to think my friend should pay for our hotel/petrol?

[oopslateagain]

In a couple of weeks, DD's best friend is taking part in a big sports competition about 3 hours drive away. Her mum, also a friend of mine, is disabled and can't drive that far. The family was going to drive down in the morning, having to leave home around 5am. The mum said she would like to go the night before and stay in a hotel as DD's friend would then not have such an early morning and long drive before her 'big day', but with 6 of them going it would be too expensive.

I said it would be nice for me and DD to go and watch, and friends mum suggested that I drive her car with her, DD's friend, and DD, and we all stay in a family room overnight with the rest of the family following on the next day. I agreed.

Well today she rang me and said she found a room for £37, it would be £6.50 for breakfast, did I want breakfast booked? I said yes, but now I am wondering something.

I assumed she would cover the cost of the hotel as it's for her benefit. Of course I will be paying for all our meals, and if she asks for it, I'll pay half the hotel, but I do feel that I am doing her a favour and she should pay.

I also think she's going to ask me for petrol money. Now I know that if I had driven my own car, I'd have to fill it up. But I also wouldn't have the hotel costs. We would just go for the day.

AIBU to expect her to pay for everything? Putting it like that it does actually sound U, and I sound like I want a 'freebie'. But half the hotel, an evening meal for me and DD, breakfast, lunch the next day, probably a meal on the way home, and petrol money will more than likely come to well over £50. If I were just driving for the day in my own car, it's just petrol money and I'd put a packed lunch in.

I don't want to come across as tight but £50 is hard to come by unexpectedly. I don't quite know what to say if she asks for the money (and she won't hesitate to ask, if she thinks she is owed it).

Rather than bring this up with her, I'd just say that to save money, you're going to drive up the next day.

It would be reasonable to split the costs equally for the petrol and the hotel. You don't have to go but you said you offered to go.

If you don't want to pay, go up by yourselves. If you're not objecting then your friend is hardly going to read your mind!

maybe tell her you hadn't thought it through properly when you offered, but now you've thought about it you realise your budget cannot handle the expense at this time.

I can afford it, but only barely. It means really economising between now and then. I have to take DD up to london to GOSH next Friday and that will take most of my spare cash for the train/lunch etc.

I don't want to back out because I did say I would go, and I know she can't do the drive herself. I think she booked the hotel today, too. But when she said the hotel and for me to drive her car, I really did think she was asking me to do her a favour.

You need to speak to her before she books the hotel.

Just say that you have had a think, you are worried about the cost, and that you will just be going up for teh day as you can't afford the hotel room.

If she says 'oh we will pay' then you are free and clear. Mind you, I don't think she will as I think you should pay the costs of the room, tbh. The petrol is a bit more grey area, tbh.

Well it sounds like you invited yourself and your DD and then agreed with her mothers plans so if she does expect you to pay half (or your full share) I shouldn't think she's being unreasonable ...

From the conversation you had, it is logical to assume that you'd pay for your own accommodation. She didn't ask you to accompany her, she suggested it and you agreed.

Tbh, weird to assume that she would pay.

As for petrol, splitting petrol costs is something I personally find odd, IMO, your car, your responsibility, but that's just me. But if that's the done thing in your social circle, then I would suggest one fills the car on the way there, the other on the way back.

If you can't afford it, tell her now. Surely there are other options? She could use public transport if she can't drive for three hours. If not, they'll just have to have an early start.

If the girl has to be there for 8am it's going to be an early start either way.

Oh bugger. Looks like IABU.

I didn't actually 'invite' myself and DD, I said sort of wistfully "it would be nice if we could see her compete" and she took the idea and ran with it, and I agreed before I'd really thought it out.

I will have to feed the family rice and beans all week.

YABU, sorry.

Why on earth would you think she should pay?
She didn´t invite you.

I agree if you can´t afford you must say.

