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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - or is he? DD in nursery during maternity leave

22 replies

HavingAnOffDAy · 08/09/2010 12:21

Basically, I want my DD (who will be 4 by then) to remain in nursery full time for the 1st two weeks of my maternity leave with DC2.

I'd like to have the time to relax a bit, and get stuff ready for the new arrival. Also, try & get a few meals cooked & put in the freezer for when we first come home etc.

I'm probably going to have an elective section, so want to be as organised as possible upfront.

I work full time Monday-Friday, and weekends always end up packed full of doing things with DD.

My DH says I'm being selfish & should want to spend the time with DD1 as it's my last two weeks with her as an only one.

I've said that although I'll put her in nursery each day I'll probably end up taking her in a bit later & picking her up earlier than normal. She will be doing 2.5 days a week once the baby is born.

AIBU or is he? We're not getting on that well at the moment so I may be losing perspective!

OP posts:

MrsBadger · 08/09/2010 12:24

yanbu

keeping everythign as much the same as possible for dc1 can really help ease the transition for them - making a big deal of 'oh it's my last two weeks with you, dd' is a sure-fire way to unsettle her and make her resent the baby, imo

loves2walk · 08/09/2010 12:26

I can see both sides of this really. If she likes nursery and enjoys the routine then better not to disrupt her too much before the really big disruption about to happen in her life!

Could you go for a compromise and have her in nursery for the same hours on 4 of the days each week and have 1 day each week which is her special mummy day where you get to do whatever she wants, whether that be stay at home in PJs or off to a park etc.

xandrarama · 08/09/2010 12:26

I don't think you're BU. There's a lot to be said for keeping your DD in the same routine, both before and after the baby's arrival. And being heavily pregnant and looking after a four year old full time is no picnic. In your position I would do the same thing.

Perhaps your DH would like to take two weeks of holiday from work to stay home and spend time with DD, as it would be his last two weeks with her as an only one

wem · 08/09/2010 12:29

YANBU, I'm a SAHM and 36 weeks pregnant and I would LOVE to have 'maternity leave' with DD all settled in nursery. I'm so knackered and feel rubbish that I don't have the energy to play with DD like I used to.

Perhaps your DH would like to take two weeks off so that he can 'spend the time with DD1 as it's [his] last two weeks with her as an only one.'

Mummyisamonster · 08/09/2010 12:29

YANBU.

I did exactly what you are suggesting. My DD loved being at nursery and enjoyed the normality of it. It also helped me enormously, as I too was working full time and was panicking about getting things sorted out in time. In fact it was a massive help as when my DS finally arrived he was quite demanding as a newborn and I really struggled.

How is that being selfish?

If your DH is that concerned, maybe he can take some time off work and spend some quality time with DD whilst you cook for the freezer

Good luck with it all.

TonariNoTotoro · 08/09/2010 12:29

YANBU.

I found out some useful information on here regarding childcare vouchers and maternity leave. If you claim childcare vouchers through work, you're entitled to keep receiving them throughout your mat leave. Thought this might be handy to know.

wem · 08/09/2010 12:30

great minds xandrarama

xandrarama · 08/09/2010 12:37

OP, just let wem and me at your DH. We will sort him out!

Original poster

HavingAnOffDAy · 08/09/2010 12:37

Thanks All

I will suggest to him about the two weeks holiday

Yes - I probably will plan to have a couple of days where we do nice things together (providing I'm not exhausted) but she thrives on routine & I think 2 weeks at home would really unsettle her, especially as she will be going back to nursery once the baby arrives.

DH seems to be on a mission to wind me up at the moment & I feel like I'm losing my voice a bit with him.

OP posts:

mrsunreasonable · 08/09/2010 12:39

YANBU at all I am on Maternity leave now (go back at the end of the month boo!) and DS1 (3) has stayed at nursery the entire time. He loves nursery and would miss the routine, his friends etc it gives him time away from DS2 (the baby) keeping his routine has (I think) been the reason why we have not suffered from 1 instance (touch wood) of sibling rivalry! Of course when he comes home he gets the biggest hug and loads of attention but I am only able to do that becayse DS2 has had my undivided attention all day.

elportodelgato · 08/09/2010 12:58

YANBU at all, I am quite aghast at your DH's idea tbh.

