Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

are these unreasonable reasons for not wanting a 3rd child?

19 replies

superv1xen · 07/09/2010 14:31

me and DP were talking the other night about having more children (i have a 4 year old from a prev relationship and we have a 15 month old DD together, and he has a 14 YO dd from his prev marriage) ...he really wants another one. but i am not too sure for the following reasons:

-we only have 3 bedrooms and the kids bedrooms are really small so where on earth would another one go?

-i hate being pregnant for more reasons than i possibly want to go into

-i have to have c/sections for medical reasons and the thought of having another one is horrible as they have got worse each time i have had one (ie pain, recovery etc)

-i have already been a SAHM for over 4 years and think i am going to struggle to get back into the workplace as it is, never mind if i take any more time out

-as it is, 2 are pretty easy, we still get time to ourselves as DS spends 2 weekends out of 4 with his dad and if we want to go out, its easy to get someone to have DD for the night

-we havent got much money

-we live in a shitty area

-me and dp enjoy things like going away on child free weekends and holidays, its hard enough to do that with 2, would probably be impossible with 3

are these all selfish reasons? coz apart from all that i would love another one

OP posts:

nickelbabe · 07/09/2010 14:33

no, they're not selfish reasons.

most of those reasons would impact on a child's quality of life.

bigchris · 07/09/2010 14:33

I think those are great reasons for staying as you are

what are his reasons for wanting more? Has he secretly won the lottery?!

mosschops30 · 07/09/2010 14:37

i wouldnt let things like 3 bedrooms and hate being pregnant put you off.
We live in a 3 bed (with only one bloody toilet too) and I am the worst pg woman ever. We still went for no.3

However I do think 3 makes it a lot harder, espcially trying to find sitters and also accommodation that sleeps 5 is hard when you go away anywhere.
Also if you want to get back into work, could you do it part time or do some training in the meantime just so you dont feel de-skilled.

None of your reasons are selfish though, they are all perfectly balanced arguments that show youre a responsible person who is actually thinking about the impact, on yourself and your family

Original poster

superv1xen · 07/09/2010 14:51

how old are yours mosschops ?

OP posts:

mosschops30 · 07/09/2010 14:53

Im 21

venusandmars · 07/09/2010 15:16

They don't sound like selfish reasons, they sound like very logical reasons. But do I detect a little hint of something that isn't logical, that you sort of would like another?

Personally, I think the most important reasons are about the relationship between you and dp - being able to spend time together just the 2 of you. If you can maintain that and have another baby that's one thing, but if losing that closeness with dp would put your (collective) happiness at risk then it is not worth it.

arses · 07/09/2010 15:23

I am always interested in these threads because I would love a third (says the lady on one who may have my thoughts changed sharpish after number 2, who knows?)

People say it's much harder.. that scares me!

Original poster

superv1xen · 07/09/2010 15:34

i meant how old are your kids :o haha! but wow, 3 kids at 21, thats great u did it early hehe

venusandmars you have summed my feelings up perfectly. and i think they are the most important reasons too.

OP posts:

mazzystartled · 07/09/2010 15:36

they sound like "head" reasons
and very valid they are too. not selfish.
but if your heart says you want another, none of them are insurmountable

letsblowthistacostand · 07/09/2010 15:41

If you don't want another child, don't have one! It doesn't matter what the reasons are really.

FWIW I'm totally with you on the hate being pregnant thing. That's one BIG reason we're not, because I just can't stand the thought of being pregnant again.

anonacfr · 07/09/2010 15:46

Who says it's much harder to have a 3rd???

(Not indignant, more worried)

mosschops30 · 07/09/2010 15:53

lol sorry mine are 14, 5 and 9 months

FlyingInTheCLouds · 07/09/2010 15:53

anon- I'm finding three (4 with DSS) easier than 2 so don't worry!

OP- unless you both wants more DC there doesnt have to be good reasons (though the ones you've given are reasonable reasons if any are needed)

mayorquimby · 07/09/2010 15:54

I don't think any reason for not wanting a kid is selfish or unreasonable. If you don't want one you don't want one. And even if your reason is you don't want one because you like holidays,buying useless gadgets and having Friday nights free and your partners reason for wanting one is that they feel a deep spiritual yearning and as though they or their family is not yet whole without this next child it doesn't mean they want it more than you don't want it or their reasons are more valid.
I couldn't imagine any worse feeling than being pressured into having a kid you didn't want or being made to feel like you have to justify a desire to not have a kid. IMHO "because I just don't." is a valid reason for not wanting a kid.

arses · 07/09/2010 15:57

FlyingInTheClouds, tell me how it's easier, please!

I like to store up reasons.

Dh came from a 3 and I came from a 2 and I always wished there was another but he was happy with his lot. Stupid reasons, maybe: too personal, not very objective, but we're hoping they prove true!!

amidaiwish · 07/09/2010 16:08

me and dh both come from families with 4 DCs
we have DD1 (6.5) and DD2 (4.11)
it feels like now or never to have no.3
we are ummmming and ahhhing
but this morning i got up to get DD2 a drink at 5.45 and it was essentially the middle of the night. then i remembered that this was the usual wake up time with toddlers and i really don't think i could go back to it.

plus we are enjoying life as a family, i am so sick when pg i couldn't face doing school runs and running around after the DDs during it.

but most of all is that i want to get back to a bit of life for us, me and dh, not just do things for the kids which is how the last 7 years have been. selfish i know but it is our life too.

i agree with mazzystartled they are all good reasons, but not surmountable if your heart wants one

silentcatastrophe · 07/09/2010 16:09

I would have liked a 3rd, but dh absolutely put his foot down after his 5th baby. With a joint age of well over 100, not much cash in the bank, a diagnosis of cancer (for me), then colitis (again me), 2 very unwell and dysfunctional parents... the idea of bringing another child into that was unthinkable. So... I'm actually quite glad that that part of my life is over. I didn't enjoy pregnancy, and I didn't like the total lack of sleep. It's sad that we have very little family around to help. I'm also beginning to enjoy the other things in life that I wasn't able to enjoy before.

ha ha, but it would be funny to have a child who would be younger than dh's grandchild!

Original poster

superv1xen · 07/09/2010 18:51

yeah flyingintheclouds - tell me how its easier :o

thanks for the replies, i feel a little less selfish now :o

oh and i get so sick while i am pregnant its just hideous, i know most people get morning sickness but i seriously struggle to cope with it. oh god and the backache at the end, and the heartburn.....

OP posts:

quiddity · 07/09/2010 19:18

YANBU at all

Flip