to want to work on the weekend?

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Am a SAHM. An opportunity has come up for me to take a job working nights and/or weekends.

We need to do something about the money situation and while we could have me not working it is a struggle and it would certainly make life easier if I did.

BUT DH only wants me working nights, because working during the weekend during the day would affect him playing sport.

He says that as I am a SAHM I get to socialise and have coffee with friends while he works during the week and he has no ;him; time apart from sport. If Iworked on the weekends during the day, it would impact on his ability to play sport and therefore it is not fair and selfish of me. i.e. I have an opportunity to socialise and he doesnt.

I can sort of see his point, but I also think that changing my availability to include weekend days would make more employable.

I currently go to two playgroups and have just started a class on a weekday morning . This is where I have met my friends. It is not like I am out all the time or on weekends (unless I organise something as he is playing sport). He plays sport every weekend. This is not negotiable apparently. I have the children all week and the at least one full day a weekend due to his sport.

I said if it is a choice between me working and him not playing sport and me not taking a job, then I shouldnt take a job at all.

I can see both sides of the argument really.

Am I being unfair trying to better our situation by wanting to work weekend days?

(FT work not an option due to childcare costs outweighing earnings)

BTW I will probably get this deleted due to me being quite identifiable in RL but this is bothering me and I needed to get it out.

So, you get to meet people and have conversations with them whilst you work - ie bringing up your children - via playgroup. I presume that DH does much the same at his place of work. You no more get to, say, go to the theatre or do what you'd really like to whilst you work as a SAHM than he does in the office or wherever it is he works but like him are restricted to a certain environment and certain company, some of which neither of you may not even like.

That makes it quits AFAIAC.

When he is at home at the weekend presumably you share the childcare so here you are equals.

So far he has time off at the weekend, when he plays sport. You care for the children whilst he does this. Therefore you don't have time off.

He "gains", in terms of free time and having an escape from the daily grind norm, you don't.

So where, exactly, is YOUR time, to do as YOU want? Where is it that YOU pick a hobby or interest, be it going to an art gallery or the pub? Where do you get to go, of your choosing and not a place and with people which your work imposes upon you and without taking your work - ie your DC - with you?

Because I'm buggered if I can see where you enjoy the freedom which your DH has, albeit it's only for a few hours.

FGS, you aren't even suggesting that you go to the pub! You're suggesting that he looks after HIS children, which you do all week while he's at work AND while he's playing sport, in order to contribute to the family budget.

HE is being VVVU!

"some of which neither of you may not even like."

What sort of English is that?? Sorry!

Sorry HE said if it is a case of me taking a job and him not playing sport..

To answer you question, my ME time is my class on that one morning. which I have only just started, and I do take one DC with me. He hasplayed sport every weekend for YEARS.

And you articulated it much better how I am feeling than I ever could! I am trying to come up with a rational logical argument to why this works but he cant see me working on the weekend days as any thing but selfish on my part as he cant play sport.

I knew what you meant! :)

Me? Articulating anything other than badly? Well, there's a first, thank you! :)

Seriously, he's being a tad selfish and short-sighted.

Suggest that more money equals money for sports equipment/a foot in the door and experience towards a post of longer hours and more responsibility when the children are older, equalling more money for sports equipment... !

Your ME time is ONE class, you still have a child with you or who you have to settle in a creche (which I bet YOU arranged!) and you would have to miss that class if your DC was ill or the creche was cancelled. If DC was ill when DH played sport, DH would not have this problem, cos muggings Mum would be there to care for little DC.

Can you argue too that the class is for self improvement/career in the future? Hey, even if it's an aerobics class, well Honey, I have to keep fit to keep up with the children and look good for you darling!

He is being selfish and unreasonable. Is he selfish about the money as well ie paying for his sport shit is part of the household budget but any treats for you are unreasonable extravagance?

Well I dot settle DC into the creche because DC is actually with me in the class..it is just a hobby thing for about an hour one weekday.

Good point re the money. We have allocated his sports membership i the budget. There is no equivelent budget per month for me a swe cant afford it.

He does encourage me and always has, to do things for myself but there is that whole finance thing mother guilt thing gooing on If i spent the same on me as his sport we would be in even worse position! my class costs less than a fiver a week, his sport costs about £70 a month!!

Vallhala is quite right.

To back up her assessment of the nature of "work", let me just repeat what happened when my DH was out of work through redundancy for three months last year. He freely and frequently admitted that he was looking forward to getting back to work "so I can have a rest". he was really stunned at how hard it is to be alert for such long periods. And it's alertness without stimulation, either: watching a child who is doing something incredibly repetitive, yet unable to switch off to do something else, because he just might suddenly run off and antagonise a goose (and geese are strong and scary), or wallop another child, or (this is a DS favourite), scoop up some dirt to eat quickly before while Mummy/Daddy can stop him (little so-and-so)!

So DC is with you at the class? So you are getting no break whatsoever and all you want is to take on yet more work to help pay for HIS sport?

I bet that £70pm would help a lot if spent on children's shoes and clothes rather than football/golf/fishing or whatever it is!

Where the heck is the fairness in that?

Wish I knew your DH, I'd give him an earful!

Being the awkward moo I am, I'd say okay, so I can't work at the weekend... but sorry, I can't look after the DC on Saturday either, I'm doing what you've done for years... having a BREAK, going out without the DC to do something for ME.

I'd tell him, "The nappies are on the side. The washing needs putting out, the dog needs walking, the curtains needd taking down and washing, the oven needs cleaning, the kitchen floor needs mopping and the mop and bucket are, in case you don't know, in the kitchen cupboard.

I'll be back around 7!".

Then see if he wouldn't prefer you to go to work to help fund the family.

Does he do sport on both days* of the weekend?

You are on mn trying to see both sides of the argument and see if you are being unfair.

He is making damned sure that he doesn't see your side of the argument because he doesn't want to - he likes what he has got and is conveniently not going to see anything that upsets his happy status quo.

If you want to do the work and he is happy for you to do some work, particularly if it will help family money situation, it is outrageous that he is happy for you not to do it just so that he can play sport.

What would happen if you said that you would compromise and be available for work on one day a weekend?

The issue that he's defining his work as work, and your work as play.

If he considers that you get "you time" by getting to socialise and have coffee with friends while he works during the week, point out that he can socialise and have coffee with friends, whilst looking after his children, on the weekends. If it's play for you, it's play for him.

Currently only one of you has time off from the children. Him.

he needs a swift lesson in childcare responsibilities.

find something essential to do on a couple of weekends and leave him to it. not fussy what it is - elderly relative/ long lost friend/ nervous breakdown/ going to collect a pint of milk etc.

this is not optional - i don't care if you get a job to work weekends or not really (i worked weekends and dh looked after the kids, we have 3, i left him to it since dd1 was a baby) but for your sake, you need a husband that understands how deeply flawed his thinking is.

does he ever/ has he ever looked after his children alone for any length of time? when was the last time you left the house with no children?

actually i do care whether you get this job or not. i can tell you are excited by the possibility, and i so badly want you to get it - it sounds perfect, a way into developing your relationship into more of an equal partnership, and giving you some perspective of alternatives.

(your other option is to tell him that his sports allowance is now cut off, and he can't play. weekends are family time)

working nights is a nightmare with pre-schoolers.