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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in starting to feel resentful

22 replies

Numberfour · 08/09/2010 20:07

This will be a drip fed AIBU because DH may appear at any minute!

DH was unfairly (in our opinion) dismissed nearly 3 weeks ago. Before that he ran a business unsuccessfully and the awful result is impending bankruptcy.

I feel awful for him - he tried and tried and I have no doubt at all that he did not deserve the treatment he received from his last place of work.

We went away for a short while after he was fired (planned ages ago and for our peace of mind we needed a break - I work from home in our small 2 bed house)

DH is searching for work and is being very active about it.

However, nothing is easier for me with him being at home. In fact, it is harder.

He loves fishing and finds it relaxing. That's great. BUT: he has been fishing twice this week for 5 hours at a time, leaving me to deal with DS at the end of the day when DH could be here.

We have a million things to do (VAT returns for old business, tax credits to update, income and expenses to fill in for bankruptcy, usual house stuff, etc) yet by far the most of it still falls on me to do.

He says that he needs time and space and so on because of he stress he is under.

more later............. (but sure that it is obvious where I am heading!)

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 08/09/2010 20:10

YANBU. Unless you also get to spend 10 hours a week on your own hobby whilst he deals with DS, the house etc. I would imagine you are fairly stressed too.

Lulumaam · 08/09/2010 20:12

agree with TPL

yes, he needs time to clear his head. of course, he does. but time needs to be devoted to the pracitcalities of the situation and to you getting time to clear your head.

how old is DS?

i think a bit of a chat is in order

thisisyesterday · 08/09/2010 20:13

does he know you find it harder with him around? is he disappearing off fishing because he thinks he is in the way#/

hjave you talked ab0out this at all?

looking for job is good
going fishing is ok
dealing with his stress is a good thoing

but he has to remember that you and your child are the most important things and if he is needed late afternoon/evening then that should be his priority

Original poster
Numberfour · 08/09/2010 21:24

We have talked. I thought there was a bit of a break through a couple of nights ago when I said that I need him to do a few things but that I was worried it would turn into an argument. He asked me what the things were, we talked and agreed that I should let him know what needs to be done.

But there are the usual household things that I still have to do despite working 10 hours a day. He cannot or does not want to see the obvious things.

DS is nearly 6, just started back at school so is tired and whingey come 6pm.

I very very seldom get any time on my alone let alone 10 fucking hours! And we certainly do not have enough money coming in next month to pay all our expenses.

thisisyesterday - about his disappearing to get out of the way: yes, I asked him today to leave early to go fishing so I could have some timea alone! I childmind and had a very rare hour without kids. However, I asked him to be back at 6 because I needed to get DS's Beaver uniform for his investiture on Saturday. Dh said he would be back then. I took the children to the park, saw DH busy fishing and chatted for a bit.

He suggested that he need not be back at 6 because it would be better for DS to come with me to get the uniform ..... This is sounding all so petty. End result is that I took a shattered DS to get the uniform, came home, made supper, at which point DH arrived home shortly after 7.

But it is so hard on me all around. And yes, I feel very sorry for myself.

Everyone asks how he is after him losing his job. Truth of the matter is that it is far from easy for me. I do the finances in the house and make all arrangements for DS, all shopping (online), most cleaning, all washing etc etc etc. The obvious things still get left by him even though he is now home.

Yes, we have talked, but maybe we need to do it more. But yet again it will be up to me to raise the issues and to suggest plans.

OP posts:
TimothyTigerTuppennyTail · 08/09/2010 21:30

When my DH lost his job (redundancy) I told him quite clearly that if he was in the house he was to be doing housework or looking for jobs on the internet. If he was out of the house it was to go to the job centre or an interview.

He did whinge about being stressed once, so I pointed out that I'd make him really bloody stressed if he didn't pull his weight.

It took him 2 weeks to get a new job.

TimothyTigerTuppennyTail · 08/09/2010 21:33

Urghh, sorry - I clicked on 'post' when I didn't mean to....

blah..blah..ks to get a new job.

Maybe you need to try this tactic with your DH. Why on earth is he going out fishing for 5 hours when he could be spending those 5 hours looking for a job?

I'm not suprised you feel resentful.

Original poster
Numberfour · 08/09/2010 21:33

TTTT - my thoughts exactly. DH says tonight that oooooh it has to be what Numberfour says! Quite a loud fight tonight. I said sorry, but just to clear the air.

I am not sorry. I am so cross and so worried about next month's rent.

There is no way that I could go and fart about for 10 hours in a week knowing that I had a family at home and no fucking job. A few hours fishing yes, ten goddam hours over 3 days. NO.

He cannot seem to understand that I am upset and worried, too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Numberfour · 08/09/2010 21:36

TTTT: i replied before your next post came through. Those are my thoughts precisely. I understand that need for some time out (not that I ever fucking get it), but 10 hours.... well, you ge the point.

I reckon that once money matters are sorted I will def not be waiting to be given time out, but will take it. I have to, otherwise the resentment will be so great that I will leave him.

OP posts:
bigchris · 08/09/2010 21:37

You need to stop doing everything and ask him to take over a few things
start with him doing the online shopping and finances
if you're childminding why can't he help you dothat?
Am a bit baffled as to why it needs two to look after a six yr old in the evening though

Original poster
Numberfour · 08/09/2010 21:41

It does not need two to look after our DS, Bigchris. Just that after having kids around for 10 hours, it would be great if DH took over at the time when DS is particularly tired seeing that DH is not working. Different if he was still at work or on his way home.

