being present, You WILL still have to keep asking him every 5 mins/10 mins to go to the loo, you WILL have to put him on the potty at the times he usually does a poo. There will also be accidents. Get a bucket of soapy water and just chuck in the wet/soiled pant as they happen.

You can't delegate potty training, the first few days are all absorbing, but literally in a couple of days it will be better, you will get the hang of his bodily routine.

I agree to force this upon him when he isn't ready can cause other issues which are a heck of a lot harder to deal with than an accident on the floor...

Don't worry, read up, prepare yourself and when you are all ready go for it!

Good luck!

Original poster

farewellfigure · 10/09/2010 14:27

Thanks for all your comments and support. I felt much better as soon as DS was back in nappies, and back to his normal happy self. I'm still feeling a bit guilty about stopping but I know we did the right thing and the guilt will pass.

Have also had a big chat with CM and everything is fine now. Looking forward to a few months of peace and then we'll try again if he's ready, after Christmas. We've got a whole week at home and hopefully it will be a bit easier.

Thanks again :)

OP posts:

Pixieonthemoor · 10/09/2010 14:38

I would be seriously fed up that your childminder took it upon herself to start the potty training without discussing it with you first. I mean, whose child is this?? Anyway, I know that mention of Gina Ford on MN is risking a flaming but I too used her book and found it extremely useful esp when she lists pointers on how to suss out if your child is ready and that there is no point in pushing this. Good luck with it and another tip - if there is a particular character your child likes eg Thomas the Tank Engine then pants with that character on the front make them really eager not to get Thomas wet/dirty!

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