I also work fulltime, DD is in nursery fulltime and am pg with my second one at the moment. When I go on maternity leave I will have (hopefully) 4 uninterrupted weeks of precious 'me' time with DD in nursery fulltime - I intend to sort out the house, sort out baby clothes, cook lots of food for the freezer and spend at least half of every day on the sofa watching crap tv and eating chocolate. There is no way on this earth I will be looking after my toddler fulltime in that final month - she's exhausting at the best of times and my patience is rather thin at the moment (hormones) so I really don't believe that we'd be having lots of fun mummy-daughter time, we'd probably just both be miserable.

I'll probably drop her late and pick her up early but let's face it, this may be the last time for a loooong time that we get to put our feet up

mrsmindcontrol · 08/09/2010 13:01

YADNBU.
I kept DS1 and DS2 in nursery 3 days a week when I went on mat leave before having DS3. God job I did too as was admitted to hospital for last 3 weeks of my pregnancy. We'd have been in a very sorry state if we had no childcare arranged for that time.
Mat leave is meant to be for you to rest after all.

Portofino · 08/09/2010 13:02

YANBU. In addition to what others have already said - think of it from her point of view - 2 weeks at home all alone with Mummy, then the minute the baby arrives, she's packed back off to Nursery. I could see that causing more jealously/confusion than if you just continue with the normal routine.

Gibbon · 08/09/2010 13:20

YANBU, but if it were me I would take one or two of the days for some one to one time

bigchris · 08/09/2010 13:24

Novicemama - will you keep your eldest in nursery full time then when the baby comes? She might feel a bit pushed out if you're at home with the baby. Coukd you reduce it to a couple of days a week until you go back to work?

Deanna1977 · 08/09/2010 13:26

YANBU I am going to do something very similar when I go on maternity leave in Nov.

elportodelgato · 08/09/2010 13:37

hi bigchris,

No, once the baby arrives DD will be going down to 3 days at nursery - I wouldn't want her in fulltime (I miss her as it is!) and you're right, I think she'd feel majorly left out knowing I am at home with the baby

bigchris · 08/09/2010 13:38

I did that with my eldest as well
the two days he was at nursery were lovely though

AllNightMilkBar · 08/09/2010 13:41

My DH encouraged me to keep DS in longer than I had planned. Far more fun to be at nursery playing with friends than at home with a heavily pregnant, tired mother. We left him in 5 days, but cut him to school hours on the basis that after being at nursery full time since 6 months old, and due to start school within 4 months of DS2 arriving, it would be better for all esp once baby here and time for me to play would be limited.

CinnabarRed · 08/09/2010 13:45

DS1 used to go to a childminder full time. Keeping him in that routine for as long as we could afford it was the best thing we could possibly have done to ease him into the reality of DS2's arrival. As far as DS1 1 was concerned virtually nothing had changed.

Although I had planned to have him home with me after DS2 came, in the end we kept him there full time until well after DS2's birth, and have only just dropped him down to two days per week.

Original poster

HavingAnOffDAy · 08/09/2010 14:08

Thanks everyone!

I feel a lot better now.

I need to start acknowledging that I do know best sometimes, and stop letting DH brow beat me into his way of thinking!

OP posts:

MiniMarmite · 08/09/2010 14:22

YANBU

I've just gone on ML at 28 weeks and DS is still at the CM for 2 days per week and will be throughout my ML.

I have been feeling guilty about it but when I think about it objectively (and, thankfully supported by DH) I know that he loves being there, I will get some me time and be able to organise things better at home (meals in the freezer etc) so that when DS2 arrives there will be more quality time available for DS1, he will have the continuity, he gets bored when it is just the two of us all the time.

The same applies after DS2 arrives with the additional benefit that it will enable him to do some things that I won't be able to do with small baby in the early days.

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