to not want to buy baby clothes for my colleague until the baby is here?

[dilemma456]

My colleague is about to go on maternity leave and the office are doing a collection. The person organising it has said she wants to go and buy some baby clothes for her. AIBU to say I don't want the money to go to this because:

1. I had a still birth at 38 weeks so as far as I am concerned the baby is not safe until its out, breathing and feeding
2. We don't know if its a girl or a boy and there aren't that many gender neutral baby clothes.

I've put both of these to the organiser and she says I'm being silly and over dramatic and any "still births don't happen that late normally". I really like the lady concerned and will happily buy her baby clothes when its here but I can't do it yet.

Even for DD I didn't buy any clothes until a couple of days before I was induced and that was only a couple of cheap babygros - I just couldn't get my head round the idea of having to get rid of beautiful baby clothes again

YANBU

I agree, it's a bit American to buy things before the birth. I'm surpised the organiser was so insenstive to your concerns.

YANBU. When my colleagues went on maternity leave we bought them some pamper items for themselves and a voucher for mothercare so that they could buy what they wanted when they wanted it.

Didn't happen for me as I had DD 7 weeks before my maternity leave was due to start... Ah well! Got some beautiful stuff for DD though.

I do see your point but perhaps you are feeling strongly because of your own experiences .

I think id put in a nominal amount and then treat the baby to a personal gift.

When I had ds1,work organised a whipround for me and gave me vouchers - I think thats more practical.

YANBU, and if your colleague knows your own story, then she's being very cruel to call you silly and over-dramatic. Once you've experienced the loss of a child, it colours the way you think of all pregnancies and births from then on. I think suggesting vouchers is a good idea - I much preferred getting vouchers when mine were born.

Can I suggest to you to tell her to get something like an M & S voucher card - I got one from work on first mat leave and it was brilliant, also it lasts for ages so you don't feel you need to go out and spend it all in one go iyswim. Also you can get baby clothes, toys or other items if you want to and the person gets to choose for themselves. I don't blame you for feeling like that with your past loss.

YAabsolutlynotNBU I'm very sorry for the loss of your baby.

But, I don't think you'll be able to stop her buying clothes. Maybe you could buy a little something to put with the communal present rather than contributing to the clothes. A little cuddly toy of some such? Don't suppose that really be any easier for you though.

Sorry for your loss dilemma456 - I cannot begin to imagine how dreadful that must have been. Can the organiser not understand your position? Her attitude and response seems rather callous.

When our team PA asked me gently what sort of thing I would like for my maternity leaving present I told her that I was superstitious about baby clothes, until, as you say, he was actually here and safe. I ended up with vouchers and some pampering stuff for me which I was delighted with.

Could you not just go out and spend a fiver or something on something from Champney's or similar (you can get this in Boots) and add that to the collection - then your money hasn't gone on baby clothes but you have still made a contribution.

I don't think you can stop the collection being spent on baby clothes altogether, but at least you can make clear that you're opting out.

Ohhhh champneys half prce in sainsburys at the mo!!

yy, vouchers is a very good idea. M&S, Debenhams. John Lewis, anything that isn't Mothercare or similar.

I was only given clothes after the birth, but TBH the vast majority weren't to my taste at all. They were either totally unsuitable for a newborn, or suitable but revolting. Maybe you could use that angle considering she's being such an insensitive cow about your true reservations--?

dilemma your colleague sounds very insensitive, sorry for your loss.

Some good ideas above i.e. adding non-clothes items to the collection. Where I work it would be quite easy to opt out of the communal present by saying quite nicely and firmly that you have already bought x a little gift and card of your own.

Mmm, YANBU and YABU in equal measures I think.

I lost a baby last November (quite late on) and putting away the (cloth) nappies I had bought for it, and giving away the clothes were the hardest thing I ever had to do. I'm nearly 30 weeks pregnant right now, and when I fell pregnant I promised myself that I wouldn't be foolish enough to shop before the baby was born. I lasted till 27 weeks when I bought the most adorable hand-knit newborn cardigan in white . It was just sooo soft!

Since then I confess to having bought a few bits and pieces and have mentally done up the children's bedroom to accommodate said baby. Today morning I bought a sling . There is a little voice inside my head telling me to stop because you can't take anything for granted, but I just can't help it. Humans were ever thus...we plan and anticipate and the pleasure we get from it is just as much as from the real event iyswim.

sorry about your baby.i completely understand.vouchers and nice card is good gift.you do what feels right for you.if you wish purchase clothes when baby here

as a team we usually buy vouchers so mum can chose ,flowers and chocs on last day

I'm so sorry for your loss. My 1st baby was born sleeping 11 weeks ago (I was a little earlier on 32 weeks)... I had finished buying for her, and I don't regret that, because those shopping trips were precious and things like her first dress I'd chosen, outfit I'd chosen to bring her home in etc are now part of her memory box I've created for her. And I'm keeping all her things - we may have another daughter one day.

But having said that I don't think I would buy for friends/colleagues babies until they were here and safe.

YANBU - But as insensitive as it is comments like "stillbirths don't happen that late normally" will probably be said by many, but that is because people don't hear or talk of still births and don't realise just how often it happens - 17 babies a day nationwide, 6500 babies a year. I would've been the same until it happened to me, its blissful ignorance. I do think that woman was very rude and uncaring for belittling your loss though - but I'm realising lots of people just don't know how to deal with still birth. And don't understand just how painful it is. I'm so cross that you were called silly and overdramatic.

(The worst I had was someone tutting at me while I stood by my daughter's grave. She asked if it was a childs grave and how old - teddy tributes must've given it away as it was just after the funeral, and when I said born sleeping initially she didn't get it, I said still born and she tutted at me... unbelievable).

