to wish something would change?

[findingnemo3]

I'm worried about my mum and sister. My parents split up when I was a teenager and my Mum has since remarried. Her new husband and I never got on particularly well, and it was a relief when I grew old enough to no longer live at home.

Part of the reason we never got on particularly well was that he has a very short temper. The smallest thing provokes him, and although he has never physically hurt any of us, his reactions are totally out of proportion and while he is angry he will not see sense. At times it is like being with an immature teenager.

When I go home now I do my best to get along with him, for the sake of a bit of peace and quiet, but find it hard to stop the odd roll of the eyes, which I know does create tension.

My mum has always been very happy with him - she herself is a confident, positive person, and I know that most of their relationship has been great.

I am aware that over the last 5 years they have had fairly regular arguments, mostly sparked by my stepdad's tendency to fly off the handle, although accounts of these come from my younger sister, now a teenager herself and perhaps not the most reliable sort.

These arguments now appear to have got worse. My stepdad has been screaming in my mother's face, verbally abusing her and being very violent around the house. It has got to the point where my sister is phoning me in tears reporting that she is scared to stay there.

Is there anything I can do? I don't want to see my lovely Mum treated like rubbish by a man who doesn't deserve her, and although I am sure that she would chuck him out if he so much as lay a finger on her or my sister, it worries me that she has put up with so much already. I've told my sister she needs to talk to Mum and tell her how she feels, but suspect that will just be dismissed as over-dramatic teenage talk.

Much as I want to help, I appreciate that this is their marriage and it is up to them to work through their problems. At what point does it become ok to say something? I don't know how I could get across to my Mum that we love her and just want what's best for her without seeming interfering.

Any advice much appreciated!

You are in a very difficult position here. Clearly you cannot breach your sister's confidence and your history with your stepfather makes it harder for you to talk to your mother.

I would speak to your sister, and encourage her to speak to your mum, with you there as a facilitator. Invite your mum out to lunch with the two of you and let your sister say how upset she is. You can help her explain how it makes her feel by opening the conversation and then be there to confirm the telephone calls which you have received.

After that it is up to your Mum (unless your sister wants to move in with you, and you are OK with that of course).

I would make it clear to your mum that you support her choice to be with whoever she wants, but that you felt she needed to be aware of the impact on your sister and that it also made you concerned for her.

Then it isn't about interfering,or any personal antipathy to your stepdad, it is about your sister, her needs and her feelings.

Good advice from Jaybird. I also wondered if you could invite your sister to stay with you on week-ends, to give her breaks from being around him?

Thanks for the advice. I have spoken to my Mum and hinted at my concerns. She assures me that she is not going to put up with it and that they are taking steps to recitify the situation.

Hopefully from now on things will improve!

Well done. That must have been difficult.