Also, I always cook supper. Not once has he offered to do that. I told him seeing that he is off, I will not fold and pack away his clothing and that he should do it. It is still in the basket 10 days later.

OP posts:
nelliesmum · 08/09/2010 21:51

Maybe he's depressed? Its only three weeks since he was made redundant. I would honestly cut the poor sod a bit of slack!

BarmyArmy · 08/09/2010 21:56

Numberfour - it comes across that you have lost respect for your OH already...this is very common when men lose their jobs and their role as breadwinner is curtailed or snuffed out altogether.

He is not doing what you would do in his position - this does not equate to his doing something wrong per se.

TimothyTigerTuppennyTail · 08/09/2010 22:01

BarmyArmy -

Sorry, but I think buggering off fishing for TEN hours when you need to get a job is wrong, particularly when you have a family.

As I mentioned earlier - it took my DH 2 weeks.

mumeeee · 08/09/2010 22:22

It wasn't a whole 10 hours at a time. It was only for 5 hours and only twice. Yes perhaps he should have ben home at 8pm but he was home by 7pm. It is only 3 weks since he has been made redundent so he is probably feeling very fed up and does need some time to himself. Also you have said it's harder with him bieng at home so he might feel that he is in the way. I would give him a bit of time and support instead of moaning.
BarmyArmy That was very good that your DH got a job in 2 weeks but also very unusual. I workd for an agency and was doing supply work but wanted a permenant job. I applied for hundred of jobs for ovr 2 years before I finally got a permenant position. Also I know a lot of people who are out of work and have beenlooking and applying for k=jobs for months.

mumeeee · 08/09/2010 22:23

Sorry Barmyarmy I meant to reply to TimothyTigerTuppennyTail

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/09/2010 22:33

"It wasn't a whole 10 hours at a time. It was only for 5 hours and only twice."
It was still 10 hours in one week, and occurred at a time when the OP had asked for him to take their DS to give her a break.

Now is not the time for relaxation, it's too easy to slip into that pattern. He has important things to be taking care of right now, and should be prioritising his time accordingly not offloading it all to his DW along with the stress.

fedupofnamechanging · 08/09/2010 22:34

Losing a job is very stressful for the person concerned, but it is equally stressful for the partner, who is also relying on that income to put food on the table. I would let the 10 hours spent fishing pass this time, but would not allow it to become a habit. I also think you need to start giving your DH specific household tasks that he is responsible for, otherwise you will end up doing everything and will become even more resentful.

I couldn't relax knowing that my family was depending on me for income. I'd be working my arse off trying to get it sorted.

I think your priority has to be dealing will VAT returns/tax credits, so get him to do that before anything else.

ChippingIn · 08/09/2010 22:48

YANBU

You sound a bit scared of him (worried about talking to him re jobs, apologising even though you aren't sorry etc) - either physically or of him walking out - are you?

You can't let him slide into (situational) depression which is easy to do when you have been 'let go' I think this is the answer...

^TimothyTigerTuppennyTail Wed 08-Sep-10 21:30:40
When my DH lost his job (redundancy) I told him quite clearly that if he was in the house he was to be doing housework or looking for jobs on the internet. If he was out of the house it was to go to the job centre or an interview.

He did whinge about being stressed once, so I pointed out that I'd make him really bloody stressed if he didn't pull his weight^

It's hard out there right now, so he might not find something that soon, but while he isn't working, he has to look for a job, sort out the shit from the other business, clean the house, sort out DS, cook dinner etc... pull his weight and more, it's only fair when he's not working to do the Lion's share of everything else.

tinkletinklelittlestar · 09/09/2010 00:06

I don't think YABU but I don't think he is either given your original post and subsequent responses.

You may need to find a calmer way to tell him what needs doing - men can be a bit rubbish at that. A list is a very useful thing i.e. daily/weekly/monthly/longer term tasks - he might respond better to that and especially if you do it together and he gets a say in it - problem solving/fixing things would hopefully appeal.

The whole situation is strange for you both. It sounds like you are very busy and trying to do everything; maybe need to say something like , 'I really need your support right now with blah, blah..'. Equally, he may be using the fishing as an escape from that fact he doesn't have a job any more. His confidence has probably taken a knock - 3 weeks is a relatively short time since a job loss....

Original poster
Numberfour · 09/09/2010 20:19

Thanks, everyone.

I think I should bite my tongue when I feel like lashing out. And give Dh a bit of a break plus a list of things to do!

I asked him tonight to clean the floors tomorrow so he asked me if he should also paint the house. My reply was that he need not do that as it was not on the list Grin.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 10/09/2010 23:56

How has it gone today?

Is he finding much to apply for?

Original poster
Numberfour · 13/09/2010 10:01

Hi, ChippingIn

DH has applied for lots of vacancies online and has called an agency that he has dealt with over the years. He says at first there seemed to be many posts available but as he has depleted those, no new ones have appeared. Fortunately he is no longer so upset about the dismissal and I have rethought my resentment and am being more understanding (a long talk to an lovely aunt of mine also helped me see the wood for the trees.)

Thanks for asking...... Smile, fingers crossed that he gets something soon because at this stage I am not sure if we can pay rent next month.

OP posts:
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