I was given loads of clothes before the birth of my baby.
If you don't want to contribute to the collection don't. Just buy your own thing for her afterwards.

YANBU, but I think you are wrong, but very understandably so.

I am so sorry for what you have experienced.

I had a several MCS and would always wait until fairly late in my pregnancy to buy anything for the baby.

I then had a very late MC.

A year later I became pregnant again. I pondered the problem of when to buy things for my baby.

I decided part of the joy of being pregnant was the shopping trips and the cooing over little booties.

If I didn't have any of this then I had something taken from me even if I did get my baby.

I don't think not having things ready for your baby would make you feel any better about losing it. Quite the opposite, it makes it more real.

I still have things tucked away in a drawer for the baby I lost, and I find them quite comforting.

I see friends buying for their babies in the first weeks of pregnancy and I envy their confidence, and probably think they are quite mad, but most of them sail through their pregnancies.

I am really sorry for you loss, however saying you won't contribute to the present might hurt the woman who you say is your friend. By implying her baby might not be there to enjoy the gifts. If she is anything like me she already spends most days worried something will go horrible wrong and doens't need to be reminded of it by a friend.

A small gift wont hurt you finaically (unless it will, then that is a different story)and will send a positive message.

I am really sorry for your loss.

I think anyone who has even been indirectly affected by stillbirth and neonatal loss has this awareness: my aunt and grandmother both had babies who died shortly before or during birth.

So I always had this superstition though my dh thought I was crazy... I wouldn't keep the pram in the house or put up the cot or have anything here, really. We had a grobag and that was about it. I feel a bit like this in terms of gifts too, I never buy clothes for friends' babies ahead of time.

I think the organiser at work is callous in the extreme.

LutyensCBA, your story made me smile, despite the sadness in it too. I will be thinking of your soft cardigan and hope all goes well with your delivery x

YANBU at all. Why not get a voucher for mothercare/john lewis or somewhere similar so the mum to be can choose something to her tastes. She might not want baby clothes either, she might need something else for her baby. Or indeed herself!

Sorry for your loss dilemma and the callous way the collection organiser dismissed you.

Does this organiser have children herself?

Sounds like she is getting clothes as the present because she wants to go out and choose them herself - either because she hasn't got kids or hers are grown up and she hasn't had a chance to buy baby clothes recently or because she thinks that she has good taste and wants to impose it on the recipient...

Whichever way, it's selfish! As everybody else on here thinks, much better to get vouchers that you can get what you need.

When dcs were born loads of people bought clothes - which was lovely of them - but there were lots that didn't get worn because they were the wrong size or season or needed to be hand washed or dry cleaned and lots more that didn't get worn very much because everybody bought for the same size so I had loads to start with (having got a few bits in myself anyway) and then not so many for afterwards.

Some people gave receipts so they could be changed, in case you needed to change them which was thoughtful but still meant that you had to get to the shop within the timeframe to exchange them. WHich if you have an easy birth and everything is ticking along OK may be fine, but again not so easy if you are having any problems (even if it is just a baby that won't sleep so you are sleep deprived yourself).

Others didn't and whilst the thought and sentiment of the gift were appreciated, the clothes just didn't get worn.

Toys on the otherhand - only one person gave ds1 a toy and we hadn't bought many - so a nice toy was a lovely thing to get.

There are some nice toys around now that are suitable for boy or girl babies that you can get for less than a tenner - things like whoozits or little soft bear with teething or twiddling bits attached - that it is handy to have more than one of so you can have one in the car, one in the bedroom, etc etc.

Maybe suggest that they get something like that and a token pair of socks so that there is a cutsy present to unwrap and make the toy hold the vouchers. That way there is best of both worlds for the mum.

Not so good for the organiser who wants to go and get a chance to have a big spend at somebody else's expense on baby clothes though!

Dilemma I am sorry for your loss but YABU - it is fairly common practise to buy clothes for a baby (even before they are born)and I am sure your colleague will appreciate them.

Sadly because of your loss you have a very different perspective to those who have never experienced the heartbreak of losing a child.

Woman who have not lost a baby will never understand the caution, verging on paranoia, that tinges every aspect of pregnancy following losing a child and why should they? It is a magical and exciting time for most. Some of us will sadly never have that; the magic has been replaced by fear and worry but we still need to step back and allow others to enjoy their normality.

The organiser was however callous and cruel in her response to your concerns, however she is also correct: stillbirth is thankfully rare.

If you don't want your money to go on clothes then don't contribute but I do think objecting to what is bought when someone else has taken it upon themselves to organise is unreasonable (albeit understandable)

Dilemma - could you give your colleague some vouchers yourself? Or suggest to the colleague doing the collection that vouchers would be a better idea because then the person could choose something or things that they like when the baby is born.

But you are not being unreasonable to be upset by this - especially by the tactless comments from the colleague doing the collection.

So sorry for your loss and YANBU.

When my friend here at work left on mat leave, we bought her some fun 'maternity leave survival kit' items, didn't spend much, but things like realxing fruit teas etc. CDs of relaxing music, pamper stuff, magazines, M&Ms (which she couldn't stop eating) and other bits like that. This was a little gift for the mum as we would miss her while she was off.

When the baby was born we bought a 'proper' gift which was vouchers etc.

Am not normally in favour of two gifts for one occasion, but wouldn't buy clothes before the baby was born either, mainly because of gender and not knowing what the mum to be would want/need, but also because of the horrid nagging feeling of how it would feel if something went wrong.

D