To not want BIL looking after my DS?

[WeissGirl]

I am going to visit my family for a few days and my mum has said that BIL is going to take my DS and my nephew (his son) out for the morning so that I can spend some time with my sister and her new baby.

My problem is that I don't think he is that responsible a person. He takes his children out in the car without car seats or seatbelts (sometimes his older son just roams around the car while it's moving), smokes like a chimney around the children, smokes dope and leaves it lying around the house, also takes other drugs but not around the children. He's very very laid back and my ds is a bit of a livewire, so despite everything else, I guess I am a bit worried that ds might run out into the road or something.

I understand that he would be doing me a favour so I can spend some time with my new neice, but I really just don't feel comfortable with him looking after my ds.

AIBU?

Sorry I should add that my DS has just turned 2.

YANBU I would not leave my DC with someone like this. The car safety would be the dealbreaker for me, but the smoking comes a close second.

Your mum has told you that he will be doing this?

So you don't get a say at all in the plans for your children then?

If you don't want this to happen, say no.

What matters more? Offending your brother or ensuring that you don't put your children into a situation where you can be reasonably sure that unnecessary risks may be taken.

Well, exactly Hecate.

The thing is that my mum thinks the sun shines out of his arse (lord knows why), and probably wouldn't see that there would be a problem.

I think she's maybe instigated it as I had a major run in with him last year when I found out he was cheating on my sister....

I'm not sure how to "get out" of it now though, as it seems like it has all been arranged without anyone talking to me .

What do I say without looking like a total biatch?

"I think she's maybe instigated it as I had a major run in with him last year when I found out he was cheating on my sister...." - by that I mean she is trying to smooth over the cracks between us IYSWIM

Does it matter if you look a bitch? You're not going to allow your child to go with someone you are not confident will take reasonable care of them so that they don't think badly of you, are you? That'd be bloody bonkers!

Brother v child.

Doesn't even need a second to think about it, does it?

Well the way I felt when my mum told me this was "there's no way in hell he is looking after my son!", but then I thought I better just check with Mumsnet in case I am being a bit OTT!

It's a mother's instinct I suppose isn't it?

I suppose it's just that I have only just started to get on with my sister again after us falling out over his infidelities, and I don't really want to rub her up the wrong way, but I won't put my son's safety at risk.

TBH if you don´t want it then that´s that imo.

I have disappointed MIL a couple of times by not letting her do what she wanted with my children.

I doubt your BIL will care will he?

No probably not diddl - like I said I imagine it is possibly my mum who has set it up.

He is a cheating bastard and you mum loves him?

Why did you fall our with your sister over her husbands infidelities?

Yes your Mum & Sister might be annoyed, but hey ho - better that than anything happening to DS eh.

Just say he's not really settling with anyone else at the moment and you have told him you wont leave him alone with anyone else until he's ready (or some such crap).

Can you see your sister when he's napping or in bed at night so you can spend some quality time with her rather than one eye on DS.

ChippingIn - because she came to me for advice as she didn't know what to do when she found out. She asked what I would do so I told her. She then told her DH what I had said, he took major offence and said it was none of my business (which it wasn't, but I did get asked for advice), then he sent me a snotty email, I sent him one back, they got back together and she asked me to apologise to him for the email. I refused, and we fell out. To cut a long story short !

Anyway, my mum also said in the same phone conversation that she will take DS for an afternoon or something, and as I am only going for 3 days, I am sure I will manage to see her plenty.

Thank you for the replies/advice .

sanielle - my thoughts exactly.......

The bottom line is always, if your instincts say no, how bad would you feel if you gave in and something happened? (Even just BIL being stopped by police for having kids not strapped in in the car.)

Weiss - Families ....