Well, she didn't ask you to go, you said it would be nice for you and your DD to go. She had already said it was too expensive for the six of them to go - you said it would be nice for you and DD to go, to me this implies you paying half (or she might as well take her family)... that was the time to say you couldn't afford it.

It doesn't seem to me like she thinks you are doing her a favour, just that you wanted to go along.

If she had asked you to do it, then fair enough, she should pay - but really, you say you'd like to go - why should she pay??

As for the petrol, she should pay. You drive for her convenience, she pays for the petrol :)

YABU "I said it would be nice for me and DD to go and watch"

So you offerd to go, or implied that you were going to go...

ChippingIn she wouldn't have gone overnight with the family as they would have needed 2 rooms.

I would have driven for the day, she wanted to go overnight so her daughter didn't have such an early start. Otherwise I would have taken our car and met them there.

The actual conversation was something like:
Me: Oh it would have been nice to see (daughter) compete.
Her: Why don't you come then? Oooh, we could get a hotel room and go the day before, if you'd drive my car, then we don't have an early start.
Me: That's a good idea, I don't mind doing that.

I didn't realise I was agreeing to pay for things.

She just texted me, the hotel is booked. I'll just wait for her to announce how much I owe her. Damn. I could really do without this.

I suppose I'm a little peeved because I invited her, her mum and her daughter away on holiday in our caravan for a week - we just got back - and asking for petrol money never crossed my mind.

I think YABU but only because you haven't been clear about expectations (I am terrible/always embarrassed to talk about money so understand why) but I think you've made assumptions that aren't justified.

Agree with poster who said quick phone her back and say budget-wise, even though accommodation is reasonable it's going to be too expensive for you. Would you offer to drive her down at 5am in the morning still? And if so I would agree that, her car, you driving, she pays for petrol although I would offer a contribution.

You really didn't realise from that conversation that you'd be expected to contribute??

No tyler I didn't even think about it

IABU, I get it.

I am just annoyed with myself now.

Thanks everyone for putting me straight.

Beans on toast for dinner every night!

Having said that, I'd always check the price with someone before actually booking a room if I was sharing costs so if someone had got the wrong end of the stick I'd realise before any money had been paid out.

Tyler - the friend did - she called up to say the room would be £37 & breakfast £6.50... at which point 'oopslateagain' had (another) opportunity to say sorry, can't afford it, let's go for the day, but she didn't.

Oopslateagain - I'm sorry this means rather a lot of beans on toast :( and I realise you have accepted YABU - but honestly, I cannot see how you didn't expect to pay half from that conversation....

Agree you need to pay half of the hotel costs, but think your friend may well not ask you for petrol money. It would be nice for you to offer but don't insist if she says she doesn't want petrol money from you.

I don't think she will expect petrol money from you.

YABU of course your have to pay for your own hotel room, you invited yourself!! Don't ask her to pay you will make yourself look like an idiot and could cause a problem, unfortunately you have to just pay it now as its already booked and too late to change the plan, unless booking can be changed/cancelled? in which case do that.

No Firawla I said I would go and I will. I am just kicking myself for not thinking.

I am sure we will have a nice time. I just have to re-budget because of the London trip next Friday and this trip the week after.

This is why Mumsnet is good - I would have been annoyed with her for asking for the money. You lovely lot set me straight. Now I'm annoyed with myself.

Oh poor Oops!

If you didn't ask for petrol money for your caravaning holiday then I shouldn't think you will be asked to contribute here. Tricky one though, because as the driver, if there's no petrol you may have to stop to refill on the way and you don't want to be left paying for it. I'd think of something to say in advance, nicely, just in case you do get put on the spot re petrol - even just a surprised "oh sorry I misunderstood because I didn't take any petrol money for holiday so I just thought we were paying for petrol for our own cars."

Well I expect it'll have a full tank to start with, so hopefully that won't even be an issue. If it does happen I'll try that line! I won't balk at paying though.

If it doesn't have a full tank and you need to stop just encourage your friend to go in and pay while you fill up. That way it'll be clear she's paying.